I (27F) have been best friends with my boyfriend (29M), “Rick”, for 6 years or so but, absolutely involved with him since New Years. I recognized my feelings for him had grown into something even deeper back in September, struggled with it for a little bit before making my feelings known, learned that he reciprocated, and things became very physically amorous around New Years and things have been booming ever since.
We were always together – well, close enough to “always” – and were private about things at first as we settled into actual couplehood. Last week I had met up with my friend “Leslie” (28F), who I’ve posted about before, took this very badly. Her reaction was so negative that she went onto Facebook, which I do not use, and began blasting me. She said some horrible things and it got so bad that word about it got back to me from mutual friends clued me in to what’s happening.
After trying to talk with her for several days, she finally returned my call last night. She told me that I’m ruining Rick’s life, that I’m only with him because I’m baby crazy, that I intend to baby trap Rick, she called me a “scarlet woman”, which I had to google to learn that she was calling me a prostitute or adulterer (I am neither). Then she got quiet for a while and said that I was ruining Rick’s life. She then hung up.
I was so busy last night that I brushed this off but as I laid there next to Rick as he snoozed away, this kept me up until close to 3 in the morning. I realized that I’m not sure what “baby crazy” actually means. Do I want children? For a long time I never even thought about it but for the last six months or so I have daydreamed about having a family, having kids. I know that I absolutely love my man – unabashedly, thoroughly, completely. I always assumed he would be part of my life forever but now I know what I really want is for us to be each other’s for the rest of my life. I’ve never told any of this to Leslie. I’ve never mentioned having kids in any discussion I even remember having with her and I haven’t swooned like someone drunk in love at her.
I can’t put my mind around being called an adulterer. I’ve never been married, neither has Rick. Rick hasn’t had time to be married, although he has dated. We spend most of our free time together. I would have known if he was secretly married. I haven’t even dated anyone in over 2 years aside from Rick these past few months.
As I laid there quietly crying I began to wonder if maybe she was right. Maybe there was something to her perspective. Maybe she see’s something in me that I don’t see myself. If I were honest, I would be overjoyed if my birth control failed and I became pregnant. I would never sabotage things, though. In my daydreaming I imagine us buying a cute house closer to our families, with a cute garden and big kitchen. We’d have a small wedding and disappear on honeymoon somewhere warm and beautiful and we’d go to our new home immediately after returning from the honeymoon and start growing our family. But it wouldn’t be a bad thing to be pregnant. I can easily support and provide for a child. I’m highly educated and have built a strong career. But does being open to having a child and wanting children in the future mean that I’m “baby crazy”? Does being open to accidental pregnancy even now mean that I’m baby trapping Rick? How would Leslie even know what my intentions are if I’ve never communicated anything of the sort to her, unless she see’s something in me that I can’t see or lack the context to see myself?
What if she’s right and I’m a toxic scarlet woman and I’ve blinded myself to it? What if she’s right and Rick realizes it too? How can I tell if I’m blind to my own toxicity?
I talked with Rick about the situation with Leslie when she first melted down. He suggested that I not take anything she says to heart and that he thinks that she’s just struggling with change. He suggested that she might be reacting out of fear because our friends group has been changing a lot recently. He said a lot of really complimentary things to me and if I listen to him then this is all a Leslie problem. But Leslie was a close trusted friend of mine who I’ve never seen behave like this before. In fact, I don’t have any history of anyone behaving like this in my life. This sort of drama and turmoil is completely alien to me. But as a trusted friend, if I listen to Leslie than I resent Rick and am not going to be able to stop myself from ruining his life. Which I absolutely do not want to do. I would rather lose him than ruin his life, and I absolutely do not want to lose him.
Even if she’s wrong, then that would mean she’s a trusted friend in crisis and I need to be there for her. But I don’t know how to do that if she wont answer my calls or answer her door. I don’t want to lose her. There’s something wrong and I don’t know if it’s me or her or something else.
tl;dr: A friend of mine lashed out at me after hearing the news that I’ve been dating my boyfriend, blasted me on social media, then finally talks to me accusing me of being baby crazy, intending to baby trap my boyfriend, and telling me I am ruining his life. I’m more confused than ever. What exactly is going on here? Is she right?