Sorry if this is long or disorganized, I browse reddit frequently but don’t often post. I’ve (30M) been with my fiancée (31F) for just over 5 years and we’re coming up on one year engaged. For the past few years but especially this past year, it has felt like our relationship has been on a gradual decline. Most of the problems have been present for a long time but they’ve gotten worse rather than better and I don’t know if I can deal with it anymore.
Perhaps the biggest issue that most of the other problems seem to stem from is her mental health. When we met, she let me know that she was type 2 bipolar (though she has since questioned this and speculated about BPD), but she saw a psychiatrist and seemed to have a good handle on it. I get that when a couple first meets, they may not show each other their worst sides just yet, and I understand those conditions and I knew to expect certain behaviors. The struggle has been dealing with her complete unwillingness to take responsibility when incidents occur. I’ll get screamed at over a small misunderstanding, snapped at over passing comments that she took to be more meaningful than they were. I get this can happen and to some extent I expect it. But when I try to bring the incidents up later, talk about how they made me feel, I either get screamed at again, or I’ll get ignored to almost a comical level. I never get an apology or acknowledgement of any kind when her behavior affects me in a bad way. And it’s like I’ve said, I’m trying to be patient, but her attitude over time seems to have become really unapologetic and I’m often left to sort out my emotions on my own.
Another big source of tension is my friends. I have a very close group of friends that I’ve known for a long time and I consider them to be the same as family. When my fiancée and I first got together, we would all hang out together, they liked her and she liked them. But over time, she has stopped coming along. I’ve observed that she tends to like people a lot when she first meets them, but will cut them off quickly the first time they show an imperfection or she otherwise has a negative experience with them. I take her concerns seriously if someone says or does something that makes her uncomfortable, even if it often comes down to her misunderstanding something. 90% of the time, this has resulted in an apology from the person concerned, but once something like that happens it seems like she can’t move on and never sees the person the same way. This seems to be what has happened with all of my friends, as well as some of my family. It was disappointing enough that she stopped wanting to hang out together, but it’s currently a step beyond that where it’s almost a guaranteed argument if I try to plan something with them. Especially if I ever even think about having any of them over at our house, she’ll blow up.
Something else that was different early on is that we shared a lot of the same interests. We liked a lot of the same music and movies and would spend a lot of time together discussing what we liked about things we knew in common, or showing each other new things that the other maybe wasn’t as familiar with. I’ve been introduced to a lot of amazing music and movies from her, and I love that about her. We would go to a lot of concerts, movie screenings, and conventions together and it felt great to have a companion to share all of those things with. But again over time, she has distanced herself from the things we used to share. I get that tastes can change over time, but it almost feels targeted at me, as some sort of defense mechanism. She’ll like something, but then stop liking it if I take too much of an interest in it. For example, there have been times where I’ve come home to her watching or listening to something on her own, and it will be something I already know. If I indicate this, or worse, show any excitement about the fact that she’s familiarizing herself with something I already know and love, she’ll immediately turn it off.
One more thing I should mention is her struggle with her weight. Since we’ve been together, she has gradually let herself go and has gained a lot of weight. I don’t necessarily care about this, since she wasn’t super thin when I met her and I still think she’s beautiful. But she has no confidence in herself and will use it as an excuse to never leave the house or even shower (sometimes she’ll go for weeks). Going back to my friends, she has decided she doesn’t like being around one of their SOs just because she is skinny and wishes she had her body, not even because of anything she did or said. She’ll also say really toxic things like “I’d rather die than look like this.” I’ve tried to be encouraging, mention that she doesn’t need to lose weight for me to find her attractive, but also be supportive if she wants to lose weight in a healthy way. I have invited her to exercise with me, come along when I walk the dog, and have even spent some money on recreational equipment on the rare occasion where she has expressed a desire to try something. But all of this has been for naught; she has never come along on a single walk and all the equipment I have bought gathers dust. Any diet or exercise initiative is quickly abandoned and she falls into the vicious cycle where she’ll be upset or sad about her weight, eat something unhealthy to feel better, but then gain weight as a result. And again, I don’t necessarily want or need for her to lose weight, but it’s hard for me to deal with the way it affects her.
