I(30M) feel insecure because my wife (30F) doesn’t like to share her kinks with me, no matter how much I ask.
Hey guys, I’ve tried to type out something twice now, but the posts usually get too long and I wind up not posting. It has calmed me down a bit just typing my thoughts out, but this problem has still been nagging at me so i’m just going to go ahead.
My wife, (i’ll call her Sophie) and I have been through a lot. We’ve been together 10 years and are reaching the beginning of our 30s, helped each other through some hard times early on, and we have had our fights. Each year we get a little better, and this has probably been our best one yet.
Early on when we were dating, I was eager to please my wife intimately. One day I was trying my hand at dirty talk, and I called her a slut in the heat of the moment. She very quickly let me know that she was not a fan of being called anything degrading. I apologized and made sure not to do that anymore. I tried to do a lot of other things as well to spice things up; I purchased toys, blindfolds, soft binds to tie her hands up, etc. Most of them fell flat, aside from just the vibrators, which she already used before we were dating.
This was all within the first year. We started to hit a bit of a dry spell when we moved in together, some of it being because she was sad that we moved far away from her family and friends. It bothered me less, since I was used to being away from family, but it hit her like a ton of bricks. I complained, but she just was not interested in sex all that much. We did it maybe once or twice a month, and always at her request, never mine. We started only doing it in the dark as well. It really hurt my self esteem, but she would tell me that she keeps the lights off because she was self-conscious about her body. I wasn’t very convinced. She also told me to keep my shirt on at times, and her preference for doggy style suddenly also had me feeling some type of way due to all of the other factors. I’m not fat or anything, I am mostly slim but it’s not like I have a six pack or crazy muscles. I do watch my weight, and I go to the gym every once in a while just to make sure I can maintain a standard.
I resorted to masturbating more with porn since we didn’t do it much anymore, which she didn’t like. I told her that I needed to blow off steam somehow though, so I wouldn’t be stopping. She only had a problem with this once she eventually stumbled into me doing it in the bathroom.
Anyway, this problem continued for a long time. She just wasn’t interested in sex. I also started losing interest in it, as it was always under her terms, and she never showed any interest in spicing things up either. I constantly asked, and she just didn’t really want to talk about sex.
8 years go by like this and she develops some really bad migraines that were tied to her birth control. Eventually she decides that she wants to quit birth control, and her libido did go up considerably. Things were a little bit better, but we still had some issues since things were awkward due to how things have been for so long. Slowly, but gradually, we do improve, though.
Just last year, we moved back to her home state, and things got a lot better. My job is paying well, and things are all around great. Just moving here vastly improved her mood and we were much more intimate and happy. My wife also got approved to use Isotretinoin, a medicine that clears up acne. The doctor prescribing it demanded that she needs to use birth control AND use condoms in order to take it though, since the medicine is known to cause birth defects. Since Sophie has had a bad history with birth control, there was no way I would have her go back to using it. The acne was part of why she was self-conscious, so I encouraged her to take the medicine and we would just not have sex until the 6 month treatment was over. No problems.
Things were fine for 3 months, we just didn’t have any sex like before, and went about our lives.
That is until recently, when I caught a glimpse of her looking at a patreon page. Curious, I asked what it was. She didn’t really want to share it with me, so I remembered the name and looked it up myself.
It was of a man who posts sexual audios of himself, like ASMRs where you can close your eyes and pretend they’re talking to you or something.
I had a mini panic-attack when I first saw the page. I don’t really have a problem with porn persay, but knowing that she was a paying subscriber just stung me a bit.
I tried to get over it and thought maybe I could incorporate this into spicing our sex life up. I mentioned that I know what she’s been doing in her private time and asked her if we could listen to it together, because I wanted to see what kind of things she liked to hear, and that it might be fun to explore ideas. Sophie didn’t bite, and said I was weird for trying to bring it up. I decided to let it go.
Well, my curiosity got the better of me, and one night I listened to it by myself. He was using degrading words like slut, and fucktoy. This drove my insecurities over the roof, since Sophie explicitly told me that she didn’t like this.
I brought it up to her, and I pretty much just said that it hurt a lot that I knew she was listening to these things, and excluding me. She said that it was the same as porn, but my argument was that this was more personal. I don’t subscribe to specific pornstars or anything, and I certainly wasn’t hiding any fantasies from her. I just didn’t and still don’t really understand. This whole thing just makes me feel like she isn’t really attracted to me.
I wanted to try and work this out through being intimate, but since she is doing this treatment where we aren’t having sex until it’s over, she doesn’t want to do anything risky that would make us want to have sex, not even foreplay or anything that’s not PIV.
I know I’m probably overreacting, but, am I overreacting? Are there some of you out there who don’t share some of your sexual fantasies with your significant other?
TL;DR
-Been together with wife for 10 years
-First year together she said she didn’t like dirty talk where she was called degraded things like slut, etc. Also changes to only wanting to have sex with the lights off after a while.
-She doesn’t like to talk about sex life, we have problems with intimacy for a long time.
-8 years in we discover her sex drive was lowered due to birth control. Things improved.
-Recently discovered she subscribes to a patreon where a guy posts degrading ASMRs where he insults women, calling them sluts etc.