So bit of context, the last couple of years myself and my fiancee have had a bit of a tough time which has resulted in her putting on a bit of weight. She wasn’t “skinny” when we got together just perfectly plump lol. However now she is putting more and more weight on and becoming lazier. It’s not solely about the visual aspect because I love her unequivocally. But she is out of breath or needs to take rest when doing the simplest of things like going walks. There is also a non-important operation needed that will only happen when she loses weight, however this doesn’t seem to give the motivation needed. I am always mentioning working out etc but it doesn’t lead to anything. We also eat healthy for a few days then it’s takeaways, very often me not getting anything and im very conscious about what im eating and just her getting something.
(P.s this is not me hating on her because I love her a lot, we are due married in a couple of years)
31 comments
Just say hey fattie lose 20 or I’m out.
Start working out yourself, taking a long walk every day is a good start as well, and then ask if she would join you.
Start doing it together man. Use it as quality time. Go on hikes, take her to out to eat, but choose healthy options, do activities that involve moving. Once she sees that she has a consistent support system in you, hopefully it will make her want it for herself. The biggest problem with having to lose a substantial amount of weight is you feel like there’s no way you can do it by yourself, so until that person can suck it up and start or they have somebody to help them, they tend to do nothing.
There’s only 3 reasons why people don’t do things. They’re too scared to do it. It’s too difficult. Or they just don’t care.
So if you want your partner to change behaviour, make it feel safe and fun, make it easy to do, and create a compelling reason for them to do it (compelling for her, not you).
If the takeaways are the main aspect that’s worrying you, have you tried going down the money route? Save for a special holiday or something for the house, and mention how much you can save a week/month by just cutting down on eating out. A holiday might also encourage her to cut down, a goal of buying herself nice new summer clothes in a smaller size can work wonders
Usually there’s some kind of underlying issue which causes people to eat more. Like financial worries, family problems or something like that. You feel stressed and out of control so you pile on the weight. Time to sit down and have a real talk, ask her what’s up.
If she’s piling weight on now, she’s gonna go full Tammy Slayton once you tie the knot.
Have to lead her, not push her. Start asking to go on more walks together, and be more active together.
Asking dudes on the internet how to broach a touchy subject with your gf is probably not the best way Tbh.
Is she depressed? It tends to be the way when they can’t get motivated
probably voicing your concern for her health and then joining her on walks and eating new/healthier things.
Bro this matters way more than you’re letting on for fear of being judged as shallow for which you are not. Attraction is the foundation of any relationship and if she’s like actively (pun intended) doing things that are decreasing her level of attractiveness to you then that’s a red flag, in this case her continuously getting fatter and fatter. It’s not gonna work long term if you’re not attracted to each other, it doesn’t matter how much you say you love her. I would also see it as a lack of respect if I was constantly working on my own self and they were constantly letting themselves fall into disarray
If she enjoys walks, take her on mild hikes as dates, amazing exercise
This is something me and my fiancée started working in together about 18 months ago. DM my and I’ll happily discuss further how we went about it, and stuck to it.
Being the fat chick – I just want to say that I appreciate that you want to help her – its hard. I recently got told that it was lose weight or the health system would not be able to assist with Gall stones. Previously I have been apathetic about my weight. My Hubs doesn’t care he still loves me and will do anything for me. That being said – neither of us has the will power. So the rule is now – if it could kill me – neither of us have it.
Things that have helped:
1. Fruit in the morning – with a full beer mug of water. ( kills the cravings.)
2. Every time I blink I am given more water, its impossible to feel hungry if you are nearly drowning :).
3. Walking everywhere – the car is for distances of greater than 3km. Even if its a slow walk its better than no walk.
4. We only buy fresh. (yes every now and then we buy fresh chocolate but we pick ourselves up and keep to the fresh veg and meat)
5. Redbush tea – with lemon and mint will kill almost any sweet craving for me – its become my go to. I limit other drinks to 2 a day.
6. NO ANIMAL fat what so ever. (It can literally Kill me ) but also its the worst for fat storage.
Show her this – As a woman who gave 2 fucks about how she looked thanks to traumatic life events – the lazy and apathetic has been scared out of me – I want to live – I want to succeed and I do not want to die alone on a hospital bed because they could not operate to save my life. NO ONE EVER SAID THAT TO ME. respect to the doc who had the balls to say it nicely but firmly.
Maybe the focus isn’t the weight, but what she is going through mentally?
She might already feel bad about putting on weight (as most women do) therefor is less motivated to want to loose weight. It’s catch 22 really.
Definitely don’t pressure her to exercise or eat healthier as from personal experience, it just further deepens the shame and will probably make her feel resentment towards you.