I really don’t want to end things, I really love her and I have hope that she can become the version of herself that I fell in love with again. But it has been years now and things have gotten worse rather than better, despite my best efforts to be supportive and encouraging. The relationship feels like a drain on my emotions and is making it difficult for me to live and be happy with my own life. The answer feels obvious but I’m really struggling to act on it.
TL;DR: Fiancée’s mental health has declined and she has distanced herself from me and emotionally withdrawn. Struggling to maintain hope that things will get better and not sure how to proceed.
7 comments
There really are only so many chances and attempts someone can make for another human being before it becomes dangerous for your own mental and emotional well-being.
You should never stay in a relationship hoping the other person will drastically change.
It’s extremely hard for someone to have a healthy relationship when they have a mental disorder. Relationships are difficult on a good day, even with two healthy motivated adults. But when a mental disorder is included – it requires a CONCENTRATED effort just to maintain an acceptable level of function.
Your wife is not doing anything. She yells at you with no sign of claiming it as her responsibility. She’s letting herself go in her physical health. She is deteriorating socially. She isn’t taking steps to handle her bipolar etc.
These things compound overtime, the worse you become the quick you get worse. Then you get to aplace that’s so low and embedded in your psychy that you never turn around.
So here is the stone cold reality… you will decline as well. You will be beaten down more and more and more and more. As days, months and years go by you barely even notice as you accept this new low.
Then you wake up one day and realize how empty and hellish your life is.
And you hear it all the time “oh but I love them, oh but I love them.” Love is not rare, it’s not even special and this isn’t really love – it’s addiction and habit.
She isbt going to improve unless she makes the decision – and even then it won’t improve drastically. Over the course of 5 years your life should converge on more freedom, more support, more healthy love, more friends and wider social circle. But it isn’t, it’s going the other way… and you want to sign up for a life time kf this? That’s very very unwise.
I don’t think the issue you have with her is mental health. I think the issue you have is she isn’t taking responsibility for the issues. Getting through health problems together is tough, but it can be done, whether they are physical or mental health issues. But it really requires both people being honest, taking responsibility for their own actions, and the person who is struggling being appreciative of the extra effort that puts on their partner. It also absolutely requires the person with health problems working with medical professionals to the best of their ability and resources to deal with the problems as best as is medically possible.
It does not sound like she is doing those things, and I don’t think that’s because she has mental health issues. I think that is just a flaw within her. And if she won’t admit she has that flaw, then she’s not going to work to change it, and there is no chance of this relationship becoming truly good.
People can work through a lot in a relationship, but not without both people agreeing on what the problems are and what needs to change. You two don’t seem to have that, and so I think you need to break up. Not because she is mentally ill,but because she is okay with how she treats you.
> I have hope that she can become the version of herself that I fell in love with again. But it has been years now and things have gotten worse rather than better,
I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but I’m afraid you might need to consider that the version you fell in love with wasn’t who she really is.
Who you fell in love with no longer exists- she has changed far too much and unfortunately not for the better, and has no desire to work on or change yourself. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells constantly. You need to sit her down and tell her how you’ve been feeling, tell her everything you’ve said in this post, and if she will not try to help herself, you need to prioritize your own mental health and leave. Do not let someone who is destroying themself bring you down with them.
BPD is a really rough one. My late boyfriend was diagnosed with this (not what he died from) but struggled horribly with emotional and weight regulation.
I’m with someone new now who is far easier to deal with after coming off the BPD train and as much as I miss the utter fuck out of him, I’m relieved that I’m no longer in that relationship. I saw so many widows suffer suicides because of it.
I will never in my life enter another BPD relationship (I’m sorry guys, I love you, but you seriously fuck with normal people’s mental health, I’ll have you as friends forever, but never again as lovers).
Sorry OP. I honestly think you should run