I had a break up about 2 months ago (long distance), and I’m feeling my worst at the moment. I can’t help but remind myself of my ex with pictures, music, etc.
It began with little resentment after she initiated the break up, but we both agreed on it. But as the days go by, my brain begins to notice more and more the person has left me and has basically cut me out of her life with a cease in communication and reasoning to why she decided to move on.
So men, is this normal for it to start out as nothing, but later feel more and more heartbroken? What are coping mechanisms you use/are using?
31 comments
Alot of music and weed and time.
Yeah dude. Sometimes it’s gonna take a long time. You have to work on the grieving process (there’s different stages, look it up so you can see what’s going on with yourself)
The real answer of how to cope, if you want the real answer, Is to just deal with your feelings bro. And when I mean deal, I mean actually fucking experience that discomfort, don’t try to avoid it. If you’re fucking sad cry, if you’re angry, experience the frustration and really take a deep look inside and examine what’s causing that pain, and really think deeply about it.
if you start actually handling the actual pain itself and not just avoiding it day and day out, you will reduce the grieving process.
It starts with understanding why it was best to break up, just to bring forth doubt if that was all to it and feeling worse for a time. That’s all understandable and fine.
It just takes time and finding joy in something else to lose the feeling of heartbreak.
Something like enjoying the nice weather that is coming and trying out new things in that time, finding someone else to talk to/begin a relationship with, or eventually seeing that you’re wasting time dwelling on something that happened a long time ago.
But most of all, time will change your way of feeling.
If I’m honest, it took me around 12-14 months before I felt back to being “normal”
You just sort of learn to get on with life. Time is the best healer.
Drink bury yourself in work etc
When you meet someone, you make a little spot in your brain that you relate to every time you see them. Friendship, relationship, whatever. When you see that person your brain releases certain neurochemicals that give you a good feeling, and especially in a sexual relationship. Stuff like oxytocin and dopamine. When you break up with someone and you stop seeing them, then it’s like a type of withdrawal, and evidence of that is you are using things (music, places, movies)to connect with that part again. It sucks mate. But it just your brain doing it’s thing. Ways to try to get past it (because we all suffer when someone leaves our life, be it death, breakups, or even a friendship that ends) is avoiding too much booze. It is the enemy of brain chemistry. Chocolate simulates the same brain chemistry as oxytocin. Meditation and mindfulness. Fuck loads of exercise. And if you’re really struggling, b vitamins, hyperiforte (microgenics stress relief is a good one, but don’t mix it if you’re on prescribed anti depressants), and a thing called neurosame which your chemist will have. Other things you can do is talk it out with a counsellor (there’s lots of online ones) or if your mood is really low still after a couple of weeks, definitely go talk to you GP or book an appointment with a psychologist. You can even get a massage because it’s relaxing and releases oxytocin because of the touch aspect. But not a happy finish one. Go to an actual massage therapist and get a relaxation, bodywork or lomi lomi. There’s research to show it’s helpful in your situation. And if you have a cry or pour your heart out to them, they’re all good with that and are used to it.
A great deal of admissions to private mental health facilities are relationship related, so don’t minimise your feelings. Sit with them, accept it’s over, and look forward to the good things that are coming next in your life. 👍
PS- I used to be a paramedic, and debriefing people was part of the gig.
Abundant mindless sex is the only answer to overcome heartbreak.
Yea it’s gonna hurt and it’s gonna hurt for a while. Someone once told me it would take as long as you were with someone to get over that someone, I don’t know if that’s true but both my long term relations took a long time before I could look back on them dispassionately.
Some advice: don’t pick the wound. Unfollow, block, delete them from everything. Make it a clean break. Don’t call or text them and *don’t* try to make it work “one more time”.
Yep it’s perfectly normal. It normally goes something like this:
First you’ll be fine, then the resentment will hit, then the realisation it’s over, then comes the nostalgia (this is where you forget she wasn’t a great partner and forget all the reasons you broke up and then obsess over a small amount of positive stuff), then probably trying to snoop on her, then probably a weird kind of post-break up possessiveness where you’ll drive yourself crazy over whoever she ends up dating or hooking up with.
But then, it’ll get easier. You’ll choose to focus on yourself. Get a new crush. And in time, it’ll be a distant memory.
