Throwaway account for reasons that will become clear.
I(36f) have been with my husband (44m) for about 11 years, married for 7. He is an excellent human being, kind, generous, considerate, loving, and an amazing father to our son (5).
So about a month ago, my husband and I had a small fight. We rarely fight but suffice to say in this instance, I was in the wrong. I left for a bit to cool down and was realizing I was wrong and thinking what I could do to make things better. And then I got hit with this very vivid memory in which I remember how he assaulted me when he was drunk. It was something that I’d shoved to the back of my brain for years, repressed, I guess. It happened, I hid in the bathroom, slept on the couch. Next morning, I told him what happened and he was on his knees apologizing, close to crying. And the he forced me to have sex with him again. I was so in shock that I didn’t try to resist much, I just lay there all catatonic and let him finish. I guess that’s on me, I know I should have pushed back.
Ever since I remembered it, I’ve been unable to look him in the eye, to be too long in the same room with him, to have more than the most basic convos about our son. I’ve been so down that I spent at least 2 solid days in bed, unable to move. I said it was the flu. I’ve always had on and off depression but I’ve been way down in the hole for weeks now. Knowing myself, I know it’s getting to a dangerous point. There are literally 2 things that give me joy and hope. I’m holding onto them.
And then, in addition to the assault, there was the cheating, something I’ve forgiven but never forgotten. The first time, he cheated with a hooker about a month before I moved in. I found out, I left, he groveled, I forgave. Then right after we got engaged, I found out he had an account on one of those sugar daddy websites. I couldn’t prove cheating but, come on. I found out, I left, he groveled, I forgave.
In the years since both incidents, he has been focused on self-improvement. He quit drinking and smoking. He got a therapist who diagnosed him with anxiety. He moved back to my home country with me and is working towards citizenship. He hasn’t been able to find a job yet but he’s been working on it every day and does most of the housework and childcare so I can perform my stressful job more easily. I really can’t stress how excellent of a person he is. Despite the horrible incidents, he is mostly good.
But I don’t know, the memory of the assault is still so vivid. And now I’m doubly angry about the cheating again. I’m extremely uncomfortable around him, can’t stand to be touched. Is this what our lives are going to be like? I desperately don’t want a divorce as it will definitely negatively affect my kid and my husband’s mental health. If there’s a way to salvage this, I will.
I know therapy is the first step and I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I’ve never told anyone all this before and I know the therapist will be all neutral.
So harsh members of this sub: Should I sweep this back under the rug, nut up and move on? Or should I have a messy confrontation, rehash everything and possibly destroy everything?
TL;dr: I had a very jarring memory about my husband assaulting me years ago and this plus 2 instances of cheating is making me wonder if I should give up and divorce even though he is a wonderful person despite those incidents.