First time poster – please bear with me!
My fiance \[24M\] and I \[24F\] have been together for 5 years now and I’ve recently been having some doubts about the long-term compatibility of our personalities. He’s the sweetest man alive and not only tolerates, but even appreciates my craziness (extreme frugality, starting random projects, being extremely stubborn). I come from an adventurous family that does lots of activities together (sports, hiking, shopping, outings). His family is extremely calm and operates independently (everyone doing their own thing – stay-at-home stuff). We lived together for the 3/5 years that we’ve been together and during that time, I had a lingering sense of boredom that I never could shake. We’ve talked at length about our differing levels of optimal stimulation, invariably ending with him saying we should do more “fun” things together and that he’d never want to “lose me” over something so trivial. When it comes down to it, he prefers staying at home on his computer over any sports or activities I propose. I feel guilty over dragging him out to do things he doesn’t really enjoy. Recently, I moved back with my family to be closer, geographically, to my current clinical placement and frankly, I’ve felt more fulfilled than I ever did when we lived together. It could be the transient nature of it but it leaves me wondering whether our relationship would doom me to a lifetime of being semi-bored almost all the time.
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Another concern is intellectual compatibility. I’m a high-achieving individual in a healthcare field while he left university to work in labour. He’s much more life-smart and I’m much more book-smart. The conversation is good, albeit it sometimes feels like we only talk about surface-level topics. When I initiate conversations in science or philosophy, he generally doesn’t have much of opinion and usually just agrees with me, which doesn’t quell my craving for dialogue. I find my conversations with friends much more mentally-stimulating, partly due to being able to talk about medicine and science on a common level. Being someone who values schedules and planning, one of my pet peeves is his lack of organization – it makes me feel like a total nag to remind him all the time to do things, but if I don’t, even important and necessary tasks often don’t get done. It’s been a bit of a burden to feel like I’m worrying for 2 people, even though I know I bring it upon myself. This in conjunction with our anticipated difference in incomes, I fear that it might foster resentment in the long haul.
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The sex is great. I’m a lot more experienced than he is and am definitely the more adventurous of the two of us. He’s absolutely gorgeous and on the whole it’s probably the best sex I’ve ever had with any individual. He’s quite vanilla in comparison and I find myself missing some of the crazier things I used to enjoy. We’ve talked about this as well and he’s “open to anything”, but at the same time, when we try “new” things, he admits he’s not so into it.
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In terms of backstory, we met in band during university, and while we both love music, it’s not as significant in our lives anymore. We’re very compatible in our plans for having a family, even in so far as he’s said he’d be happy to stay at home with the kids since I’m the more career-oriented one. We have the same sense of humour and our value systems align. I want a lot more from life (big house, white picket fence, nice car) than he does, but he’s boundlessly supportive of my aspirations, even though he’s indifferent himself. I really can’t imagine someone who is more easygoing and accepting of all of my qualities. As an example, I transitioned to a pescatarian diet two years ago and he not only tolerated that, but changed his dietary habits too so that I wouldn’t feel I was missing out. Maybe it’s a case of “the grass is always greener” – he’s the most genuine, loyal, and romantic man I’ve ever met and our relationship is safe, secure, and stable. There’s very little conflict and a lot of affection.
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I messed around a lot in university, mostly flings with different types and ages of men. Incompatibilities in my previous relationships were blatant very early. Here, I feel like I’ve made a huge investment of time and efforts and I doubt I’ll find anyone who is a better person than my current partner. I’m moving across states for my training in a few months and he’s prepared to leave his family and life behind to come with me. I feel the need to assure the long-term feasibility of our relationship prior to allowing him to make that sacrifice. I’m hoping Reddit can provide their thoughts and some wisdom on the following:
1. Is your significant other the person that you’re supposed to feel the happiest with? Is it a red flag that I feel happier living with my family than living with my fiance?
2. What role does one’s level of optimal arousal play in our compatibility with our partners? (acknowledging that my evolving career might render me a lot more busy and mitigate the disparity)
3. How important is it to be able to have intellectual conversations with one’s partner and is an inability to have engrossing intellectual conversations a dealbreaker?
4. How much does a large disparity in income drive a wedge in relationships years and decades down the line?
5. How easy is it to meet people in one’s mid-twenties? Am I just being greedy expecting someone to have a stellar personality as well as ambitions and intellect?
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tldr; 5-year relationship. I have a lot of ambitions and like to keep very busy. I can be very demanding and stubborn. My fiance is sweet, accepting, and validating. He likes a more placid life and doesn’t have many ambitions. Also differences in education, sexual adventurousness, and forecasted future incomes. Moving to another state and having doubts about whether our relationship can succeed long-term. Don’t want to have him leave his life behind for me unless I’m sure.
