So, my partner and I have been in a long-distance relationship since we met in a random game lobby and hit it off – a tale as old as time. We exchanged messages and pictures, as you do, and we hit it off like a whirlwind. I felt like we were made for each other, even if we’re very different people. That’s what made it exciting. We live and we learn from each other.
A little context – I have a touch of the BPD, but it’s treated, I had therapy for 4 straight years prior to this relationship to protect any relationship going forward (and myself, of course). I’m always cautious that my insecurities or worries about being abandoned are blown out of proportion, so I think dialectically to try to get myself on the level.
We’ve been together for a year and three months; we’ve discussed our future together in detail, and the first time we met it was pure chemistry – it couldn’t have gone better, despite the odd flutter of nerves and awkward first kiss at the airport. It felt so right to be with her, we stayed cooped up in that little vacation rental for a couple weeks and despaired at the prospect of me returning home. It was heart-breaking, and we both hated every second we weren’t apart from then on.
I visited a couple more times after that. No hitch, wonderful times, very much in love.
Fast forward to the last time I visited – this time, I came to see her at her property; time to meet the family, get out and do some dates. I suggest meeting her father – we do, and I hit it off with him very quickly (much to her surprise), and we head back to hers again. Every time after this, she doesn’t want to leave save for a quick trip to the store – no more family visits (she has quite a few siblings). I ask her about this and she tells me she doesn’t mention me at all to them; she doesn’t like talking about her partners because it’s purely OUR business and no one else should know. She brings up that she’s embarrassed that I’d spoken to my family about her, that they know she exists. She says this very angrily – she’d not mentioned this to me before.
We stay at her property, eating, watching her animals and catching up on all the missed physical activity (as you’d expect from an LDR). The sex is good, the conversation is fine and we keep ourselves busy; I let her set the pace for entertainment as she’s an anxious by nature person and I respect that. The times passes, too quickly of course, and it’s time to go to the airport – last minute, she decides she has anxiety pains, calls her father to pick me up, we have our emotional moment of hugging, crying and kissing before I jump into his car and I leave.
From here on out, her entire communication has soured. My “I love you”s are met with swerve statements, where I took priority in her life (we would talk every morning, sleep on calls without question, etc) is no longer the case and there is zero affection now – we’re just updating each other casually here and there basically. The other day I called her out on it and was told that I’m “overthinking” – which I took on face value because BPD be like that sometimes. And today, she tells me, finally, that me being in her space, on her property, annoyed her. Ever since I left, she apparently feels “weird” and can’t shake it – every word out of my mouth irritates her and she can’t explain to me properly (beyond me annoying her) why everything has changed. She wants me to tone down my affection, leave her to game with her friends, and let her work out what’s wrong – which I’m fine to do, I don’t want forced affection or make her tell me she loves me, but I have the feeling she wants me to break up with her but she’s too anxious to do it herself and doesn’t want to hurt me. The only big argument we had was over how to correctly do the dishes; she snapped at me, I stood my ground and she apologised for being overzealous. Trivial, right?
Admittedly I’m a very affectionate person, and I need to feel that I’m loved and appreciated in a relationship – especially past the ‘honeymoon’ period. I need open communication, honesty and reassurance at times. Since that spigot ran dry, I’ve been left feeling unloved, unwanted and unappreciated. Whenever I try to talk about where we’re at, she says she doesn’t know and doesn’t get it either. I ask her if she still wants the future we planned – she says yes, and that she loves me. I tell her this situation hurts and my heart is breaking, she says sorry. What else can I do besides give her time and space to work out what she’s feeling? Am I wasting my time here? Is my BPD likely correct in this instance that she’s likely too anti-conflict to do the deed herself and leave me and just staying until it hurts too much for me to deal with? Maybe I’m just too much?
TLDR – I annoyed my ldr partner while in her space and now she doesn’t reciprocate my love because she feels weird.