TL;DR: had a threesome with bf and best friend and got big mad, currently resisting the urge to strangle the both of them and asking how are some of the ways that I would be able to process through my anger/jealousy/other negative emotions
My boyfriend (30M) and I (21F) began to see each other back two years ago (July 2022) but officially started dating last March. I don’t necessarily believe that sex is everything in a relationship but I will say that our sexual chemistry is through the roof and that we could be some real NASTY mfs. We’re really huge on experimenting in the bedroom and he has given me the opportunity to really explore things that I’ve never been able to try previously (toys, roleplay, etc). One thing that my partner has expressed wanting to try one of these days was a threesome and was down to try either MFF or MMF, although he did prefer if it were a girl first. I agreed that we can have a threesome under the condition that I would be the one who would select the girl.
So I had started becoming super close to this one girl (F22) for the purposes of initiating a threesome as my SO wanted it. She’s into both guys and girls and has been in threesomes before, so I thought she would’ve been a perfect candidate. My SO and I established our boundaries and expectations for the threesome (condoms, what to do in certain scenarios, etc.). He reassured me that he would be paying attention to me more; that the girl is meant to be a “pet” for us. I do feel like over the span of the last few months, he had been trying to convince me to get the ball rolling. I guess I was getting the jitters because I’ve never been intimate with a girl nor engage in a threesome so I was really worried with my performance and didn’t wanna fuck up my friend/relationship with the both of them, if something were to go wrong.
Last night was the night that the threesome actually happened and had some alcohol and weed in our systems. At first, my partner and I were having sex while she watched and slowly made her way onto me. We all took turns giving each other oral before he had sex with me again and then switched over to her while she ate me out. After a while she was getting really rough with me so I basically tapped out of that round. I started to go in and out of sleep because I admittedly drank a little too much, but I just kept hearing them fucking over and over again, round after round. I kept trying to tune them out and turnt the other way cuz “out of sight, out of mind” but I started to get really upset and slammed the door on my way to the restroom. To his credit, my SO immediately ran after me just before I was going to hop in the shower to make sure that I was okay. Afterwards, the girl falls asleep and my SO and I start having sex again. I’m on top of him and after a while, he’s trying to push me off and tells me that I’m being selfish. He then proceeds to wake the other girl up and FUCKS HER AGAIN. without a condom since we ran out. Overall, he had penetrated her about 4-5x came like once or twice and penetrated me about 3x but shot blanks.
Although I did find this to be a fun experience, I keep getting angry the more I think about it. He was pretty attentive and kept checking up on me throughout the night, but regardless I wouldn’t have done the threesome if it weren’t for his sake. The girl was actually reluctant to do anything with my SO throughout the threesome because she wanted my permission, but the second I dozed off she didn’t hesitate to get raw-dogged by my man. My SO keeps reassuring me that between me and my friend, that I’m better sexually and that he isn’t attracted to my friend compared to me but I can’t help to wonder why you would raw dog my friend while I was sleep as well!!!!
My partner and I had a lengthy discussion about our thoughts and feelings about the threesome afterwards; we agreed that we probably aren’t going to be looking for another MFF threesome anytime soon and that we are definitely not going to be inviting that specific friend out again for a second encounter. He kept reassuring me that he does not harbor any sort of feelings for the girl and that I’m so much better than her, how much he loves me blah blah blah. But I’m still mad over the fact that he certainly had his way with her and enjoyed himself a lil too much. I’m also sensing that my friendship with this girl had already shifted because she kept giving me weird vibes throughout the whole night and I can’t help but to feel awkward around her now. I know that I was the one who agreed to everything, but I felt like my boyfriend and my friend kept pressuring me to keep it going since I was the “glue”.
I’m really worried about how this is is going to affect with my relationship, specifically if I’m ever going to lash out at him one of these days bc of how I’m bottling up any anger, jealousy, disgust, etc. I probably wouldn’t have initiated a threesome if he hadn’t pushed me to do so. I know I probably made him seem like a huge asshole throughout the post, but he’s a very attentive and caring individual and i can see us being together for the long haul. However, I know that I’m the type of person that gets overwhelmed easily and that I tend to hold grudges. I know that I’m not going to be able to move past this easily.
So I guess I’m asking what would be the way to best navigate through my anger and jealousy?