Hello all. I will start by saying that my MIL is (for the most part) sweet lady that doesn’t cross boundaries and treats me with respect.
I feel that is what matters most, so I would like to emphasise that.
Before I explain what I struggle with during her visits, I will also write little background. My husband moved to my home country with me couple years ago, and we have a 2 year old daughter. Unfortunately all his family is thousands of miles away, and they are all very close to each other so I know he misses them, and every opportunity to spend with them (especially with his mom) means a lot to him. Also, I love the fact that my daughter has a chance to spend time and connect with her grandma when she comes to visit us.
However. I feel all this is getting bit much for me, and to top it off, I feel my husband doesn’t understand me at all. Or should I say, he judges me for the way I feel. I am torn because I am trying to ‘do the right thing’ but I also feel my mental health is not doing well at all.
In the last 12 months, his mother came to visit twice. First time was for 3 months. Now second time, she is staying 2 months with us.
I feel like I will lose my mind at times. First, we live in a 1 bedroom apartment which, if we had spare bedroom so everyone can have their own privacy and space when needed, would probably make things bit easier, but unfortunately we don’t. My husband works 8-10 hours a day so I am mostly alone with my MIL and my toddler in the house, which means we all stay in living room together throughout the day. And I am a type of person that needs my space from other people. I love and need my space. And miss it. I do go out with my toddler, but as soon as i know it is time to get to the house, I dread it (I will explain further). Also staying in my bedroom is not an option because my toddler wants to get in and out of the bedroom constantly so there’s really no point, because I have to follow her to make sure she doesn’t get into trouble.
Second thing is, I realised that throughout her stay there are certain situations that trigger my childhood trauma wound (feeling unloved, unaccepted, overthinking, being anxious, negative thinking, fear of rejection, fear of what others think) and it is so incredibly hard to center myself and find peace within me. I understand this is my responsibility and I am working with a therapist, but this is so tough. I guess I usually avoid people and situations that may potentially be uncomfortable to me, and seems like there is no escape from this one. This also reflects on my daily mood which is probably noticed by her as well, which then throws me into another overthinking downward spiral. Sometimes I feel like I am losing sense of reality, and have no one to talk about this.
Another thing, I suffer from misophonia and me being sensitive to certain sounds. This makes me be on constant alert when she is around. And god knows i try not to hear those triggering sounds, but they find way to my eardrums every single time. Lip smacking and spoon hitting ceramic bowl to name two. She tends to do these things a lot, and it triggers me so bad, but I try not to show it. I usually get up politely and go to the bedroom until it is ‘safe’ to come back few minutes later.
I guess all of this would be easier to deal with if her stays were shorter. I even offered to my husband to purchase an extra ticket so she comes twice but in a shorter span instead. However, he is not too happy with that because he cannot find a way to tell her she is not welcome for longer than 2-3 weeks at a time. And I also feel bad about it, especially since she will know it is me being the reason, obviously not her son, and I would hate to ruin the relationship with her (which is in good standing overall). But then again, why do I have to excuse such decision or why do I feel bad about it so much? Is it because I am being selfish?
Speaking of my husband, I am upset that he doesn’t understand me. This is affecting our marriage because we are both less affectionate, and are basically resenting each other at the moment. We also barely communicate because we don’t have privacy to do so unless we step out of the house (and he doesn’t want her to feel left out so she always joins us wherever we go).
I honestly don’t know what to do about this. Part of me wants to put up with her long visits for the sake of making my husband happy, but I am struggling mentally and just feel like I am done.
She is planning to come again in the fall, and I don’t know what to do.
Also, I feel there is a big cultural difference. His family is super open and positive, they stay for long periods of time when they visit among themselves, because all they want is to share moments and joy together as a family.
At least that’s what my husband tells me. He makes it all sound amazing that I question my own morals and character when I say or feel this way.
Another note. My husband is overall great guy. He is an amazing dad, and I can say amazing husband too. It is just this unfortunate situation that creates disconnect between us.
Please give me your insights? What do I do?
Please try to be kind with your answers if you think I am being at wrong here.
Thanks