DISCLAIMER: Very. very long post, apologies, this is a quick summary, I’m a 23 year old dude, got a son, technically engaged, so this is crazy, but it’s something I kinda was successfully able to push down deep until last year. Now I keep thinking about it. And I would appreciate any advice on how to stop moping about nothing. Here’s the story for those who choose to read …
Yea this is a long one so lmfao, feel free to call me an idiot, hit me with the truth, cuz I need it.
So, I’m 23, work a dead end job, have a one year old son and a spouse. Live with her and her parents, been trying to move out but rent over here is crazy. Anyways, I’m at a point, maybe a midlife crisis, maybe just depression, but I tend to overthink a lot. I tend to reminisce a lot, and I mean, I just think a lot about my life in terms of what could have been. There’s been a lot of certain points where I made simple decisions that have lasting effects and I regret those decisions. I realize it’s a “boohoo” type of moment like I can’t do anything about it but that’s what is killing me.
Sometimes I wish I could just die and wake up on a certain day years ago as if everything was a dream.
Time for the main rant, the biggest regret as corny as it sounds is of course my love life. Like I said, 23 with a 14 month old son and a partner which I have been with since 2020. Oh I’m a guy btw I don’t think I introduced myself. So I met her in the one semester of college I went to.. i met her through friends and we instantly clicked but it was more attraction than it was friendship. That being said we ended up together as a couple and never really stopped. In terms of relationship, she’s not a bad person at all. She honestly deserves better than me, she’s an amazing mom and an amazing person but, it’s just, I don’t even know if I have feelings. Here’s why
In 2019 I graduated HS, I was a senior during spring 2019. During senior year I had a best friend, for incognito sake we’ll call her Rose.
I mean, we met and dated sophomore year but stayed friends due to it just being awkward. Junior year we didn’t have any classes together so we did not really talk. She ended up dating her current boyfriend (maybe fiancé idk) during that time. But so senior year we end up having pretty much every class together, at first I didn’t really notice her as I just sat with my home boy, but day two of senior year she came early and sat next to me. Now we both, but especially her, were shy. Like really awkward at making convo but with each other we were just always talking.. I’m an introvert so for me to really enjoy constantly talking to someone is rare, and with her it just felt natural. We understood each other so much. And to me she wasn’t just my best friend, she was my crush, the one, the one I wanted to be with. The problem was, she was with her current man, who treated her like shit. She never had a boyfriend before me in sophomore year. So with it being awkward we stayed friends, and she ended up dating this dude junior year, so in 2018. And so with them being together for a while you can imagine her being attached to her only real longterm relationship. He was toxic. He was controlling, manipulative, one of those “if you leave I’ll kill myself” guys. and I know I wasn’t the only one because her friends saw it too as they’d talk to me about it. But me being so deep in this admiration for this girl I really cherished our friendship more than straight up going for any romance with her. But I would 100% speak my mind letting her know he was bad for her and she def knew I was into her. Well around February break 2019 she breaks up with him, and she FaceTimed me, it was out of the blue but I answered because for her to be FaceTiming me was strange, not because we never talked but because we just mostly texted. But I answer and it turned out they had broken up and she just needed someone to talk to so I was there and we talked. He was liking other girl’s posts and lying to her while being manipulative as I said and pulling the whole suicidal shtick. So during that week I was able to get her to stop thinking about him, she came over to my apartment (all parents knowledgeable) and we went out to the nearby mall and I would be taking snaps of her just for memories with us and it was a fun time. We went to bath and body works and I bought 80$ worth of lotion and scrubs not because she asked me to, she didn’t, but because I just wanted to have a good time (she loved scents and soaps and all that). So we have that moment and like a week or two passes and you know she would have her back and fourths with going back to him and I would keep telling her like it’s not good for her etc. it led to her getting upset at me cuz I was a little rough, not name calling or anything just being more stern because he was clearly toxic for her. So we stop talking for like a month or two and then we got over it and were friends again. So we graduate June 2019 and idk after graduation if I had called her or if she called me but we connected again and turned out they had broken up but it was more serious like family involved and shit. Still she’s not fully over him cuz he was her only real boyfriend especially by that point it was over a year but it seemed way more possible that she was getting over him. So me and her actually get even closer than ever, got me watching vampire diaries and all that. To the point where we literally hang out every other day in my room as her sister would bring her over. We went to the mall a couple of times as well and didn’t really buy anything just looked around. But yea we’d be alone in my room (my mom would respect privacy) for literally hours, I remember it was a straight 7 hours us just watching Netflix talking laughing
Like honestly it sounds like straight up friendzone shit
But at this point I know she’s feeling me
I’m swiping up on her selfies making her feel good
And she’s really insecure like she hates her self even up to now and I’ll explain how I know that later
But she’s really insecure but she would start sending me more selfies and I’d be making her feel good and pretty and I just never felt this way about a woman ever in my life. I’m an introvert shy sometimes emotionless geek I literally suck at keeping convo and I honestly hate people and hate conversations
But with her it just felt right.
