TL; DR:
I (18F) am obsessed with my best friend (18F). I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m seriously considering ending the friendship because 1) I don’t think I can handle continuously being obsessed with her and watching her act close with others and 2) I know that sooner or later, I will end up ruining the relationship and I don’t want to ruin our memories with a messy break. What do I even do at this point?
CONTEXT:
My best friend and I have been close since our freshman year of high school. We met, instantly clicked, and that was that. Since then, we’ve hung out a ton but it’s become difficult because 1) school is always breathing down our necks 2) we don’t have any classes together and 3) both of us are just exhausted. I try to be understanding, I swear. I’m fucking trying. But I can’t. I’ve tried calling her (she says she doesn’t like calls, and thus has rarely picked up), I’ve tried having healthy conversations (she was super nice and understanding with them, and recognized that we were drifting but also said that “staying in touch” was enough), and I’ve tried organizing one-on-one hangouts (she’s always quite busy, and while I don’t resent her for it, it gets hard to do so.)
It hurts, because I (objectively speaking) am extremely busy. My circle is already small as is, and while I know a decent amount of people, few are close enough for me to really ‘click’ with. That’s my best friend — whom I’ve vented to about all my family issues and relationship baggage and yadda yadda, and tried to do the same for in turn. My relationship track record has not been great — a lot of short term failed relationships, unrequited crushes, etc etc. Similar with friendships — I’m generally just not a warm person, and if you see me up close, I tend to be a straight-up wreck. That’s my problem with relationships, too, I think — the first couple months are great, the jokes are hitting, the feelings are glittery, and then the crazy insecure emotionally unstable me appears. Yay. : – )
Back on topic, though: All this is exactly why I love my best friend so much. Not romantically, though if either of us swung that way I would absolutely do it in a heartbeat — I’m just so grateful that she’s been there through thick and thin, and I love her more than words can say. Over the past couple months, though, I’ve been getting more and more insecure: she has many classes with a mutual (lets call her A), whom I’ve known since forever and is now dating one of my exes (whole other messy story, not delving into it.) Slowly, I feel like I’m being replaced by A — in hangouts, in calls, in deep conversations, until I’m just “some friend she used to know, but we’re really not that close”.
It’s gotten to the point where there’s nothing much to talk about with my bestie, and so she always brings A into the mix (as a topic of conversation or whatever), and I hate it. I sound obsessive and crazy and manipulative as fuck, but I wish my bestie would just focus on me. Maybe I love her romantically. Maybe that would make it make sense. Maybe I’ve just got commitment issues, and can’t help but needing people I love 24/7 because how else am I supposed to manage?
She’s just so smart and amazing and brightens my day and I’m terrified of losing her, but I don’t know if I can keep doing this anymore.