So I (f23) have never gotten much of any physical pleasure from sex. I enjoyed the emotional closeness and the idea, but not really the sensations. Nothing was unpleasant but it just felt like nothing. I have no issues with masturbating to orgasm by myself. I have also tried sex with finger stimulating the clit, but still couldn’t get close to an orgasm.
Last week, me and my current bf tried sex with vibrator for the first time. And oh boy was that great. I was able to reach an orgasm and it felt wonderful. Completely different than any other orgasm I had. I finally got what the whole fuss about sex was about. And my bf was thrilled that I got there and could enjoy sex as much as him.
Now every time we have sex I want to do it with the vibrator. And yesterday my bf expressed some thoughts about it. He said he wants sex sometimes with the vibrator and sometimes without (which is understandable). I asked whether he enjoyed sex when I have the vibrator on – and he said yes, that it is actually a wonderful different sensation for him and he likes it a lot. But he is bored with it and would like the variety of “normal” sex also. I can understand that. But what we got into conflict about was the frequency of having sex with a vibrator.
For context we have sex 1-2 times every day except when I’m not feeling well or on my period. Ofc I want sex with vibrator every time, but I said let’s compromise at with vibrator every other time. But he was not happy. He said he would prefer only once every week with the vibrator. That way it’s exciting for him and it’s like something to look forward to…
I’m finding it hard to swallow. I can’t help resenting him for this as it sounds selfish to me. He gets to get off any time any way we have sex. And I only get to enjoy it physically in this one specific way (which he admitted to liking as well). And after discovering the feeling of “good sex”, it’s hard for me to come back to the old way.
Do you have any advice ? Maybe a guy’s perspective on sex with a women with a vibrator would help!
And please don’t suggest that we are sexually incompatible and we should break up. This is not something that either one of us would break up over, and I want to find a way through it.
4 comments
I had to spend a pretty long time teaching myself to orgasm with fingers-on-clitoris-only (I was a hand-humper growing up.)
It is worth it to figure out how to get there with just fingers– But, I find the sensation a bit too subtle to do it during PIV, though, unless my partner stops thrusting or anything but nipple simulation (has to be the right-side nipple!) because all the OTHER sensations of the PIV are too distracting and I can’t focus in on that small thing. I can sometimes, of course, and it’s lovely when it happens, but pretty unreliably (and often choose just to enjoy the experience if everything and not sideline it for that.)
If I want to up my odds from about 20% fingers to about 75%, I use a vibe.
There is something that is just more lovely and organic about using nothing but bodies (ie: fingers), so it’s probably worth working towards, but, at least for me, it can be a bit like trying to catch lightening in a bottle.
Once a week??!! I thought he was excited that you were finally enjoying sex “like him”, but his excitement extends to once a week?
Many women can only cum with a toy. You’ve been having sex with him 1-2x a day without orgasming and it “feeling like nothing”– he now thinks that is “normal sex” (his words) and very simply does not see the NEED for a vibrator or your orgasm. If you keep having sex with someone at that rate they are going to assume you are enjoying it plenty and see no reason for change. Explain how you’ve felt about sex very honestly to him again and how big of a revelation this was for you.
For him, it’s added fun novelty. For you, it’s a necessity to orgasm. Explain that very clearly to him.
My partner would rather see me experience pleasure every single time than care about how it happens. Do we still have sex without toys? Yes, because I enjoy penetration and sometimes just want the connection without orgasm. But he is very aware I am not orgasming that time and ensures that is not a habit (or 2 in a row).
Your proposal of every other time could be considered reasonable, but opinions will vary. Considering that means you will only orgasm 50% of the time and he will continue with his 100%…
But once a week is crazy… that’s 1 in 7 times, or 1 in 14 times of having sex that you have a possibility of orgasming.
His current opinion shows a lack of understanding about how you feel towards sex at best, complete disregard for your pleasure at worst.
Guy here. Whatever my wife needs to get off she gets every time.
There might be other ways to incorporate the vibrator that he will be cool with.
If you have never tried the 2 finger hook combined with a vibrator, it might blow your f-ing mind.
It is a quandary to say the least. I understand his perspective. And the consensus on the subject at hand, is typically never a black/white conversation. A man could be left feeling a certain way. And a woman may never grasp that perspective, such as you feel. Your lover is unable to understand your feelings about said situation…