tl;dr Coming from a previously manipulative & sex based relationship, its been a struggle with my self worth and I’m learning to do better.
My current boyfriend of 7 months is everything I’ve ever wanted from a partner, he is my best friend and we just adore eachother. My biggest hurdle though (because of my past relationship) has been sex. Sometimes I’m not sure if I should make the move or wait for him. Some weeks we have sex once, other weeks it’s multiple times.
Sometimes during sex, we go long time and he doesn’t always finish, which can often leave me feeling inadequate. I’ve expressed these things to him before and he has been very patient with me. I don’t want his patience to run out but I have anxious thoughts about it more often than I’d like.
What do I even say at this point?
More detailed explanation:
In my past relationship of 6 years my ex would repeatedly tell me that his love language was sex. It was our biggest argument. He would get upset when I would decline and often times we couldn’t even have a good day if I didn’t have sex with him, while our relationship severely lacked emotional connection and intimacy. Over time, subconsciously I think I associated my self worth and desirability with my sex appeal (at least that’s what my therapist says)
I have been in therapy for about eight months now and I feel like I’ve been significantly better in many aspects of life and my mental health but I still get triggered from time to time.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months now, and he is a wonderful man, everything I could’ve asked for.
In the beginning of our relationship it was harder, I was struggling BAD with feelings of inadequacy when he didn’t want to have sex or if he didn’t finish.
I explain to him what I was going through and why and that I was working on it and he has been very patient with me and continues to be.
Unfortunately, I still every once in a while, get triggered by the situation. For instance, this past weekend, we had sex one day where I finished and he didn’t, usually that happens when we go for a long time, and he just runs out of stamina (maybe 1 out of 5 times?)
He’s also said that sometimes he just doesn’t feel like he wants to finish but he always makes sure I’m taken care of and assures me that he had a fun, wonderful time with me and that he loves me.
Still though, despite trying to “self-talk” through it in private…I still get overwhelming feelings of inadequacy , like I didn’t do a good enough job and I broke down crying. On the opposite end, Some weekends we have sex like 2-3 times and he will finish every time so it seems to really just depends on the situation.
We have talked about babies and a future together and he consistently proves to me that he wants a life with me. I’m doing my best to work through this with my therapist still.
I want to be better, I want to know 100% in my mind and heart that I am worth more than sex.
That just because we don’t have sex every time we’re together doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me.
Sometimes I feel like I make a move more often than him and he’s never expressed an issue with our sex life but I feel like I want to ask him if there is anything he feels like could improve or if there is anything that bothers him?
Maybe it’s simply just a difference in sex drive?
Im sure there are many aspects of this that I’m overthinking (I have a tendency to sometimes)
But what do I say if I want to talk to him about it? Do I even say anything at all?
I appreciate honest responses, please don’t be mean. I’m learning and growing and doing better everyday. I just wanted some outside perspective, maybe from someone or couples who have felt this.
Thank you!