Honestly, I’d recommend a drs appt, and maybe encourage some therapy if she is going through a tough time.
Don’t expect you’ll be able to change her habits. Be realistic. The issues you have now with your fiancée will be the same issues in marriage. That’s life. Take it or leave it.
If someone doesn’t want to change, there is *nothing* you can do to make them want to. At least nothing… ethical.
Your best bet is probably to just get in fantastic shape yourself. She will start to get jealous and insecure that you are going to cheat/leave her. That is motivation that she can use.
But OP, I don’t think you are being honest with yourself, or her. You are trying so hard to be a great guy, that you’re lying to yourself and denying your own instincts. Adults in LTR need to have honest, adult conversations about the conditions of their staying together. Her spiraling into obesity is a perfectly reasonable condition, as you wracking up a ton of gambling debt or becoming an alcoholic would be.
It’s honestly quite selfish of her. Both parties in a LTR have an obligation to each other to keep themselves desirable to their partner. Tons of people, men and women both, let themselves go once they think “oh good, now I have one that won’t ever leave.”
She’s your fiancé?
If she’s not willing to lose weight for her wedding, she never will.
She won’t lose weight for an operation?
She never will.
Call her out on the snacks and soda; keep that junk out of your house.
Track your exercise. 20 minutes a day, how many miles you walked/biked. Put it right on the fridge.
If you’re in half-decent shape, and she won’t even try, it’ll ruin your marriage.
There will come a point where you’re embarrassed to be in public with her, and that’s a terrible, depressing place to be.
Good luck bro.
You don’t tell her.
You tell you that YOU wanna do those things and invite her along because “it’d be better with a workout buddy!”
I mean geez… Is this your first time manipulating people? Amateur hour over here.
Unfortunately she’ll really only start taking it seriously when she* wants to. It might take her a while longer till she sees how the weight is impacting her. Start slowly introducing little things that will help her be more active. Ask her to go for a walk with you now that summer is coming. Make it a nightly routine after dinner. As for the takeaways, tell her you want to start spending less money on eating out and making more food at home. Don’t make it about *her*.
Just letting you know “fiancée” refers to women while “fiancé” refers to men. It’s a common mistake, but it could mean a lot in some contexts.
You can’t do anything. She either has to want it for herself or she won’t do it.
Lead by example. You go on walks and eat healthy for a month and see what she does.
Yes exercise is good but you can’t outrun or exercise away a poor diet. If you have the money try a service like Blue Apron, Home Chef, Dinnerly. You can make the meals together. These aren’t necessarily low calorie meals but they will be healthier than takeout and you can always choose meals that are lower in calories vs the high calorie ones. Focus on eating healthy together and doing physical activity like walking and hiking together. Honestly, the problem will only get worse if you don’t tackle it now. Year after year it will be 5 to 10 pounds extra and then before you realize it you can’t even bend over to tie your shoe. I’m glad you love her unconditionally. Take the lead and hopefully she will follow.
I told my girlfriend physicality matters to me as it plays a sizable role in my physical attraction. I made sure to clarify it’s not about age or pregnancy weight, as those are natural, but rather fitness-related. I keep myself fit and look for that in a partner. Just be straight. Of course, it might be a bit late for you to change gears now, but if you guys ever break up, maybe next time be a straighter shooter.
Tell her that you’ve been considering getting a gym membership and ask if she’d be your gym buddy. That way there isn’t direct pressure, and even if she says no initially, you can slowly get healthier and eat better yourself. That typically gets people that care about you interested, and slowly get her coming with you a few times a week and maybe eating out for healthier options more often when you do order out. Bringing a healthy lifestyle home in yourself might do wonders to motivate her.
But honestly I’ve found most couples enjoy doing things together anyway. So going to the gym and having breakfast together fall right into that.
Leave the “lose weight” comment out all together..Don’t even think about it..just change your lifestyle and ask her to join you
I’m sure this has already been mentioned but I haven’t had a chance to read so many replies. I’m somebody who has lost some weight but I can tell you that it’s very difficult to do alone. You have to do it as a team even if you yourself don’t need to lose anything. The worst would be to expect her eat a salad while you eat a pizza. Not saying you do that, but that’s an example. Also as somebody who’s quite active, I can tell you that I’d rather go to the dentist than go to the gym! You seriously have to find an Activity that is fun but also burns calories. For me, it was mountain biking. Most people agree that riding a bike is fun so that’s a really good introduction to exercise.
Start cooking healthy meals together
I’ve been there. Sadly you have to get out. It will only get worse. She will get bigger and bigger and bigger and still expect you to be attracted to her. Get out now while you have a chance.
I don’t know what more you can do, honestly. She has to want to do it for herself, and it doesn’t sounds like she wants to.