*I have posted this in another group*
My boyfriend is (28M) and I am (27F) and we have been in a relationship for almost 2 years. I have a physio job and he has a good tech job that is contracted. We earn pretty well and we live together in a house. My issue is a nagging feeling that I was not able to shake for several months maybe even a year into our relationship. I realised he is not ambitious as myself. He is kind, sweet, loving. I can’t say enough about him however, I know that what his actions show are not what I want in my future partner.
I work as a physio but I have a start up and hoping it does really well this year. Aside from that I love doing activities like hiking, going to concerts (orchestra, mainstream artists), working out at the gym, having intellectual deep conversations about the world about goals and the future. As for him, he will tell me verbally he loves doing the same things as myself. But his actions are he likes to play video games, smoke weed guilt free as much as he can, and cleaning. When we first met, (which in hindsight was a mistake), I told him all the things I loved to do and he said he loved the same as well. Which, he was not being honest. I feel like I don’t know him because my mind tells me who he says he is but my eyes show me something else.
He doesn’t initiate much in our relationship that I find valuable such as making a dinner reservation, planning travels (itinerary), wanting to grow his business he wanted to start after I have asked him what does he want to do with his life overall. When I look back, it’s me making majority of suggestions in our relationship and he just agrees. I feel like sometimes in our relationship he does not think for himself he just mirrors what I do. He is completely supportive in what I do. I’m finishing my doctorate and my start up has built traction. The only issue is that I am worried he is happy being in his contracted role. Prior to working in tech he worked in a soul sucking job basically sales. I helped him find certifications in certain tech sectors so he can get a better job. I redid his resume, I had his linkedin password to message recruiters on his behalf becasue he did not have the drive to message people back or remember interviews he agreed to.
I would be on the phone with him or text him about his online interviews etc.. we got into a lot of arguments during this period. When he got his tech job, he seemed very motivated and said he wanted to climb the latter. This gave me relief and happiness as I want him to reach his full potential. Fast forward a year later, he is in the same position. It is not a bad thing but the job is contracted so they renew his contract maybe every 6 months. His job has laid off people. It scared me because he is content with a contracted job that has no security. He has no back up plan if God forbid his contract runs out. I always bring up what plan he has or back up plan or I ask him if still has a passion to start a business. Whenever I ask him this, he starts getting “motivated” for an hour and starts telling me about what he wants to do and then the motivation dies down again. He gets tired of me nagging and I get tired of doing the nagging.
One day he said he wanted to start this business and I was all up for it. I did his website, email, designed the logo and came up with the name. All he had to do now was build his clientele. I would ask him from time to time, how is your business going and he would make the excuse “Ive emailed and no ones emailed me back” as he’s on youtube or playing video games. Sometimes he’ll use the excuse that he’s working his job and doesn’t have time to do extra for his business. Mind you, he works from home for his 9-5 job. But anyway, I said “if they don’t email you back, do you think it’s a good idea to call them instead?” and he said “thats a good idea”. I was so annoyed and thought I cant think for him all the time. It seemed he wanted a business because I have one which nothing is wrong with that, but take it serious because I spent a lot of my time helping you build it and you’re not evening pulling your weight.
Several weeks ago I suggested for us to break up because we’re not compatible and I did not want both of us to be miserable especially when I ask a lot from him and we’re close to 30. He declined and said we can work it out and said he was stressed because of a lot of things (like and stressed out about the dog we have that he got despite me telling me not to get a dog because of too much responsibility. Everyday I feel like I am suffocated to some capacity. I love him dearly but I do think about breaking up with him a lot. I know he would be happy if I accepted him the way he is instead of him having to pretend to be the man I want. I can see right through him. He will say he wants those things but the truth is he doesn’t want those things (nothing wrong with that). I prefer to have a partner who likes to work out at the gym, initiates, has a drive or an interest that is clear, and conversations that are not superficial like talking about tv shows or social media content as 90% of our discussion topics.
Don’t get me wrong from the first time we dated to now, he has made strides in his life tremendously, but it is not enough for me because I nagged him into it which he tells me how grateful he is for me. He helps me also. He pays things for me and supports me with my projects etc.. I pay things for him too and help with his projects. I wish I had a partner that I can look at and be motivated by. I am self motivated but it would be nice to learn something (significant to me) like work related or life related. It seems he is learning a lot from me which I love that but I would like that feeling too. The thought of marrying him and having his kids terrifies me because I do not have trust he will lead and initiate success for our family. It will be on my shoulders because I am the go getter.
*TL;DR*
Weekly, I get randomly annoyed with him whenever I see the activities he’d rather be doing that doesnt contribute to what he says his “true” passion is. He’ll play video games for hours and tell me how he doesnt have time for his business or getting extra certs to get a secured job. When I get annoyed it kills both our moods. Especially because I cant tell him Im annoyed with him doing what he actually loves.
I hate this feeling but wanted to know if anyone else had the same or any advice for me.
Am I being too harsh/selfish and how?