I’ve been dating an amazing man – I’ll call him Jack (we’re all men, so it would get too confusing to only use pronouns) – for the past nine months, and things are going really well. He is kind, generous, funny, very intelligent, and one of the most handsome men I have ever seen. I never thought I would fall in love with someone so deeply, but he makes me believe in soulmates. Our relationship is excellent, and Jack is a very loving and supportive partner.
However, the one point of contention in our relationship is that Jack is still married to his ex for immigration purposes. His ex needs to stay married to Jack in order to get his green card, and Jack refuses to divorce him until he receives it. They don’t live together or even near each other (different states far apart), and haven’t for almost two years.
The problem is that his ex (32M) is an incredibly toxic, mean, jealous, and hateful man. Jack has never really talked to me in detail about their relationship, but I know from talking with one of his close friends that his ex was very emotionally abusive, and it really destroyed Jack’s sense of self-worth. He treated Jack like dirt, and when they split, he basically demanded all their joint assets, or he would lie in court and destroy Jack’s reputation. It broke my heart to hear all of this, but the whole situation really came to a head last week.
I went to Jack’s house last Friday (I have a key) and accidentally overheard part of a conversation (he was in his office and had his desk phone on speaker). He was filing taxes with his ex as they still need to file together for immigration, and the things I heard that man say to Jack were things that I wouldn’t have said to my worst enemy. The tone and harshness were unreal, and then he said, verbatim, “God, you’re so fucking dumb! You’re lucky you’re handsome because otherwise, no one would ever be interested in you.” I was floored. He then continued to berate Jack for being dumb, not being successful enough (also not true), for his personality, etc. I stood out in the hallway, frozen, shocked at what I was hearing and not knowing if I should come in, stay out, or what to do. I ended up walking back to the kitchen and just sat there, wanting to cry. When I heard him wrapping up the call a few minutes later, I went back to the front door and opened and closed it loudly, pretending that I just arrived to spare him the embarrassment of knowing I had overheard.
Jack hasn’t told me much about his ex other than he’s not a very nice person and he lost a lot of money due to his marriage. But now, hearing how his ex speaks to him, I’m floored. A couple of days later, I was talking to Jack about why he stays married to his ex (without telling him I overheard his call), and his response was, “Because I promised him I would until he got his green card.” When I told him that people get divorced all the time and that he doesn’t owe this man anything, he got irritated at me and said, “If you only keep your word when it’s easy, then it doesn’t mean anything. A man’s word has to mean something.”
And while I think that’s really admirable, I don’t think that he should have to put up with abuse. Whenever I try to bring up this conversation, he shuts me down. Should I tell him I know about the phone call and about the years of abusive behavior? I don’t want to hurt his feelings or sense of pride, but I feel so horrible that he’s having to carry this burden by himself. If I don’t tell him, how can I help him heal from being treated so horribly? And should I be hurt that he doesn’t talk to me about this? He’s very open and honest about everything else, but any time the topic of his ex comes up, I feel like I’m walking in a minefield. How should I approach this topic with him?
tl;dr: My boyfriend is still married to a terrible man for immigration reasons and refuses to talk to me about his situation.