Anonymous account.
My ex-wife (28F) and I (29M) separated in April of 2023. The divorce was finalized in January of 2024. We were together since October of 2012 and married since February of 2017.
Relationship Backstory:
Throughout our relationship we were both very passionate about each other, but she felt as though I didn’t respect her opinions and I felt that she did not respect me as a provider. We argued often about money. I often felt we lived beyond our means and she often argued that I “didn’t want to be a provider” because I often asked her to help contribute more due to our lifestyle (she worked often as a server, and two years before we divorced she transitioned into the finance field). This discussion would often lead to her saying I need to be more ambitious if I truly wanted a family. We started to really have more issues when I purchased a duplex (This was my idea of how we can create more income and could capitalize on this when we move out into a SFH). It is a very nice duplex. We lived in one side and rented out the other. She was happy for a year or so but then began to push for a SFH (I could not afford at the time). I needed another 3 years to get to where I needed to be for a nice SFH (by my projections). Arguments started to become very frequent and neither of us felt heard. She developed an emotional affair with a past classmate that worked in the same building with her in the city. She was studying to be a financial advisor. She ended up getting let go from that job after failing the CFA test twice (failed by 1 point on the second try). I was disappointed in her because I didn’t think she worked hard enough. This disappointment, the emotional affair, the arguing, and financial stress took a toll and she eventually went out of our relationship sexually with someone else (not the emotional affair person)(April 2023). She claims she felt very trapped and wanted a way out. I left the next week, filed for divorce thereafter, moved out of state to explore a work opportunity during the divorce.
Divorce finance details:
She remained in the home while I paid the mortgage (1years time). At the time she had a large amount of credit card debt ($20k) She has been unemployed since she was let go from the finance job (December 2022) and has had much difficulty finding a job. She also made an incredibly irresponsible move of selling the car she had that we paid off together. She essentially blew her half of the cash. the value of the car was split evenly amongst us the same as everything else we owned and liabilities. During the divorce I paid her ~$8k cash, I took her student loans (~$18k), I am giving her half of my 401k (half of $80k) she kept the ring (I didn’t include in assets because I felt bad and bc I think woman is supposed to keep the ring anyhow?) and she kept all of the furniture. The reason I took her student loans is because she is a DACA recipient and can’t get federal loans, so I was originally a cosponsor. The only way for me to get my name off the loans was to take them on or her refinance. I took the loans. I didn’t take any of her credit card debt but I had ~$10k in cc debt myself due to moving out of the house paying for an apartment and continuing to pay the mortgage. I took over the home as part of the split. She was required to move out Feb 1, 2024. She did not file for alimony.
Current Salary:
My current salary is $125k with annual $5k bonus. She is currently unemployed but made $70k salary at the job that laid her off.
Current Situation:
It has been 1 year since I walked out. I am stable financially, but fairly tight for next two years (I had to take out $20k personal loan for replacing sewer line in duplex.).
Essentially I have $1600 monthly outside of bills that I spend on food and paying down CC.
My assignment out of state finished. I move into the duplex after she moved out. She is living in her parents home but they are supposedly charging her rent. The home is in the country far ~1H from a decent finance job. She has no car, but borrows her parents’ car when possible. She is still in ~$25k credit card debt,with no personal car and still unemployed. She had a letter show up in the mail two weeks ago and I called her about it on if she wanted me to open it since she is so far away. She said sure not knowing what it was, but it turned out to be a consolidation loan rejection letter. In it I could see her credit score went down to 460. It used to be ~740 with no late payments. The 401k split is still in legal and probably another 2months out from getting completed.
She has been adamantly regretful about the divorce and wants to be with me but I do not want to get back together. She has had many sexual relations since we separated. I do not know all of the reasons. I have had a couple myself and one decent relationship that failed. I want to move on. I love her as a person but I don’t have a romantic interest for her. I do feel very overwhelmed to see a person that I loved for many years dealing with the hardship she is going through and part of me wants to help. Selfishly because I feel like I have more opportunity than her and the divorce happened at a terrible time in regard to her employment. I also do not want to be used. Should I help with finances until the 401k split is complete? I do not want to look back and feel that I just let her drown in an ocean as she begged me to help her. Arguably helping her would put me in more debt unless I become very strict on groceries.
Finally I ask that before you reply you put yourself in my shoes. Assume it were your wife or husband that you stare into the eyes of at night.
Should I (29M) Help My ex-Wife(28F) Financially?