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Argument between 2 co-workers:
1: “You’re trying to make me look bad”
2: “You don’t need my help”
Back in elementary school this girl Megan was known for treating people like shit. One day she asks how you spell “hideous” and a boy replies “M E G A N.” Even the teacher laughed. The girl walked out of the room, it was brutal.
“I know you are but what am i??”
Something from here [http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html](http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html) lol
When someone insults me, I like to be insulted in a witty manner and not the usual self-projections that people often revert to
Well the jerk store called, and they’re running out of you!
Haha, reminds me a of a friend in High School, Someone called him a dickhead so he rubbed both sides of his head and spit on them.
In line at a club some bald guy with drawn on eyesbrows says to my friend, “where’d you get that outfit? Urban outfitters?” Without missing a beat my friens goes, “whered you get those eyebrows? Crayola?”
Some lady told Winston Churchill “if you were my husband I would put cyanide in your coffee”, to which he replied “if you were my wife I’d drink it.”
“You’ve got a problem for every solution”
Or
“You know nothing. If you knew you knew nothing, that at least would be something”
I had a homeless guy be an absolute prick to me in front of my little nephew on the street, so I told him to keep his mouth shut and he said “What are you doing about it bitch, hit me?” And I said “There’s nothing I can do to you that you haven’t already done yourself, your life’s a fucking mess” he walked off.
“You clown”
“Well if I’m a clown your the rest of the circus”
I had a bisexual friend who told some ass hat at a bar that he had been with better women than he’d ever have and better men than he’d ever be….. it was brutal
Teacher to a parent: parent, it’s a noun and a verb.
The Sopranos,
Paulie, “You’re late!”
Ralphie, “Yeah, but tomorrow I could be on time, you’ll be stupid forever.”
2 colleagues were constantly getting at each other and the manager had enough and read them the riot act, ended by telling them to give each other a compliment then move on.
The woman said “Sometimes you can be quite witty”
The bloke said “I admire your moustache”
When some rando decided he was gonna start roasting me at a party, and said something about me having a sock in my pants.
I laughed and said “that ain’t no sock, patrón.”, looked at his girlfriend and said “tell him darlin.”, then at his sister and said “you too. Tell him”
High school boy and girl was talking. I guess he really wanted her to shut up cz he said “the only thing I’m interested in being right now is being deaf.”
Her ex boyfriend: How do you like that beat up pussy?
Me: Oh I go way past the beat up part and give the rest of it some much needed attention.
If someone ever calls you a mother fucker just simply respond with “yeah, and guess who’s mom is next?”
Just be prepared for the hands after.
I am female and hope you don’t mind i am answering.
I was at a pizza place at bar listening to these Amtrak workers and it was very interesting. And I said something like “That is really fucking cool”, because it was.
Well this jerk dude on the other side of me said, “I don’t find women attractive who curse.”
Mind you, we are at a bar…and I didn’t say it loudly, plus I had my back to him, facing the Amtrak workers.
I turned to him and said, “Well, you are never going to get your dick sucked with THAT attitude.”
His jaw hit the floor. I don’t know, sometimes things just slip out of my mouth, but I do believe the odds are with my reasoning.
Some girl at school some said to an overweight boy that was out of breath from going up the stairs, ‘you’re unfit aren’t you?’
He simply replied, ‘I’d like to see your nan try.’
Her nan had recently passed away.
Bully: “hey f*ggot”.
Me: (quiet)
Bully: “seems you don’t have a sassy comeback for that”.
Me: ” it is in your dad’s butthole”
I’m a tall guy. Rolled into a crowded night club with my equally tall friend. Up to the bar to order drinks. Drunk guy to my right turns to us and says “Whoa hey how’s the weather up there?” Without thinking I say “Pretty good. How’s my ass smell from down there?” Tall friend laughs uncontrollably and loudly. Drunk guy gets mad and says “Like penis.” I start laughing at the awesome comeback. Go to offer to buy him a beer but he storms off.
One of my coworkers who wore glasses was being naive about her husband. My other coworker goes open your eyes Mary, you got 4 of them.
I saw it from the rare insults subreddit, it was a screenshot from Valorant in which the guy says
“I hope your grandma gets bullied at bingo night”
I once saw an old woman on a train call two gay guys kissing an abomination.
A drunk guy a little ways down the train immediately said ‘your hairstyle is an abomination, but you don’t see them pointing that out’.
Was great fun.
“Kiss my ass!”
“Pull your pants down and move your nose.”
“I hope one day I pull up next to a flaming car wreck and it’s you inside”
Not in real life, but *Mad Men* had just about the best insult I can imagine:
Michael Ginsberg: “I feel bad for you.”
Don Draper: “I don’t think about you at all.”
Not mine unfortunately.
Gamer girl getting trash talked after beating a boy repeatedly –
“I’ll fuck your dad and give him a child he can actually love”
Not insult, but comeback I like:
They: ” you are tall, must be playing basketball?”
Me: “then you must be playing mini golf?”
Shipmate of mine that I hated (and we’ll call A) had his submarine dolphins pinning ceremony on the pier during All Hands Quarters. His wife came; she is a whale of a human with bubblegum for a face and a very nasty personality.
After quarters is over, he goes over to another shipmate (we’ll call P) and said, “hey P, you know you’re the ugliest person onboard the ship?”
Without missing a beat, P says, “second, when your wife is onboard – no wait, I’m still the ugliest because your wife can’t fit through the Weapon Shipping Hatch.”
To this day, I have yet to hear a burn so perfect.
Lol in highschool this guy kept calling me a pussy in class and I said ” I am what I eat”. 😂 never called me a pussy after that.
“What are you looking at?”
My reply: “I’m not quite sure, but it looks like a bitch.”
Okay so as a female (sorry) working in a primarily male dominated industry, I’m used to chaps ringing MY store not wanting to speak to a woman.
” Are any of the boys about ?”
No, I’m sorry, just women, and I don’t think that’s what you’re after.
Petty I know , but it makes me laugh, my store lads laugh and the guy at the end of the phone, go a bit more mannerly .
In 9th grade someone was messing with me at lunch and said i never kissed a girl. I said “yes i have” to which he replies “your mom doesn’t count”, which i then said “no, but yours does”