All of this led to a day in October 2019 where, I’m not pushing for her to get with me but it’s like clear she has a thing for me and it’s been clear I was into her. She’s still very hesitant because of her ex at this point but me and her hang out one day and we just have that moment
I go in like I’m gonna tell her something quietly and I turn her chin my way and we kiss for a solid 4 seconds even with a little tongue action. And honestly even up to now it’s the best kiss of my life. I never knew what people meant when they said the world would stop spinning
But in that moment It did
That very next morning I was working at target and at about 6:30am she texted me letting me know how happy she was that that kiss happened. I was so happy, I felt butterflies I never would feel again…
Now for what ended that? She was still conflicted about her ex and I felt a way so I told her straight how wrong it was that he was toxic yet she still wanted him
And she got upset and ignored me for about a few months
I tried sending messages and calls but nothing
So the new year, 2020 hits
The show Friends gets taken off of Netflix
And I decide to take her off my friends list
I move on to a new life
I join my college as a new freshman but I started late in the spring semester, so January. That’s where I meet my current girl
So when I met her it was more of a hook up kind of thing, but because she had been abused before
And I had been played so much (other than
Rose, not that she played me because she didn’t, but I mean with other exes) that I just kinda settled and maybe she did too
Somehow that settling down led to about four years and a toddler later
And it’s not that she’s not a pretty or nice woman, she is, and maybe at first it was just the honeymoon phase, but like idk, as time went on I just felt like I wasn’t in the right spot. But I’m too much of a p***y to ever do anything about it
I hate confrontation, I literally crumble under pressure so no way I can break up unless given a real reason to. Because I just am afraid of the backlash, of being a heartbreaker. That’s how I felt since about 2021
But then she gets pregnant in 2022
So now what….I didn’t have a dad so no way I was about to put a baby thru that. I decide to move in with her and the fam. And ever since then it’s just gotten worse and worse
I’m unhappy
I think so much about my past
It’s not that she treats me like shitcus she doesn’t
But she also doesn’t give me that affection or love that I look her
She shrugs off the hugs
Barely taps me for a kiss
It’s more like we just are coparents who happen to live together and go on dates once in a while
And yes I’ve talked about it before but she insists that she is trying
And idk it just maybe is me
But here’s a kick
Rose and I hadn’t spoken since 2019 when she started ignoring me
I didn’t mention that after I had gotten with my current girl, in about May 2020
I received a drunk text
From
Rose
Basically telling me everything I ever wanted to her from her in 2019, but in that moment in 2020.
I didn’t even respond
That right there
That right there was the moment I let the one that got away, get away
Because for years. Until summer of 2023, I thought about her
I suppressed it enough
I tried living my current life
But I had one night
One dream
And everything hit hard.
What could I do? Nothing.
Except….
I never had closure with her, so in May 2023 what did I do? I send her this big ass message basically saying I’m happy for her and all that.
At this point not only did I have my baby son, but she had two daughters with the same guy from high school.
And she responded basically saying the same thing like she’s happy for me etc.
Then I ddidnt respond cuz I thought that was it that’s all I needed, closure
But then in June 2023 she sends me a text basically saying that she wanted to say so much more but couldn’t
And so I start messaging her back and fourth because all of my crazy what if thoughts just came true. Like
“What if she messages me?”
“What if she always felt the same?”
This all happened on Snapchat, and it’s saved by her to this day
So I mean, I could either screenshot it, and be a weirdo when she gets notified, just to send it here
Or I can copy and paste some of what she said in the comments
Let me know
If you’re reading this far, get a life, but thank you for staying
So
Turns out all my crazy what if’s are true
And she literally tells me everything I’d want to hear
That she thought about me constantly when she knows she shouldn’t have
How her man’s still hates me
How she has regrets as well involving me
Even after we stopped talking, in like 2021, me and my current girl went to the local IHOP’s and of course out of coincidence who do we get seats right behind? Rose and her (at the time) one daughter and same guy
Rose saw me, I didn’t think she did
But she mentioned it during our June 2023 conversation
She even texted me and saved
“All we can do is try to live our lives now and be friends and whatever the future holds will come, it might not come soon but it will”
And it’s like. We haven’t really talked since then
Because she felt really guilty about hiding it
Obviously still hiding it cuz I’m convinced shit would go down if her guy found out
But I’d send her messages here and there
I even tried sending like a more straight up text saying how I felt
And she just said she couldn’t say why she wanted to
Again becausse of guilt
She explained how she’s not fully happy but she can’t imagine putting her daughters through not seeing their dad every day
Which I understand completely
And we only 23 so who knows what happens by 30-35
The whole point of this is to try and justify my thinking
Like am I crazy? I should get over this right? And accept my life for what it is now, cuz there’s no way I have the balls to walk away unless provoked or I somehow get that insane green light.
But am i crazy? I mean that’s my biggest regret
The drunk text I didn’t respond to
But maybe the internet can give me a reality check
..