Often times when I’m in a group, my mind goes completely blank. I understand that this is an issue with anxiety.
But I also notice all the other times it goes blank. Why can’t I form sentences quickly when someone, ONE person, asks me a question, or even just talks to me?
Even if it’s related to my own personal opinion or even something I’ve actually done or just how I think, it feels like my thoughts are in a cloud or in balloons above my head or on pieces of paper on the ground and I know they’re there when I’m alone and I can organize them when I’m by myself and I can THINK when I’m by myself but the minute someone asks me something or starts talking, POOF! They’re the gust of wind that blows everything around and I don’t know what to say anymore because my thoughts are gone or blowing around. It’s like the only thing in my brain becomes the immediate present, the environment around me, the literal voice of the person talking to me, I can’t “see” my thoughts anymore.
This also happens when I’m anxious in general and I sadly realized the only time I can’t stop myself from blurting out the first thing that does manage to come to my head is when I’m under the influence of psychedelics (long story).
I don’t know how to make it stop. I understand there’s a general flow of conversation and I used to be better at socializing before I was sober. Now the self consciousness makes it near impossible to just… Communicate verbally, comfortably. I just want to understand what’s happening in my brain, and can I do anything about it? This has severely impacted some close friendships that I’ve had and I notice it’s actually worse the closer I am to someone. Wtf is happening in my head, why am I like this.
People have told me I’m fine, but I don’t feel fine. Things don’t feel fine internally, I’m scrambling to pick up my words, to catch my balloons, to look for the words I just had, my heart races, my internal becomes distorted and I’m hoping with everything I have that I say the right thing.
Diagnosed with generalized anxiety, highly likely that I’m on the spectrum. I like close interactions with a very small group of people or one person, preferably in quiet environments, but I mess those relationships up. I don’t feel like I contribute much to the friendships after a while and I get more and more lost inside myself trying to find something to say because my words just aren’t there anymore.