I am 28 y/o female and my husband is 26 y/o male. We have been married for two very challenging years. My husband really struggles with communication and being emotionally present. I grew up in a family with a narcissistic mother, so withholding connection and communication makes me panic. I know he was raised in an emotionally unavailable home, so I’m really trying to be patient and support him, but it’s been very lonely.
Last year I found out he had been openly lying to me about a porn addiction, for months. Lots transpired in the last year, but I grew very hard hearted towards him. I know I have become bitter and resentful, and I despise that in myself. I’ve been working with a counselor for a year and a half now, which has been helpful. My husband fights me on most everything- doing household duties (or waiting days to do them after committing to take care of things), going to counseling, going to church, spending time with friends and family etc. I don’t think I have handled conflict with him well recently, often just hiding in our room or asking him to leave me alone. It’s easier for me to calm down when he’s not around, but I know this communicates I don’t want to repair things together. It feels easier to stay angry and hurt. He says he’s doing his best, but I’ve come to see him as unreliable and not committed. I don’t feel cherished or valued by him. I know that marriage takes work, and I believe marriage requires we truly sacrifice to understand and grow with someone. But, I feel so lost and so empty.
Last night we were talking about the future, and he expressed that he doesn’t want to work towards buying a home or having kids with me right now. He said he badly wants kids with someone, but he’s not sure he wants them with me. He said he doesn’t trust me, and once he has kids with someone they will “own” him. He shared that he would be stuck with me, as kids would be the most important thing to him, and I could use children as leverage to get his money and time. I don’t even have the words for how messed up I think that perspective is, but I have never communicated that I would ever do that kind of thing or put children in that position. I know that home buying and children aren’t an actionable priority now, but I deeply desire the assurance that he still sees a future, therefore, is somehow working towards those things. He closed with saying that getting me pregnant would be the biggest mistake he could make.
Later in the evening, after I approached him, he apologized profusely, saying he didn’t mean that and he’s sorry he hurt me. He said he was angry and shouldn’t have let his emotions get the best of him. I’m not sure anyone has ever made me feel more unwanted or pathetic. He said he loves me and wants to be with me and build a family and home. IF I were to get pregnant, I think I would always worry he sees me/the baby as a mistake. Am I being pathetic or overly emotional? How do I move forward? Thank you in advance for any guidance.