How do I survive an affection-less marriage?
I (36F) have been married to my husband (34M) for 9 nears. We dated for a wonderful year before we got married. Shortly after our wedding, it was like a light switched turned off in him, and he changed.
When we dated, we were poor college students. But we made sure to have two purposeful dates every week, even if it required no money, and went for a walk together every night. This did not include the walk we would take before that when we would pick me up from my job and walk me home because he didn’t like me walking in the dark. He spoiled me as much as he could even though I would tell him not to (cute Ross dresses, Macy Jewlery, Payless shoes, etc). He made such an effort. We were affectionate, had a lot of non sexual intimacies and I felt beautiful all the time. We went exploring everywhere on public transport. We had so much fun together.
But right after we got married it all still stopped. No walks, no dates, and as we began our physical intimacy together, he was a selfish lover. I was… not finished… in many instances. I also told him before we got married that I wanted to wait until a year when we graduated college to have a baby. I think the first red flag I noticed (and disregarded) was while we were having sex, he said he was gonna make sure he got me pregnant. It felt like it was just “kink talk “ then but now… I should have recognized that he didn’t respect my wishes to hold off on the baby.
I got pregnant right away after the wedding. While pregnant, I had to deal with not only the changes to my body, but to his sudden disinterest in me. He told me he couldn’t deal with my mood swings. Years later, I realize that I never had mood swings – he would say that to me when I would tell him I was sad we stopped dating, we stopped taking walks, he stopped walking with me from work, we even stopped our hugs, and we stopped cuddling in bed. He said that it was because my temperature was too high in pregnancy.
I let it all go because I felt sorry for him having to deal with “my changes”. Plus, even if he wasn’t affectionate to me anymore he was more than helpful around the home – I never touched laundry or food. I was very grateful to him. I just missed the connection.
Fast forward, we had our baby, we graduated, and I became a stay at home mom after graduation while we started working. We began fighting because I missed out old habits – the dates, the affection, the quality time spend together – and even though he was making more money now – he stopped spoiling me. I didn’t mind, it was just jarring to see how different he was. I didn’t mind the loss of material, I missed the guy the fell in love with. The longer we were married the more it became apparent that we probably waited until marriage to have sex not because he respected me (or largely he did) but it was obvious that our sex life was… quick and lacking. I was left hanging. and when I would try to ask him to do things that might help me he got frustrated and embarrassed and then would refuse to sleep in the same room as me. I was feeling lonely, isolated since all my friends graduated and moved, and overwhelmed as a new mother.
I became pregnant soon after. I was terrified because even though I was happy, I was worried about another baby coming into our situation. But I miscarried. I thought my stress and worries killed my baby. I feel into a deep depression. It was after this period that my husband started dating me again. He felt so sorry and bad. We dated and hung out and he helped with our firstborn more. I found a therapist and started getting help. I was in therapy for a year and to be honest, most of my memory of that year is in a hazy black. My baby wa the only light, as she was such a sweet child. My husband was helpful around the house and with baby, but he was always afraid to touch me after that. He continued to sleep away from me ( couch, other room, etc).
Fast forward another year and I was getting out of therapy. I was working part time. And the dates stopped. Whenever he had free time he spent it in the toilet, anywhere from 45 mins to over an hour. We started fighting because I told him we didn’t do anything to bond. He said he was tired. Whenever I cried and said I still felt sad over my misscarriage, he would give me a deer in head lights look. He said he didn’t know how to comfort me. Said I was too emotional. Said I got angry all the time. It was too hard to talk to me. I felt bad he had to deal with me. Around this time, a coworker of his lost her mom. He was texting her and comforting her. I didn’t mind, I only saw the messages because I went on his phone to message some photos from him to mine when I saw it. I didn’t say anything. What bothered me was later that day I realize I forgot a photo to send, and when I went back to send it, I saw he had deleted all the messages with her. When confronted, he said he was trying to be respectful of me but also just wanted to check in on her like the rest of their team. I let it go but it hurt me deeply.
Fast forward a few more years and the fights become more frequent. It is always about the same thing – we don’t do anything to build our bond. I miss our dating. He says he shows me he loves me by being a good dad, by being very helpful with household chores. I told him I appreciate it but I miss the foundation we started on. He says I am just looking for something to fight about and that we’ve been married along time and I need to stop causing a problem out of nothing.
Last year I told him, I love him, but we’re basically friendly roommates at this point who have sex when convenient. Speaking of the sex, I’ve had to do a lot of teaching and cajoling to tell him that him being mindful of my pleasure was beneficial to both of us. Sometimes I resent that I’ve had to teach him to love me, but at least the sex is ten times better now and least he was willing to learn. Anyway, I told him that we have no hobbies together, we’ve never been in cation together, and any date we’ve been on in forever, I’ve initiated it. He says that I’m being unfair because he never misses an anniversary or birthday. Again, I am grateful for those things but I want a stronger bond. He once again says I’m just fighting for no reason.
I feel crazy to say but though he is a good dad, a good man, I feel like I’m not asking for much. And yet, I’m being told I’m too much, for years. He says we’re fine so why do I feel like there is literally no companionship affection between us? I feel so intimacy starved as well as affection starved. Is this all in my head? Am I really being ungrateful? Or is there truly a lack of affection in our marriage and how do I survive this?
*TLDR* I married an affection guy who switched up after we got married. Is it all in my head or is he really not affectionate, and how do I survive it?