6.5 years in, having my doubts. Is it me, him, or both of us??

Ok so my bf 27m and I 30m have been together a bit over 6 years. We’ve been through a lot together and I do love him dearly. We regularly talk about our future plans together and when work and chores are a non-factor our relationship is really quite fun. But lately I’ve been having stronger doubts about the longevity and whether this is the life I actually want.

Some background on me and my own problems so this isn’t totally one sided. I am very driven, have a big successful career, acheived all of the goals I set for myself by age 30, love to fill my free time learning new skills or trying new activities. I love being creative and spontaneous. I enjoy socializing with my friends. I recently got my private pilot license and have been taking anyone willing to go on flights ariund the area. I love music and play the piano, guitar, and sing. I keep a clean and organized home, car, and life as a whole. I also rwally do my best to have a positive attitude and see the silver lining in things.

Now for what I perceive as some of my faults/flaws. I live in an constant state of anxiety. I learned some coping mechanisms in therapy years ago but it’s still a bit debilitating at times. My anxiety keeps me kind of half present throughout the day. I anger quickly and it’s kind of a burst or rage style anger where ai get really heated for like 5 or 10 minutes then I’m fine. I’m mad at the world, other people, my bf (we’ll get into it). I also am not the healthiest guy. I smoke weed, drink on weekend, am a bit overweight (6′ 205lbs). I have an eating disorder called ARFID. I’ve gone through some successful treatment for that over the years but my diet is still limited and it’s hard for me to muster up the courage to try new foods. This causes some issues around meals at home. I tend to want things to be my way and am very opinionated. I also can be a bit argumentative when I disagree with my bf about things.

So…my bf. He’s 27 and also has a good job. When we met he was 21. He was such a positive sweet caring guy. Over the years he’s become depressed. He acknowledges the depression but even after multiple conversations about it he hasn’t seeked out any help. He just kinda revels in it. He tells me he’s depressed about work. I get it and give him as much empathy as I can. I had major depression in college and had to get help. Again, my bf acknowledges he needs help but won’t get it.

But there’s a lot more going on than the depression. Or maybe the depression is causing all of this, but I don’t know.

Over the last few years we’ve argued about chores SO many times. I work the same hours as him and do way more chores. One time we had a fight about it and bought a chore chart to track them. Lo and behold I was doing more chores every week cinsistently. Learning this fact did not change his behaviour at all. If I ask for help he just moans and groans about it. I’ve tried so many times to come home from work with a positive attitude to just get our chores done and 80% of the time he just makes it a totally negatice experience. It’s maddening.

I’ve also learned my bf doesn’t really have any hobbies other than going to Disneyland and reading mangas on his phone. We do play League of Legends together consistently but that’s it. After we’ve owned a board game for a year he doesn’t ever want to play it again. Same with video games. It feels like we’re running out of stuff to do at home. He’s become increasingly obsessed with food and anytime we leave the house to do something food has to be a part of it. He has awful self esteem and constantly complains about his weight (6’2″ 225lbs) but he never changes habits and never does any physical activity. He always says my eating and exercising habits are just as bad, which they might be, but I am happy and confident in my body so I’m not incessantly cpmplaining about my weight and telling myself I look ugly. Anytime he tries something new if he’s not immediately good at it he gives up completely and will never try it again. He constantly complains about his job. He complains any time we have any type of socialization. Like his sister came to visit and he had a complete breakdown for no reason. The whole weekend was fine. The only part that sucked was his attitude. He guilts me if I leave to hang out with my own friends or do my own thing, but I need to live.

Anytime I bring up my concerns he gets reaaaaally defensive and says I’m attacking him, that he’s not good enough for me and I should just dump him. It is literally impossible to have a conversation about our relationship that goes anywhere because even if we come to a good understanding, he never changes his habits accordingly. He’s brought home self help books, couples dynamic books. I’ve read them, he’s never opened them.

The other day he told me he wants to learn to sew and I was like, hell yea do it! He said if he gets a machine I can’t use it because I’ll pick it uo faster and be better than him and he’ll get defeated. This is a regular thing for him to say. We took motorcycle safety course together. I made the mistake of planning the course for the week after we agreed to do it. He got upset that the class was so soon. We went and he almost quit after day 1. He ended up getting a better score on the final tests than me! I was so happy for him. I went out the next week and got my license, then a bike. He waited 3 weeks to get his license. Now it’s been an additional 3 and he hasn’t even hopped on my bike to practice. He says he’s too nervous now. I literally don’t get it. $1000+ on gear $300 MSF course. And now he’s too nervous?

I think he feels like I’m constantly judging him and looking down in him. And I swear I’m not trying to. I want him to try new things and experience life. Failing is ok. He knows I don’t care. I literally failed my first private pilot checkride and cried to him because i had spent 2 years training and was so burnt out, but failure happens and you learn from it. A month later I passed with 0 marks for improvement.

I feel like I’ve been typing so much this is just an incoherent rambling at this point. I just feel like ai’m living with an angsty teenager all the time. We did a remodel of our home office over the weekend. He would do about 5 minutes of work and then go sit on the couch to read manga for 2 hours while I put up shelves, cleaned our desks , etc. He couldn’t even manage to make dinner for us after I worked for 8 hours straight on Saturday.

I feel underappreciated and unheard. Like my accomplishments mean nothing to him. I think my successes annoy him. His family is happier for me than he is. He never surprises me with romantic gestures or adventures over the weekend despite my direct asking. He has an unrelenting negative attitude. If I say, “lets be positive” he will literally say , “No I’m going to be negative”. I cannot live like that. I cannot spend my 1 existence around this energy.

The problem is I love him and I can’t help but feel like his depression is stopping him from making any other self improvements and bringing him back to the man I know he is.

In case you’re wondering our sex life is alright. Not great, but not bad. Again I think this stems from his self esteem issues. Doesn’t matter if I tell him he’s hot. He doesn’t believe me :/

So..is he the problem? Or am I a nagging, controlling, nuisance. Just lay it on me.