TR- mention of ab*se / r***
So my boyfriend (25m) and I (22f) have been together for about 3ish years. We broke up for about 6 months last year due to him having really bad mental health and wanting to recoup alone and not put me in the crossfire (his words not mine). Before we broke up there were times where he was ignoring me out of nowhere, rarely complimented me and overall seemed uninterested in our relationship.
We got back together 4 months ago, after he reached out and said he had completely changed and healed and wanted me back. I spoke with him and we hung out a few times for me to sus out if he was serious or not and I totally believed him. It was like a 180 of behaviour and an entirely new person. We started always holding hands, deeps talks, he’s cooking for me, bringing me lunch to work, surprise dates and gifts- the works. He was extremely vulnerable and always telling me how much he missed me and wanted to be with me. I was so happy and felt like he had finally understood what I had been asking of him for a long time. During this time I was also very clear that I needed him to treat me better on this second time around or I would not be giving this relationship a second chance. He agreed and we got back together.
Fast forward to now. He just moved into his first apartment alone 3 weeks ago. (I still live at home with my parents) He has no family help so I’ve been helping him set up and go shopping and stuff on the weekends.
About 2 weeks ago my mom begins having a manic depressive episode (not the first time) I’m the one taking care of her, taking her to the doctor, therapy and keeping an eye on her at home (she tends to be violent) I’m also a full time college student and work 4 days a week. I’m not going to my classes now (following online) and only working overnight shifts to be able to stay home more with my mom. My boyfriend works a 9-5.
Anyways Wednesday: I’m feeling upset about my family situation and want to see my bf so I ask him to come over at about 6pm. He says okay but he has to see his friend later on tonight too. I say okay because I’m fine with it. He comes over and we hangout for about 30mins but I start to get really overwhelmed as I’m explaining to him what’s been going on with my Mom and I start to cry. I ask him if he can see his friend another night because I need him right now. (I’ve never asked him to cancel on his friends before) he says “NO you knew I had to go see him and now you’re trying to manipulate me by crying”. We fight and he leaves to go see his friend.
Saturday: Saturdays my bf and I always spend the day together and try to make the most of it as it’s both of our days off. Me and my boyfriend are at breakfast close to my house when I get a call from my brother (also 25m) telling me to come home immediately and that he thinks he should call 911 because my Mom is asking him for knives. My boyfriend and I race home only to find out that my brother only called me because he didn’t want to stay at home and be with my mom but wanted to go out instead, so wanted me to take over. I had been caring for her by myself for 2 weeks while he wasn’t there at all so I was upset at him for not being able to give me a break.
This is where my bf starts to lose it on me. He says that I’m treating my Mom like a chore and that I should be able to take care of her without complaining . He says that he has really bad pollen allergies right now and that he can’t trust me now to take care of him if I can’t even take care of my own Mom. I tell him that I’ve been with her for the last 2 weeks giving her care and I need a break today because its taking a strain on my mental health. He scoffs and says “What do YOU have to be depressed about you’re fine” I tell him I want to leave now and he refuses- saying that he now needs a nap because his allergies are getting so bad and I’m being inconsiderate. I say “How did this situation become about you?” He goes into my bedroom and starts to sleep as I beg him to let us leave (he drove) as I’m getting really upset being kept at home with my mom when I really needed a break. (for context my Mom was fixated on yelling at me about my r*pists and going into detail of what they did to me and how she was going to k*ll them. Basically terrorizing me by making me relive the details. My bf was aware of this) My boyfriend proceeded to have a nap for 2 hours while I begged him to let us leave. Afterwards we leave my house and I try to forgive him because I didn’t want to ruin the weekend.
Sunday: He’s still upset at me for “treating my mom like a chore and “making fun of his allergies” so we barely speak all day as I don’t have the energy to fight. I go to work later on.
Today I ask if he wants to hangout after work because I felt like we should talk and he says “no my allergies are bad” .
Overall he’s been very dry and cold with me all week but especially now since we’re barely speaking and I’m just burnt out to have anymore fights with him when I feel like he always try’s to make me the bad guy. Maybe I am Idk that’s what this post is for I guess . My main question is should I give him another chance to explain why he’s been acting this way or should I just end this cold turkey. We’ve been together a long time I don’t want to feel like a doormat again . Any advice is helpful
TL;DR : My (22f) bf (25m) is randomly cold and hurtful towards me and is using the excuse of his allergies. I’m nearing the end of my rope and wondering what to do