My partner 26M and I (F24) have been together for nearly three years. He got testicular cancer last year, and it’s changed our relationship a lot.
Not only was last year the year he got cancer, he also had to move interstate for medical school (big workload), and as a result, be in a long distance relationship with me. It was really tough on us, mostly him, as he wasn’t able to get the support he needed. He didn’t have any friends or family to support him while he was sick since they were far away, and I’m not great with verbal empathy on the phone. Being a little autistic I really struggle with empathy through words, but I’m generally good at showing my love through action, doing extra work around the house, buying little presents, giving massages, etc. but being LD meant I had less options to show my care, and I feel that he hasn’t forgiven me for it. I really did my best to be as supportive as possible, but it was just never enough. It was hard being told constantly by him that I wasn’t doing a good enough job at being supportive/empathetic, I kept feeling like a bad person, and like I wasn’t allowed to express that his illness was affecting me too, since I was constantly worried and was powerless to do anything about it. We fought and argued a lot during his chemotherapy, just not connecting with each other, and I feel very guilty over it. I’ve moved past it, but I don’t feel he has.
Still, I’ve stayed throughout everything, and have now moved interstate just to be together with him and support him in post, but nothing is as it was. He’s in remission, he’s finished his chemo rounds and his hair has even grown back. But, it feels like the person I was dating before the cancer has died. He doesn’t laugh at anything, he’s moody. He used to be more carefree and happy, and now he’s much more sensitive about little things, and just bitter at life and the universe. I feel it’s hard to speak freely without offending him by accident. It grates on me very much.
He’s traumatised from last year, and it’s understandable, but I’m hurt by how different he is. I love him very much, and I know people change over time, it was just so drastic. He’s a good person in many other aspects. He’s kind, and smart, and really cares about me. But things have changed. He’s always busy with university, and almost immediately after we spend time together, whether it’s sex or just cuddling, immediately afterward he sighs and stresses out about his responsibilities and acts very unhappy. He says he doesn’t ever regret out time together, but it’s hard to believe when he acts the way he does.
We’ve moved past a lot of things. At times, when we talk about what happened last year (all the arguing), he’ll claim I said something mean to him, often something awful and tactless. Then I find out I didn’t literally say it, but it just ‘felt like that’s what I meant.’ He’s got an unfortunate habit of just putting words in my mouth I’ve never said when we regale the past. He remembers me as a person who was much worse than I think I was, and it feels that I’ve become the symbol/poster girl of all the bad experiences he had.
I really do love him and want to stay together, but I’m just worried about everything. I know he’ll never be the same as before, but I just need some guidance on what to do. Im just tired of feeling like nothing I do now can make up, and that he won’t forgive me for not being there as much as I could have. We’ve planned couples therapy, but on a waitlist. He has counselling through the university but it’s sporadic.
TLDR My partner’s personality has changed after cancer/chemo, how do I deal with it?