4 comments
Your partner cannot be your everything – so you need to determine what parts of your life are valuable to you and find a way to nourish those outside of your relationship.
It sounds like you need a certain degree of grounding because you are high energy and perhaps fall on the more neurotic side and this require high stimulus. Boredom will be your idea of hell.
You sound similar to me and I have a partner who was much like your husband. The way we deal with this is having lives outside of one another and share commonalities that we love together. This results in less time together but the QUALITY of our time together is MUCH better because we have so much more to talk about.
We have mutual friends but I have a social circle I do all my activities with that I love. I love many sporting activities. I love food and she doesn’t. I love intellectually stimulating crazy conversation- she is much more quiet.
So we maintain a high level of individualism. Most couples are under the impression they have to be attached at the hip and partake in everything together. To me that is so ridiculous and leads to stagnation and boredom. I see couples like this and it makes me want to throw myself off of a bridge.
Forcing your partner to do things they don’t want to is also no fun for either.
If you want a family (kids) stability is most important. You will sacrifice so much of your life for them – so that also means more time with your partner. You have to be ready for those sacrifices becuase that is what having kids is. It is a massive lifestyle change.
You aren’t compatible in nearly every way- you prefer doing activities and he’s a homebody, you’re a planner and he’s disorganized, you feel more fulfilled living apart and talking to your friends, you can’t have deep conversations with him, and you’re not even really sexually on the same page. All of this can be boiled down to the fact that you have a passion for new things and adventure and he does not- and that’s the biggest compatibility issue you can really have because it will be a constant struggle to try and compromise there. A lot of the reason you like him is because you think you’re hard to deal with and he tolerates you and you’ve put the time in. Those aren’t good reasons. 1. Yes, you’re supposed to want to be around that person all the time and enjoy their company a lot, if not the most of anyone. 2. It plays a large role, like I said. 3. Very very important if that’s important to you- which it is. 4. It depends- some people have a complex about making less than their partners, and some people become resentful that their low-earning spouse isn’t bringing more in. 5. Mid-twenties is precisely the time when people are trying to meet and find their partners- it’s probably the easiest demographic to be looking in, because people are still young enough to want to go out and on dates etc but old enough to be interested in something beyond just hooking up.
It seems you have an extremely analytical mind and you’re trying to dissect this relationship and put a bunch of check boxes next to it and try to make it “perfect”. Thing is, that’s not how life works. Some people work well being opposites in nearly every way, but some people like to have a little in common. Others do everything together. Some people are happy with a stay at home partner and a big earner, but some people need to be equal financially. A lot of people are not on the exact same intellectual level; that’s why you have friends, and coworkers, and family, and hobbies, and other interests that give you people to interact with. Sometimes the most crazy and odd seeming pairings of people just work for them whilst people who look perfect on paper split.
You’re asking impossible questions and expecting to be able to have a hard answer. This isn’t a math question; relationships are too complex and have a million different answers.
Only you can know if you are happy; if you will be happy for the rest of your life with this man. If your life goals coincide – if you will be happy moving in, getting married, having kids, or whatever you want together. If this is the only man you have sex with for the rest of your life, will you be satisfied?
It sounds like he would be open to couples counselling since he’s been open to supporting you in every other way.
Only you can decide if you wanna be with him or not, and it really is a choice. If you choose him, be all in and don’t keep doubting the relationship. I think communication is key here and you need to let go of your need to control the other person or this idea that they have to fit you 100%. If he’s not carrying his weight with things like planning etc. talk about this and make your expectations clear. I think if you want more stimulating discussions, find something you’re both into and slow down and really listen to him and encourage him to speak and be patient, even if he’s not “on your level”. Maybe if you give him the time, he’ll provide new insight on a topic even if he’s not the most cerebral type of guy. And I agree with what was said above about finding others to fulfill those parts of you. It’s all about finding that balance. If he wants to chill on the couch and read or game, maybe do yoga in the same room, for example. I’m just throwing ideas out because I had many of your same concerns (almost all of them actually) but choosing my partner completely and fully and really working to accept him and navigate our difference was the best thing I’ve ever done. Your partner also seems willing to navigate life with you and I realized how rare a truly admirable and good he is and that everything else can be worked with, for the most part. I’m the past I would have told you this relationship was not the right fit, but from what you describe, there’s great potential for happiness here with a few shifts in mindset and some work.