A little less than a year ago my boyfriend got into a pretty bad motorcycle accident. They weren’t sure if he would survive. It was a day by day thing. I was by his side every single day.
There was a period where he was on the verge of death
I read his notes. He keeps a bunch of notes because he’s super disorganized and writing things down helps him remember things. But they’re always funny. If we have a grocery list, he makes up silly names or he draws “bad milk”.
I wanted to hear his voice and his thoughts before he was taken from me. It wasn’t planned out, his stuff was there and I never had an urge to look at it before but death does funny things to you.
I regret reading it. I know it’s my fault.
But in the mess of notes was an essay about his thoughts and feelings. my boyfriend doesn’t really like me. He felt obligated to date me because I had a crush on him and I asked him out. He would have felt bad if he rejected me. I’m a placeholder and he is still in love with his ex.
There are pages and pages about her and how much he loved and loves her and how hard he took their breakup. I found out he would send her love letters and was romantic as hell for her. He changed himself entirely for her.
I definitely can’t and won’t hold anything against him. It’s his own private thoughts.
I told him I read some of his notes and he cracked a joke. I don’t know how to tell him I read his true feelings.
I’m a little sad that I’m never the first choice, that I’m always the forgotten friend or the backup plan.
My boyfriend and his family have thanked me for standing by his side. He’s still in rehab right now and he’s getting much better. I’m helping him with a lot of things right now. His mom subtly said that she hoped I would marry him.
I feel kind of numb. I’m not really depressed or angry at him. I just feel inadequate. I wish I was enough for someone to be that passionate about me.
How do I tell him that I read his essay about his ex? And how do I say that he shouldn’t feel obliged to stay with me just because I helped him?