I do not handle it well when there’s conflict, or when people are in bad moods. This isn’t specific to my girlfriend. Even as a kid, seeing members of my family in a fight, or feeling bad, I’d be unable to just do my own thing and would try to fix it, people would just get angry at me, but I couldn’t help it. It was rough if I’m being honest, it was a daily thing. My family did not get along, won’t go into the details but this is really deeply ingrained.
We’ve talked about this a few times over the years, but I fall into those habits without realizing, when things are shitty (not in the relationship, but just on her end, we’ve rarely had issues), I’m constantly around her and trying to care for her and do things for her, it sounds nice, but I overdo it and don’t realize until she tells me.
I’ve thought about it at length, and I’m not upset that she thinks it’s too much, I know she appreciates that I care a lot, but when it’s pointed out to me, it just hits me how annoying I’ve been. Like if someone did that to me, I’d feel the same way.
In general, I think I’m neglecting my own self. I ignore my mental health, neglect shit I have to do, and I’m making a lot of “me” about our relationship rather than my own self. I know that what I’m doing is selfish, even though it doesn’t seem like it. I’m just trying to avoid my anxieties, and think too much for my own good.
So, I know all this, but how do I change it? I don’t know how to sit with those feelings and let people deal with things while just being there to listen or to help if asked, I end up feeling like it’s my responsibility, sometimes my fault. It’s genuinely difficult to stop it, even when aware of it, and I just don’t know how to put myself first and just live my own life that she’s part of rather than it being all about her.
We’ve been together 7 years, and I’m still as deeply in love with her as I’ve ever been, I’m very secure in the relationship, so this isn’t out of fear it’ll end either, it’s just my inability to sit with bad feelings, and the fact that I don’t seem to have that kind of love for myself.
I know this is a lot, and I am in therapy, but talking about it doesn’t seem to help much. I’m not sure if I should try something else or what, but being like this is fucking tiring if I’m being honest. Appreciate any advice, especially if you were like this and figured it out.
tl;dr: Can’t handle conflict, can’t stop trying to fix people’s issues, deeply ingrained childhood crap, causes strain in my relationship sometimes, and makes me ignore my own needs/wants.