I (19F) have been dating (20M) for almost 3 months now. I’ve started seeing him 2 to 3 times a week after the first month. We really enjoy eachother company and have great communication for the most part.
I’ve communicated from the start that I’m looking for something serious and have talked with him about being let on many times and how that has hurt me in the past.
He on the other hand has never really pushed the subject and seemed sort of uncomfortable whenever I brought it up. He has mentioned that he thinks he’s bad for me. And is afraid to hurt me. Despite of this he was always thoughtful/attentive and insisted on seeing me. (Not just to have sex)
Fast forward to valentines, I made a very personalized gift that took me hours to put together (he gave me a single rose). I didn’t think much of it at first because it’s just the way I am and acknowledge that we hadn’t been together for that long. But after that day he seemed to distance himself especially when it came to texting and it felt like I was pushing to see him. I decided to ask him what was going on 2 weeks later.
He explained that he was afraid to hurt me because he couldn’t promise me anything and wanted “a relationship to develop naturally”?. We eventually agreed to take it slow and just go with the flow.
I expected his attentiveness and effort to come back after that conversation but it didn’t. So we had another talk about it and I felt like he really understood me that time. He put more effort into communicating and seeing me…….for a week. And then it was back to him only texting me at 22:00 if I want to come over.
Since then I’ve expressed that it’s really bothering me and that I won’t keep seeing him if he doesn’t show me the effort that he did at the start. And again he really put in effort and showed me that he did want me. And now he has stopped again.
It seemed that he stopped texting me whenever something bad happened to me “because of him”. For example I had a deadline and wasn’t able to make it because I chose to go to him the day before. I’ve made it very clear that those things are choices that I make and that it’s not his responsibility or fault.
I’m trying to understand him but it’s really hard for me to understand why his response to “being a bad influence/hurting me” is hurting me by distancing himself.
Right now my patience is running thin. I understand that’s its something he struggles with and I’m trying to be patient. But I’m also afraid that maybe he just doesn’t want me enough. Because as a lot of the threads I’ve read say “if he wanted to he would”, but what if his emotions are stopping him and not his feelings.
I really need advise on whether I need to stop making excuses for him or if I can try and support him in any way (I’ve tried telling him already ofc).
Also if some of you have been in similar positions (his/my side) I would love to hear your experiences.