Adult men of Reddit, how do I change?

12 comments

1. Confronting yourself is a step in the right direction. Usually the next step is sitting down and reflecting on what changes makes sense to turn it around but given you don’t understand your own mental, I’m inclined to suggest psychoanalysis therapy I believe it’s called? It will help you understand yourself first and where your mental is coming from and that should help you then make the changes needed. Because you can’t change if you don’t understand why you do or think the way you do.

2. How early are you having sex in these relationships? I’m assuming when the relationship requires more from you (ie committment) is when you bail?

3. You are 17, none of these relationships will be serious. You still have plenty of growing and maturing to do. Focus more on your education and social life and a relationship will naturally find you as you mature.

4. I realize this won’t be immediately helpful but you just need to grow up – quite literally. You’re 17 and your brain isn’t a full human brain yet, to say nothing of the fact that you just lack life experience.

   Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of people don’t “get their shit together” until they are in their 20s or 30s. I’ll be 40 next year and I really didn’t have my shit together until I was 32 – but now I’m happily married, with a good job, own a home, etc.

   I really think we’re in an era of instant gratification and people simply don’t realize that sometimes things take time – months, years, or even decades.

5. Dude, not wanting a serious relationship isn’t a big deal at 17.

   Don’t be a scumbag about it. End things honestly and compassionately. And make sure you’re learning what you do and don’t want over time so you don’t repeat the same mistakes. You’ll learn over time what you want long term, whether it’s a relationship or not, but you can only do that through experience.

6. Regardless of how appealing the next “chase” is, you can still choose not to act on that impulse. Granted, you’re 17 and a lot of what you describe is pretty normal, developmentally speaking.

   Just practice taking a moment after your base reaction to something (like say, a hot girl) to ask yourself what you actually want to do with that information (whether it’s “ooh, I think that person is hot” or something else) rather than immediately acting on it.

7. Don’t change until your junior year at university.

8. Two things:

   First, you’re 17. It’s not a big deal right now. ACTUALLY it may be good because part of maintaining a long, good relationship is understanding who you are and what you like — so dating lots of different people will help with that.

   Second, just understanding you want to evolve puts you on a good path. You change as you mature (if you allow yourself to). You don’t stay the same as long as you recognize things within yourself you want to change.

9. When I was your age I was very similar. Probably has a lot to do with not fully knowing what you want. Plus you not fully being able to realize what they want. You will age and change. By 26 I was ready to settle down with the right woman. I found that at 27 and married her 31 years ago. Try to realize what you want in you and a partner. Communicate that. Best way that will get you into a long term relationship.

10. Could be self-esteem issues. Do you worry that the girl might decide you’re not actually good enough for her?

11. Get a therapist and work through this. You need to find out why you need to constantly feel validated by being “chosen” by new women. As Dennis says in Alway Sunny, you need to fill your god hole with something meaningful. This ain’t it.

12. Even if you become the most mature 17 year old, the odds that a girl around your age will have the same mindset and commitment is almost zero. At your age, girls are usually “exploring”. 

    Wait till you turn 25 before thinking about having a serious relationship. Any marriage before that age will likely result in a divorce.