This is very subjective, but I know a few guys in their mid 30s who it seems have never had any setbacks, difficulties or loss. One guy, a good friend, even openly says “I’ve never really had any real problems”.
Again, it’s subjective, but i had ailing parents when I was a kid, health scares, academic problems, lost close friends to accidents, divorce, addiction etc. These events shaped my personality and taught me life lessons, especially the ones in which I played a part (divorce, addiction).
I don’t know if I’d be a peaceful caring person had everything gone smoothly.
One co worker of mine, a great guy, played hs sports, went to college, met his wife, had four healthy kids, fairly cushy job since his 20s, both parents healthy and watch the kids on weekends, etc. If you can tell, I’m jealous, except the aforementioned character development I got to go through and am glad to be mostly on the other side of.
It’s just baffling the variety of experience people get from birth to end.
29 comments
Out of interest, how close are you to your colleague that you are convinced he’s not suffered any difficulties in his life so far?
I’ve lived a privileged life with almost no adversity. Parents are still married, firmly middle class growing up. Always had the essentials, usually didn’t have much more, but I don’t consider that adversity in any respect outside of being jealous of friends at Christmas.
I would also consider myself a pretty decent human, with deep enduring gratitude for this life and the things and people who have made it possible.
I think it’s a positive when guys like me see their privilege in life. To see that we have an opportunity to help others, to be a rock or to provide or to stand up for those who need an ally. It’s not like I have zero stresses in my life, I have kids and a wife, aging parents with various health issues, sometimes demanding job – but taking a step back and realizing that I still have more to give is important to exercise my gratitude for all of the life I’ve lead so far.
It’s called luck. I think I would consider myself part of this group. I know going through adversity and struggle is a good catalyst for personal growth so I usually seek these things out intentionally through sports, hobbies, and work. I’ve been fairly lucky with my upbringing, haven’t had any major deaths in my life. I’m pretty close with my family. I have a good friend group. My career is pretty low-stress and pays relatively well but I’m not crazy-passionate about it and I worked pretty hard to get to this point. Genetically speaking, I am quite short so I wasn’t too lucky with romantic relationships throughout my 20’s although I’m in a very loving relationship now.
I consider myself extremely fortunate because of all this. Life is good. Could be better but I appreciate what I have.
Do I consider myself a peaceful and caring person? I think so. Politically, I consider myself right-of-center but I think it’s because of my own personal life experiences. I value independence and hardwork because that’s what has served me well in life. I realize that a lot of it has to do with luck too so that tones down my ego a bit.
I do feel the envy and jealousy emanating from some folks at times. It’s not too bad but it’s definitely there. I definitely try to downplay my life quite often to avoid any “gee, must be nice” comments but it comes out by accident sometimes, especially if I think I’m just sharing a random thing about my life.. So I only fully open up to my friends who are also doing well because of this.
Yeah. I know two. Frankly, I’m concerned on how either is going to react when some serious life situation blows up.
My friend “Dave” was freaking out for a week straight because he had “never been fired before” because he was worried about some mediumish mistake he made. And it’s like, dude, at most places they’d just give you a stern talking to and a formal warning about it, if that. But he was early 30s and hadn’t ever lost a job without quitting.
Most people don’t have a realistic definition of adversity.
I used to be like that, then I had a decades worth of adversity forced onto me when I got into my mid 30s. At the time, I was angry with the world. Now that I’m past the adversity, I realize it was a gift. Real change only comes from suffering.
I’m now incredibly resilient, content, and have more gratitude for life in general. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was before going all through that rough patch. It doesn’t seem like it at the time, but if you get through adversity it’s the best thing in the world for you. I actually feel sorry for people who have it easy their whole lives. In my opinion it’s very hard to find true peace and happiness without going through true hardship.
“No man is more unhappy than he who never faces adversity. For he is not permitted to prove himself” – Seneca. I saved that quote while I was in the darkest hole, I didn’t believe it at the time but I sure do now.
There’s def a difference in tragedy and misfortune people face, but if you think someone has had zero adversity, you’re probably wrong.
Things have kind of always been hard, but I know plenty of people that have had it harder. Just because you’re problems aren’t horrific doesn’t mean they were not struggles.
*Comparison is the theft of joy*
Yeah, I know a few. It’s not too common, though. Most people just hide their problems in front of others. It’s kinda fascinating, these people are kinda chill, easy going, can be fun in an ordinary but good way, matrially successful… but at the same time… very shallow personalities and actually uninspiring people to me, I would say? It takes going through some actual shit and successfully conquering the demons to develop some depth in your character.