You can speed this process up by going nuclear. Erase her from your life. Every touchpoint. Socials. Photos. Messages. Number. Anything she gave you. Blacklist people taking to you about it. Stone cold cleanse her from your life. Write down a bunch of moments where she was a jerk and remind yourself of them every time you want to be nostalgic. It can hurt more at first but the process will go faster.
Then set some goals and just selfishly focus on yourself for a while. If you can hook up or get and fwb, now is the time.
Good luck bro.
Stop picking at the scab would be my advice.
You need to feel your feelings, and of course you feel bad.
But also, thinking about them nonstop and looking at pictures is probably not helping.
Focus on why you split up.
Try and find something productive to distract yourself with.
sure it’s all normal, then it’ll keep happening and you’ll get numb to it.
Heartbreak progressively gets better, but it’s not always a straight line up. Some days/weeks are worse than other days/weeks but overall it keeps getting better and better.
And it’s incredibly normal to start out as nothing and then feel peak pain a little bit later, look up “the stages of loss/grief” the first stage is denial, you don’t feel anything because you don’t believe it, even if you know it.
Focus on yourself and give yourself lots of self love in the form of eating healthy, physical activity, treating yourself to fun things, hanging out with friends, do stuff that will better your career, learn a new skill you’ve always wanted to learn.
After my first big heartbreak it took me 5 years (and meeting my current fiancé) to finally get over it. Hopefully not everyone struggles as long as I did, but either way, everyone grieves differently. It does get better!
Married 8 years (12 years relationship). After the Divorce I picked up running. Thought I was ok since it was an amicable Divorce. About 2 years post D, I’m running on a trial and I just start balling like a baby. Took me 2 years to let it out. I must’ve suppressed it quite well.
Try not to focus on the how, and why of it all, you can’t understand the inner workings of others from the outside.
What you can do is (as hard as it is) learn to accept it, acknowledge what has happened and your feelings of the situation.
Don’t try and fight against it or your feelings.
Feel them acknowledge them and let them pass, holding onto them or trying to supress them doesn’t work and isn’t healthy.
You can help coping by accepting the situation, finding things you enjoy and doing them again.
Do opposite action when you can’t cope, so when you want to shut away and hide from the world, dont.
Talk to someone, meet up with a friend or just go for a walk and get outside.
If you find a support network to help thats great, if not or you are in crisis, call a mental health line and vent truthfully.
Other things that help:
Good diet
Proper sleep routine
Physical activity
Hobbies and interests
Friends and family
Keeping Busy (know your limits don’t burn out)
Reflection and meditation (sounds phoey but is effective when practiced)
Listen to positive music
Journaling/diary
Admitting if you need more help
A ending of a strong relationship is akin to grief and loss and it takes time and effort to confront, cope, heal and recover from but you can do it.
Source: mental health youth worker, also 8 months out of 10yr relationship that ended badly.
What doesn’t help:
Rumination (overthinking and replaying it in your mind)
Not accepting reality (causes mental distress)
Alcohol and drugs (reduces mental stability and cognitive ability)
Buying into the negative emotions (feel them and accept them, don’t fuel them)
Running from the pain
Isolating yourself
You got this buddy, stay strong.
Yeah man, that’s normal. I recommend you remove things from your life that serve as reminder triggers. It will help you move mentally into healthier things.
I’m in a pretty similar spot to yourself op (long term long distance about two months since breakup). And what’s been working for me is as little contact as possible (just what’s needed to resolve some outstanding issues), not indulging the urge to drink or eat to excess, working on improving myself physically and reminding myself often that even tho I didn’t want this to happen it has and now all we can do is work with what we got to get to a place we feel good again.
It will get as bad as you allow it.
It’s easy if you let it. It’s fun and easy because you don’t have to do anything and can play the sad sack.
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If you want to get over it though, since life is short and it’s getting shorter all the time? Go do something for yourself. Go meet some new girls, and you’ll forget all about the one that didn’t want you.
It really is that by gosh simple. But if you are more interested in sad sacking, then it may seem too impossible.
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Oh well. Your life. Do what you want with it. I can assure you your ex isn’t thinking about you, at all. Not even a little bit. She wanted rid, and got rid of you. You, unfortunately, are stuck with you.
You need to distract yourself. Imo, physical activity is the best. Lift, jog, even long walks.
