I went through my boyfriend’s phone last night when he was sleeping and saw some hurtful messages and don’t know what to do. It had nothing to do with cheating and I wasn’t even suspecting that at all. There are two little backstories that I need to share before I get to the point. I apologize in advance for the long post.
Short backstory to our relationship:
We have been dating for a year and 2 months and are pretty serious and love each other and are even kind of starting to talk about our future together. He is my first serious boyfriend. He has been in serious relationships before, so I already get in my head about that sometimes feeling like I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m not a very affectionate person and he’s made comments that unintentionally make it obvious that all of his exes were more affectionate than me and that he’s not used to it, so it makes me get in my head.
Back story to the texts I saw on his phone:
About 3 months ago, we went to a concert together with my Aunt and Uncle. This was my favorite band in the world that he got me tickets to for my birthday and I was so unbelievably excited. We ended up getting into a huge fight at the concert. We were both drinking, but he had gotten way too drunk and was past the point where he could make any sense or have even a somewhat rational conversation. He kept asking me over and over and over again for more alcohol (which I was holding) and I kept telling him no because he was way too drunk. He started causing a scene and literally would not stop asking and kept saying things like “Fine I’m done. I’m done. I’m done. Have a fun night” over and over and putting his hands up like I’m being the bad guy and making me feel bad for how expensive the tickets were. I was so mortified by his behavior and I was literally crying BEGGING him to stop, and he would not. When we got home, he barely even knew what was going on and didn’t even realize anything was wrong. I was so embarrassed and disgusted by his behavior and was so hurt by his actions, especially in front of my family, and him not realizing anything was wrong made it even worse. We almost broke up this night because I was so mad. He agreed to take a break from drinking as we both thought this was a good idea. It’s been three months now and we’ve somewhat moved past this, but I haven’t forgotten.
So.. those were the backstories to the text messages I saw on his phone last night. They were between him and his close friend. The conversation started with my boyfriend messaging his friend on the night we fought at the concert, I think around when we were leaving to go home. He was saying things about how he’s so done, how I make everything about myself and everything has to be perfect for me, how I get princess treatment just to treat him like a bum, how I’ve been so irritable and critical lately that it’s not even enjoyable to be around me, that he spent $600 on these tickets and I’ve just been mad and having an attitude all night. Then, he started complaining about things that had nothing to do with our fight. He started telling his friend how, he didn’t know this before we started dating but he thinks I’ve been “passed around” before I started dating him and that I was a “team player” who would just sleep with any guy and said that it’s “Kinda gross”. He started complaining about how he “has 80k in his bank account but still somehow gets told how he should be managing his money better” when that’s just not even true. He started telling his friend how I’m shady and hide my phone from him and saying how “even his ex didn’t do that” (which I don’t know why he had to bring up his ex) and all this stuff that just isn’t even true. I’ve never once tried hiding my phone from him.
The sound of his messages made it sound like he was almost ready to break up. I don’t even remember what else he said about me because I was so shocked reading the things he was saying. This was only a couple of months ago and before this fight, we were totally fine and having so much fun and not having any issues at all. That’s what really hurt and shocked me, I’m looking back and second-guessing so many parts of our relationship now. I know he was very drunk but his messages made full sense and had almost no typos (he doesn’t have auto correct) so he knew what he was saying.
I’m just really hurt right now because a lot of the things he said to his friend contradict stuff he tells me all the time. He has told me that he doesn’t care about my past or body count and would never think I’m gross (we literally just had a conversation about this last week). He is always telling me how he loves treating me like a princess and how it makes him so happy to do things for me to help me out and how much he loves me and loves spending time with me and how “perfect” I am for him and that there’s nothing to complain about in the slightest. When he says these things to me, he sounds so genuine and I truly believe him. I even ask him if there is anything I do that bothers him and I make sure that the love and acts of service are reciprocated and he always tells me that everything is perfect and that he’s so happy as long as I’m happy. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that my boyfriend said and thinks these things about me. I don’t know what to do because I’m definitely in the wrong here. I looked through his phone and invaded his privacy. But now that I saw these messages that’s all I’m going to think about when I’m with him. The things he said were hurtful but at the end of the day it’s his phone and he has the right to complain to his friend. It’s just the contradicting statements he made that are hurting me. So I can’t help but wonder what else he thinks of me that he hasn’t told me. Or that he’s not always being truthful about how he feels and maybe just tells me what I want to hear when we’re arguing.
I don’t know how I can be around him now and act like nothing is wrong because those words really hurt. Do i say something to him? Do i just try to move on and get past this on my own?