So my bf (24m) and I (23m) have been together for 6 months. And there have been absolutely wonderful things that we’ve done together. We’ve gone to basketball games, different states, and hiking. Not only that, but he is also one of the sweetest men i’ve met, he truly listens to me and he isn’t nervous to communicate about things that are going on. There are so many other great things, But as of lately, everything has changed.
So to begin this was all a downward spiral from a situation that we found ourselves in and having to navigate through, but I think we navigated into different directions. There was one night he went to go hang out with his best friend (25f) and her fiance (26f), and they had started drinking as the night went on. \*This part of the story is what my boyfriend told me\* Apparently, at some point in the night, his best friend and her fiance decided to invite over another girl to have sex with them. My boyfriend said that they talked for a while and then after that, the three girls went to the bedroom and did their thing while he just sat on the couch. He told me that his best friend wasn’t into guys so she wouldnt want him to have joined them anyways (my brain picked up that he said nothing about the other two girls and if they tried to do something with him but just didn’t want to tell me…)
A few days later, he brought the conversation up again and said he thought that it was interesting that they would do that. And i told him “That’s good for them, all power to them. But that will not be us.” and he asked why I had said it that way. I told him that having a third person join our relationship isn’t in any of my interests, i let him know this before we even started dating, and that if its what he truly wanted that the door wasn’t far away. But when i asked him if it was something that he would want, he said, “I would be open to it if you wanted to.” Which made my brain shut down, because now i think that its something that he actually does want. And that makes me feel as though i’m not good enough or as though he’s not attracted to me. But I’m nervous to bring this up because he said that his ex also thought that he was having sex with this particular friend and that my bf broke up with him because he was thinking that. But i’m confused and concerned because now i have the same thought, and he’s the one that set the pattern for me to think it. So now im nervous he’ll just break up with me because i’m thinking this. But i also understand that it’s me dodging a bullet if he does, and that its probably true then… right?
But anyways, this moment had me really start thinking about the past 6 months and how things have changed since that situation. What i have noticed is that, he has never once, initiated having sex with me, not once. He doesn’t even touch me in dirty ways. And as of lately, I’ve tried offering sex, and even offering toys that we could go buy to try out but he says he just hasn’t been feeling it. But his “not feeling it” and been 2 months now. Not only that, but from the time we’ve started dating he has gotten me zero gifts, not even flowers. I’m not saying that I need gifts or that i’m greedy, but we went through Christmas, New Years and Valentines Day together and he didn’t get me a single thing. I’ve gotten him gifts, but he hasn’t even got me a $5 card… He has also never watched a movie or tv show that I like, it’s always his shows. When I try to be very sweet and sentimental with him, he laughs and just says thanks, but hasn’t once been super sentimental with me. We’ve only been on 4 dates since we started dating as well, I would say 5 but one of our dates got ruined. And i know this one is stupid but it still hurts, but I had told him that i loved him and he didn’t say it back, he said he feels all those ways but just isn’t ready to say it yet. But when he meets a new coworker, he’ll say “love you” to them with no hesitation. I know it’s a different kind of love, but I don’t know, it still hurts.
He has also recently began making plans with me, and then cancelling on me the day of. He’ll say that he actually has a lot of stuff at home he needs to do, like clean his room, do his laundry, etc, or he acts like he forgot we made plans in the first place. He has also started working a lot more. Which is fine, I understand he needs to make money, but he’ll schedule himself to work on days that we’ve had something planned out to do together.
I also usually call him handsome out of nowhere, because he is truly a very handsome man and I always want to make him feel confident. He has never really done this to me, but he’s done it twice recently so maybe this specific thing might change.
I will also say that part of this may be my fault, since we’ve started dating i’ve gained a lot of weight because of work and everything. But I’ve started to lose it and have lost 12lbs so far! So we are winning there haha, only 38 more to go.
I have talked to him about some of this stuff, he said he hasn’t been into sex recently because he’s been feeling depressed (not anything to do with me, even though I feel a part of it is) and wants to be into it, not feeling like he just has to get through it. He said he feels nervous to touch me sexually because that’s not something he’s used to, which after 6 months of dating, I find to be kind of ridiculous. He said he understands about the gift thing and it’s not too much to ask for, but has still gotten me nothing and has done nothing romantic since. We had this conversation a month ago.
Anyways, what do you think my next steps should be? Obviously I have to have a conversation with him about all this stuff, but I just want to make sure that i’m coming from a justified place and that im not creating a narrative in my head that is just leading to my demise. Can you tell me your thoughts on how I should go about this or your thoughts/advice on the situation i have on my hands. Anything would be greatly appreciated! I’m just really confused on where to go at this moment in time.
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tl;dr – my boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and everything was great. But he recently brought up the idea of a third person after seeing his best friend do it after we agreed to be monogamous from the start. I would bring this up but he said that his last bf thought the same thing and he broke up with him because of it. He has also never bought me a gift, touched me sexually or watched any of my favorite movies. He said he’s depressed lately and just hasn’t been into sex so he doesn’t want it to feel like a chore. I Just feel very rejected by him and as though im unattractive. How should I go about this?