Get out of your mind, and improve yourself in the process.
My GF of almost a year to the date walked out of my life and simply vanished into thin air two weeks ago. I have called her many times, left VMs, sent countless texts, and even went as far as to do the old-fashioned thing and write and mail a snail mail letter. We both have iPhones so I can tell if she even read the text msg and they have ALL been ignored. I haven’t been able to stop worrying about where she is, who she may be with, or even if she is ok. I feel cheated and most importantly REJECTED!
If she didn’t want to see me anymore and had she just said that I could accept her departure but just simply being walked out on and ignored hurts like all bloody hell! BUT! I am here to tell you that as time passes I am very slowly getting over it. I have good moments and some pretty low painful moments. I just have to remind myself she is the one losing out and not me. Little consultation but instead of talking negatively in my head I try to keep positive and slowly allow her to become a none issue in my life. You are going to pull through just like me and the huge number of others in the same boat! I remind myself all the time “BETTER will be around the next corner so look ahead and NOT BACK!”
The worst breakup I had took me a couple years to fully get over it. It sucks, but it’ll heal. It takes time and feels like you’ll never feel ok again but you will. You got this man
Everytime I think of her and her new boyfriend ( who is, now was, a friend of mine) I get really sad and angry at the same time. So then I just say fuck it to whatever I’m doing and go out for a run or go drilling on my boxing bag. It doesn’t negate all the negative feelings, but boy do I feel at least somewhat better after that.
Someone from your life has left your life suddenly in a process not unlike someone in your life passing away. Give yourself time to process and feel the emotions you’re feeling. In my experience it comes in waves but it will get better.
My ex left me for her coworker. I contemplated suicide and couldn’t eat or sleep properly for months. I ended up losing about a third of my body weight in my depression. I hated everything and everyone except for one person who kept me going. It broke me, not gonna lie. She has a child with someone else now and I’m genuinely happy for her, but it took years for the pain to numb. It might take a while, but it does get better. I move on from people at the first hint of rejection now. Not ideal, but never again.
It never gets easy, you just do better at dealing with it. Time and distance changes our perspective of all things in life.
Three phases.
1. Cry- let it out eat out play games just let it out.
2. Pick yourself up. Reach out to old bros, get back into your hobbies.
3. Acceptance. Usually by this stage it’s not as bad, you might have moments. But you’ll be stronger.
Eventually you going to get to the acceptance period it just takes time. You gonna feel like shit but you just thug it out. I’d also say smash something new asap.
Start exercising. Do agree on focusing on what you feel, but don’t overly dwell either. Find that balance. Cry when you need to, but transmute much of the angst into tangible goals and incentives. You will thank yourself later for turning the bad into the good.
The only thing that helps dull heartache is time. The more time you can spend busy not thinking about what could have been or the good times the better. Get a second job or a time consuming hobby. Better yourself. If at all possible go no contact with her until you feel like you are over it enough to be friends. Don’t do the things you used to do together or go to the spots that remind you of her. Not gonna lie….it is gonna hurt for a long time. Maybe forever . But I can tell you that it does subside with time. I wish you the best.
I’m in a similar position and I just can’t shake the thoughts. I stopped going on social media and just to distract myself I constantly work out read and write trying to better myself. Stopped porn just to gain testosterone and quit a bad habit.
I tried to replace her but, these girls aren’t any better that I can find plus I don’t go out much my city is pretty boring for the most part. I rely on a strong vision I have for the future where I’ll have everything set up in a way that Ill ever have to worry about another women again. That vision is where I go to mostly to avoid the negative thoughts.
the reddit r/BreakUps helped me through the worst times but it gets better over time trust me. I had a really beautiful and great relationship with my ex until she traveled around for a bit and found someone else, she loved more in that moment, so she cheated on me. It was my first gf and I loved her very much. I still do, but I broke up the contact completely, worked out, started new hobbies, get more creative, consumed less, produced more, met new friends, get more social, did things I couldn’t do with her, wrote a journal everyday for the past 6 months.
The journal helped me the most, because I could get rid of my thoughts. Sometimes I wrote letters in that journal to her about my feelings. This letters were just for me and I never read them again but it helped me so much to get my feelings out and I felt better everytime. It is important to allow your feelings to be and to feel them. The more you do, the better it will get over time.