I’ve had it pretty easy all things considered, but my twenties were spent mostly depressed and overweight, stuck in a low-paying and soul-sucking job. No dating prospects, stoned all the time, a real mess. I knew I had to make changes to my life and starting with fitness was the best choice I could have made. I signed up at a local yoga studio and just started going daily. It was hard at first – I was shaking like a baby giraffe and felt weak as shit, but little did I know that commitment to that routine would pay dividends to the present day, many years later. Once I started taking physical care of my body, SO many other positive changes happened. I’ve been a bit of a fitness junkie ever since – it’s my antidepressant. Anyways, life turned around splendidly between 27 and 30 and I’m still going strong. I just ran a five and a half minute mile the other day!
Yeah, I think you’re on to something here. The folks with the most character I know have suffered immensely. I can’t think of any exceptions to this rule from the people in my own life. These folks who’ve dealt with real adversity tend to see past vapid superficial nonsense and are very interesting as a result. The things they say have depth without them ever trying to be deep. Small talk doesn’t feel small with them. They tend to worry about the people around them more than just whatever they’re dealing with in the moment.
For lack of a better way to put it, I’d say folks who have never really suffered or needed to worry about finding their next meal tend to focus on the surface of things. They tend to assume a person they know who smiles a lot is truly happy or that a mean coworker is just a jerk and there’s nothing more under the surface. They tend to be uncomfortable talking about struggle and they have limited skills for dealing with discomfort. They may even get angry with you for rocking the boat if you point out someone is being rude or unfair. It’s not that they’re not kind, it’s just that they can’t really empathize with suffering or the need to stand up despite discomfort to overcome it.
The thing is, everyone suffers eventually. As you get older health issues and the loss of loved ones are unavoidable. So, when you’re dealing with vapid people you’re usually just dealing with someone who hasn’t been forced to grow up yet. I’d say it’s a shame for someone to go many decades without having to learn grit, but honestly I’m still glad that not everyone needs to get accustomed to struggle too early.
To quote an old friend “It builds character, but please god… no more character…” lol.
I know a lot of men who would never admit going through adversity, but zero that have never actually gone through it.
Some feel suffering is a gift, and therefor they may not see it as adversity at all.
I’d worry more about yourself and less about others. Looking down on someone because they’ve had it easier than you isn’t healthy.
…Also, two people with the exact same opportunities and experiences can still turn out completely different. My brother and I are different in just about every way, work ethic, career field, religion, we disagree on all of it.
I hope so.
Absolutely, I work at a fortune 500 with a lot of men who came from good families, went to good schools, married their college sweetheart and everything went exactly as planned and how they wanted.
I’m sure they had some bumps in the road, but their life went exactly to plan without ever having to question the status quo or analyze life at a deeper level.
The closer your life path aligns to societal expectations and desires, the less likely you are to have real awareness of what life actually is, at least that is how I see it.
The more different you are and the more life presents death and tragedy to you, the more you see the world for the reality it actually is.
A lot of people don’t see the luck in their life. Some have privileged lives and can see and appreciate it, which I can respect.
I just don’t have time for people who were born on 3rd base and judge other people for being back at first when they didn’t have the same luck and roll of the dice.
People often confuse what they have with the choices they made vs the reality of what they were provided that allowed them to get where they are….blah blah blah, I’ve rambled too much already.
Couple of rich friends who I feel like didn’t experience any, but you honestly never know with people.
Oh 100%. I work with tons of guys with RDS: Rich Dad Syndrome. There’s nothing inherently wrong with them, or with having a rich Dad, it’s just hard to relate to them at times. We get along just fine, but they bond with each other easy, whereas I struggle to socialize beyond a certain point because our experiences are so different.
They grew up with dads/parents who could and did provide everything and who could use their connections and influence to help get their sons’ jobs and set them on the right path. They didn’t have to figure it all out for themselves, and there were sturdy guardrails to make sure they landed on their feet. For me on the other hand, a few different decisions I could have easily made in my younger years would have radically changed the trajectory of my life for the worse. I narrowly missed them.
