I don’t like that I like it. I don’t want to like it. It has happened in real life and has caused me to feel uneasy or anxious around most men. I felt very disgusted and irritated when it happened.
And now I am dreaming about and thoroughly enjoying it almost every night. Gosh this is so embarrassing to talk about, but I need to understand why this is happening.
One time a man in a suit and tie was choking me to death and I offered him sex so he would spare my life. I remember climbing into his lap before I woke up.
Another time a man standing behind me was fondling me as I faced the wall and wouldn’t let me move. I remember him kissing my neck and biting my ear before it ended.
There was also one where I could apparently fly, and I was in the sky watching a group of boys chase me. I remember accidentally flying too low and they caught me. They didn’t gang bang me though. They just put their hands all over my body.
It’s always stuff like this and the worst part about it is that I feel genuine disappointment when I wake up right at the “good” part.
Nothing else arouses me this much. I don’t like to watch porn. I don’t like to use NSFW subreddits. And all my past (consensual) sexual experiences with men did not satisfy me. I consider myself bisexual but haven’t had the chance to experiment with a woman.
Why am I like this? What is wrong with me? 😔