Basically what the title says. My wife has brown hair so dark it looks black, blue eyes, and a skin tone that is a couple of shades darker than tan. I have black hair, dark brown eyes, and a skin tone a shade darker than my wife. We have three children. 2 boys m6, and a little girl f3. None of them look like me or my wife. My boys have brown reddish hair, hazel eyes. My girl is a dark blonde with light brown eyes. They are all on the lighter side when it comes to skin tone.
I didn’t think anything of it at first. Both me and my wife have some interesting heritage, but from the birth of my sons my family kept bringing it up to me. They would point out the facial features all the time. Where does that chin come from? Look at those cheek bones. That boy stands as straight as a ruler. Who has hair that straight. Things like that. I shut them down or ignored it all. I never paid any mind to them.
Then an old high school friend of my wife’s was in town. He was only in town for a couple of days so there wasn’t really time doe my wife to meet him for lunch or anything because we had a lot going on so my wife invited him to our girl’s 3rd birthday party. He wasn’t at our wedding and I had never met him before even on previous vists. He was always in and out. Sometimea my wife could see him, sometimes she couldn’t. Then there he was. This tall white man with dark blonde hair and hazel coloured eyes.
He and my wife were obviously close. They hugged for a long time. The whole time he was there he was wherever my wife was, and me and my family watched them. If she was putting more food out, he was there helping. If she was collecting stray plates and cups and trash, he was there giving a hand. The whole time he was there they were laughing and talking. She introduced him to those who didn’t lnow him but it was obvious he wasn’t there to socialize, he just wanted to talk to her for the time he was there. A couple of hours later it was time for him to go. My wife walked him out. They had another long hug before he climbed into his Uber and left.
My mother and sister were in my ear from the moment they laid eyes on him. I didn’t need to hear their suspicions, I had plenty of my own rocking around in my head.
I’ll spare you all the gory details of my behaviour in the weeks following my girl’s birthday. I’ll only say I wasn’t a pleasure to be around. My wife doesn’t like drama, doesn’t like conflict. She likes to talk things out. That doesn’t mean she’ll back away from conflict and avoid drama at any costs, only that she prefers to qork things out calmly. So in the middle of me picking an argument with her, when I finally outright accused her of cheating, accused her of passing those kids off as mine and demanding a paternity test, I did not expect her to come back at me as hot as she did. She said she had been waiting for the day I would throw this at her. She had not been blind or deaf to all my family had said and done over the years, and my allowimg it, but she had hoped I had more trust in her than to listen to people that never approved of her, people who had nothing better to do with their lives but talk bs about everyone else. I don’t know why but her saying those things pushed me over the edge. The argument grew and grew. I grabbed by the upper arms so hard I left bruises, and shook her. Her hand came up and slapped me right across the face.
The police were called.
I was made to leave the house. I went to my parents. A couple of days later I went home but the locks had been changed and my wife wasn’t answering the door or picking up her phone. The following week she filed a petition for paternity of all my kids. 2 weeks later, the day after I was given confirmation that they were my kids, I recieved divorce papers.
It’s been months. I’ve tried calling her, I have reached out through Facebook, tried intermediaries, I’ve written letters, she refuses to engage. I’ve been told by her sister, who has been blocked by my wife, that she refuses to talk to anyone about me and is cutting out anyone who tries to bring me up. She doesn’t care if they’re family or friends. One word about me she cuts them out, blocks them.
Her parents are the go-between these days, and only about the kids. They bring the kids to me whenever I ask for them. My wife won’t allow me at the house, not even to pick up/drop off the kids, yet she doesn’t try to stop me from seeing them. Her mom told me she doesn’t know if my wife will ever forgive me. She is deeply hurt and absolutely refuses to speak about me. I try to give them money for my kids everytime I see them but they refuse it saying my wife doesn’t want my money. A mutual friend has told me he thinks I broke her. He and his wife help her with the kids sometimes and he says the life has gone right out of her.
I have leased an apartment a couple of blocks away from my wife and children and have gone very low contact with my own family. Not that I blame them for what I did, but it’s hard to be around them right now. They continue to blame my wife for all that’s happened and take no accountability for any wrongdoings against her since my sons were born. My kids keep asking when I’m coming home and why mom cries all the time. I don’t know what to tell them.
I’m not looking for advice on how to save my marriage. It’s too late for that. There is no getting around the fact I have destroyed my family. I miss my kids, I miss my wife. I wish I could take it all back but I can’t. I’ve lost her. Even so, maybe there are people here who can advise me on how to foster an amicable co-parenting relationship. Maybe help me find a way that will get my wife to accept my financial support for her and the kids. I still pay the mortgage on the house so she doesn’t have to worry about that. She works but she doesn’t make enough to live comfortably. I’m prepared to be vilified. My only hope is that there is some useful counsel and guidance that comes with the insults and disparagement.
Edit – I came back to more comments than I can handle. I’ll try to answer some questions here. Apologies if I miss a few.
There are a couple of comments that point the finger of blame at my wife. Don’t do that. This, all of it, is on me.
I think we can all agree how stupid I am. Genetics is not something I knew anything about. It was not my intention to appear knowledgeable on the subject.
It wasn’t that I decided to confront my wife without any proof. It all caught up to me in the moment and came out in the heat of anger. Once it was out there, it was out there. I could not take it back.
I am not asking how to save my marriage. I know it’s over. I know there is no hope of ever saving my marriage. I did say that in my post.
I was not sitting on my ass at my daughter’s party doing nothing. I was on the grill. Cooking.
I appreciate the advice about setting up accounts for my kids. That’s something I’ll definitely be doing. Also going ahead to pay for anything I don’t necessarily need my wife’s approval for. Utilities, insurance, school, clothes, etc. So thanks for putting that out there.
I’ll look into moving away so I’m not in the immediate area. The only reason I took this apartment was to be close to my kids. I didn’t think about what it would do to my wife. I haven’t run into my wife yet, but that could be because she’s seen me and turned the other way.
It’s going to take a little bit of time before I can call her my ex wife. I know it’s over between her. I just need more time to get used to the ex in ex wife.