TL;DR: my partner pushes me to crying when I try to point out a specific behaviour as harmful or hurtful to me, and then has to (by any means necessary) be MORE upset than me when I start crying.
Myself (26F) and my partner (29M)have been together for six years and will regularly get into huge arguments that end up being hours and hours long and often end up with one of us physically hurt. It will start small with me trying to call his attention to a behaviour that I find hurtful and that I’m not ok with and I’d like to change, or even just don’t understand, and would like to talk about. He will say things have happened when they haven’t, turn it around on me, completely deny what I’m saying even though it just happened, or do anything else to get the conversation to stop instead of talking about it with me healthily.
Eventually when this makes me cry because he won’t just hear me and take accountability, or even really discuss my feelings, the despair of trying so hard and feeling like I’m being mentally toyed with takes over and eventually start to cry.
When this happens, it’s game over for him. He will do anything (it seems) to be the MOST upset. If I’m crying silently he’ll ignore it. If l’m upset enough and crying hard enough that God forbid I sniffle or (quietly) allow the sobs to come from my chest (largely because I can’t breathe properly
while trying to suppress the need to sob) or make any kind of sound then he will act like he’s crying and start to talk over my crying, saying things about whatever situation we’re in that just isn’t true. When that doesn’t work because I’m too upset to give in to his reactivity, and even in tears, still remind him of what’s actually happened and how it all started, he will then resort to yelling. If yelling doesn’t work and I’m still crying, trying desperately to get us back on track and have a healthy discussion, he will start screaming at the top of his lungs at me (generally in public or in front of an open window when there are people outside) and say things like “JUST LEAVE ME ALONE” and “HAVENT YOU DONE ENOUGH” hell storm in and out of the apartment or car while doing this, slamming doors and drawing a lot of embarrassing attention to us both. He also will start smashing his head on things in front of me or hitting himself in the face, break things, leave holes in walls, withhold my personal things literally over my head or out of the car window, and if I get too close to try and stop him from doing any of that, he physically hurts me. I know all of this isn’t okay, but right now I’m hung up on WHY the hell he always needs to be more upset than me in these situations when I started off calm and understanding and he could have just had a grown up conversation. The pattern of getting more reactive when I cry is undeniable at this point. Am I crazy? I feel so lost and stuck in their cycle. Why does he do this