I grew up blue collar, and relatively poor. My parents are decent, intelligent people, but neither went to college or had great careers (I probably make more money than they both made combined at their peak). I had to figure out A LOT on my own, and still have to. I had to make mistakes, make less money, miss out on opportunities, work extra hard, get lucky, and go through a ton of adversity to get on the same level as guys who were born on third base. And to fit in, I have to sort of mask my blue collar/working class roots. Any time it sneaks out, it’s met w/ mild taboo. The things they talk about as completely normal (country club membership, family trips to Mexico, etc.) are just totally foreign to me, even if I’ve gotten more used to them now.
Now, am I jealous? Good question. Resentful? At times yes. But jealous… I don’t know about that. These guys have a somewhat superficial relationship with existence. Their world has been pretty narrow and defined, and anything outside of that they view with derision and discomfort.
I’ve seen and done things they’d never dream of. I’ve had experiences, both positive and negative, that are totally outside of anything they’ve ever witnessed. In the long run, it makes me a more complete person, and I’m very happy with myself. I’m a lot more curious and interested in things, and I’m not scared of different things. But the one thing that annoys me more than anything else is that they don’t really accept folks who stray from their norm. We get along fine at work, but they’re not inviting me to play golf on the weekend or go to dinner. Because of that, I lose out on opportunities and don’t have a vast network I can call upon. Despite what anyone says, there is a price to pay for being different.
So longwinded post to say… yes. I know a lot of them. Nothing you can do about how their life has been, all you can do is focus on how you live your life.
A mate of mine from uni has experienced it but has also been lucky enough to have been bailed out by his family at every occasion. He was failing university because of his own laziness, lied to his parents about why he was failing and they threatened to sue the university unless he was allowed to repeat the year for a third time (he claimed the university was not supporting him with his dyslexia). He then failed out of university properly and got a job at his uncle’s company, earning twice what I earn now a decade out of university. His parents are divorced but both are multi-millionaires and happier apart, so he did not really suffer from that, especially as he was an adult when this happened.
Everything is relative though right? It’s funny how sometimes it’s harder to deal with the day to day “middle class problems” than it is to deal with something cataclysmic, in the sense that with the former you still expect to achieve everything whereas for the latter it has a habit of refocusing you.
My dad 😐
Nope. Life is hard. For just about everyone I think. The older I get the more I realize that.
I’ve known some people that from my perspective seem to have lived unimaginably idyllic lives. It’s cool that they’ve gotten to have that.
In my 20’s I had this big fucking chip on my shoulder about my own hardships that’s pretty embarrassing in hindsight. Comparing myself to these peers in what I saw as a pampered position of privilege just made me a miserable, bitter douchebag.
Now I try to mind my own business. You’re doing good, I’m happy for you.👍 Comparison is the thief of joy.
Yes, I work in tech. I wasn’t always destined for this, I had a catastrophically bad childhood in a low-income home and I revolted and lost most of my teen years, and was homeless for a bit after high school. Without diving too deep, I did community college->no-name university->bachelor’s in CS over 8 years, starting my career when I was almost 30. I’m naturally driven and social, so I have climbed and climbed until I started working at SF/Bay Area companies the last several years, surrounded by peers who were 5-7 years younger than me.
I was extremely bitter near the end of school and the beginning of my career. Everyone talking about all the toys my parent could never afford, the Stanford and the Berkeley and the Harvard and CMU, no one worked any parttime jobs or lived in their cars, or had kids, and so on. I had to go to therapy about it, but figured out how to just let it go.
The world is unfair, and I had to learn I’m not automatically a better person because I’ve suffered more than my peers. I’ve made friends. Idk, it gets better if you just let it go.
I personally don’t but I also believe there are people out there who have had more “luck” than others
I’m 62 and have experienced predictable life events. Death of parents, friends, relatives, pets. But thats life, not adversity per se. I’ve been laid off several times, but that happens too. It’s just a new beginning.
Yeah, myself. I mean I don’t have the greatest life ever, but that’s entirely my own fault, not due to circumstances.
Everyone has a different definition of adversity, but everyone has faced their definition of it.
I guess it depends on your definitions. I mean, I would say that I’m one such person. I’ve never had a serious set back. I got into the only college I applied to. I’ve never been fired or laid off from a job. Ive never had my heart broken (married over 30 years to the first serious GF I ever had).
But my mom died when I was 20 and my dad committed suicide when I was 40 and my sister has 18 months to live. Still, I don’t consider any of those to be setbacks. Death and such is just a normal part of life. Clearly MY deaths would be a setback, but I don’t view the deaths of people I do not rely upon as setbacks (and I haven’t relied upon family since I was 18).