TL;DR- my boyfriend and I have differing communication styles. I’m trying to meet him where he’s at but it’s becoming more and more frustrating. When we argue, it takes hours to meet a resolution because I feel like I have to pull teeth.
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My boyfriend of two years and I live and own a house together. Most aspects of our relationship are incredible, he’s my best friend in a lot of ways. We’re excited to see each other everyday, enjoy time together, and have a number of shared interests and values.
The only real issue has consistently been communication when it comes to conflict. I am comfortable talking about anything, he however, has had a wall up with regard to vulnerability for almost the entire duration of our relationship. And it’s spurred a number of “discussions”. I won’t call them arguments as we don’t raise our voices, but trying to get him to communicate during conflict is like trying to pull teeth.
For example, last night I was asking a question about golf. He started explaining as aspect I understood, and I went to clarify my confusion. He said “hold on” and continued explaining. I let him finish and explained which parts I understood, clarified my question, and he didn’t know the answer. We finished the show we were watching, but I could tell he was annoyed with me. Maybe the way I said it wasn’t kind, or maybe he thought I was trying to argue. I don’t know.
After the show, I tried to explain my intention wasn’t to start an argument, I just wanted to explain myself better. He said something along the lines of “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Was clearly still annoyed, and began ignoring/avoiding the conversation. I became upset and basically it became an argument.
It’s a good example of the way most of our “discussions” go. I try to talk something out that in my head will take 50 seconds to be on the page about, but it becomes an hour long conversation because he will refuse to entertain it or tell me what he’s thinking.
I’ll ask him to say something, anything, even if he disagrees with me, and he will just say “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
After these, I’ll usually end up apologizing for not letting it go in the first place, but he’ll be withdrawn for days.
In my mind, and in relationships I have with female friends, it brings two people closer to clarify points of stress. Or if my friends snap at me, or I them, it takes a few moments to talk it out and both sides feel better.
I’ve tried affirmations, speaking less, listening more and giving more opportunity to respond. I’ve tried letting things go (which did mean we’ve had way fewer “discussions”), and adjusting to his mood. I’m putting in so much work to meet him where he’s at and I just don’t know what else I can do.
I love him, so much. I want to live a life with him. But I cannot imagine living a life like this forever, where my partner shuts down. He has made progress, I won’t say he hasn’t. But I am constantly feeling like a naggy girlfriend, who’s looking to start arguments, and this absolutely isn’t the case.
Edit: formatting