My (28F), I guess ex fiance (29M), I don’t even know, has been having issues mentally lately. At first it just seemed like he was down, then a few weeks ago he questioned my feelings for him which he has never done before basically admitting it was him who was questioning things. He claimed he just feels nothing and doesn’t care to exist. We talked through it, he said he was overthinking everything because of the way he was feeling but he wanted to work on it. He said he knows he goes through these periods sometimes, this is just the first time in the over two years we’ve been together it’s happened. It was hard for me to accept but I tried to just be there for him without pressuring things. We resumed normal things like sex (that never stopped and we never fought more than the usual bickering couples sometimes do) and he just said to trust things would get better, so I tried to do that.
Things were not getting better, one day he just stopped any affection at all. I brought it up the next day cause he asked why I seemed sad, and it sparked this whole conversation about how he just doesn’t feel the same way he used to and doesn’t know why, that all of his emotions are just off and he thinks he might be bipolar based on research he’s done. That hurt to hear (not the bipolar part, the not feeling the same), so I said well I guess if you don’t feel that way about me anymore, there’s nothing else we can do. I feel no different other than sad, I still love him and am in love with him but he made it sound like he just wasn’t anymore. So I spent the night alone crying and wondering what to do (we own a house together and I can’t afford it on my own, stupid I know). Well the next day he wakes up and asks what we are. I say I don’t know, you seemed like you didn’t want to be together so I guess housemates? He said ‘well maybe I can get those feelings back’ to which I replied you said you already tried and it hasn’t worked. He went quiet and said in all the time he’s known me, he’s never known my reactions to be this way. That he would feel better if I was mad instead of just kind of numb (ditto dude, you being numb is what is calling all this) and I said ‘I am mad. I’m furious. And I’m sad, and I feel worthless’. He didn’t respond. I was crying at this point and I told him I was just trying to keep it together because I didn’t want either of us to be uncomfortable in our own home, and I wasn’t going to be hostile towards him even though my heart was broken. We continued the rest of the day as normal, cooking dinner together and being civil but no affection or attempts at reconciling.
Since then, I’ve only seen him for a few minutes at a time as we have opposite schedules. He was late leaving to work yesterday so when I came in from work it was awkward. I said ‘you know you can touch me unless you just don’t want to’ to which he replied it was just awkward. I said it was him making it awkward, I still love him. I had also sent him a text telling him my friend was coming over and that I hoped he had a good day and I love him no matter what, which was ignored. I sent this while still at work so I don’t know if he would have responded had I not walked in as he was leaving. I’m just so sad, this came out of nowhere and I feel like I’m in limbo. I don’t know if I should keep trying and he’ll get out of this funk or if he’s just done and blaming it on something else to make it hurt less. He is brutally honest, so the fact that he keeps going back and forth is kind of indicating maybe he doesn’t know either, but maybe he just knows our situation is complicated so he doesn’t want to just have to figure out what to do with the house.
Do I just give up and live like a ghost in my own home until he decides? I struggle with mental health so I don’t want to just not take that into account. He won’t go talk to someone or up his current meds which I think would help so it’s like you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. My family all says keep trying but am I just being stupid? Is he done with me and I’m holding on to nothing because I want to badly to be with him?
TL;DR: No idea which way is up. Fiance struggling mentally, not sure if our relationship is over and if I should continue to try and work on things or if he is really just saying he’s done while trying to spare my feelings. Trying to respect mental illness but no effort to get better on his part, so maybe I should be done anyway.
ETA: He is more than likely autistic. Struggles with emotions and empathy as it is, and was never super affectionate. He shows his love in many other ways, like making the bed and doing the dishes before I get off work which he had done yesterday. I am wondering if he doesn’t know how to reach out and maybe feels uncomfortable doing so? He is also a prison guard on night shift which he is super unhappy with so I also know that is contributing to things.
2 comments
It sounds like he’s having an episode and needs help. If he thinks he’s bipolar, is he going to a doctor or anything?
Just so you know, a lot of people have these passive suicidal thoughts when they are in a depressive episode. I have experienced them myself and NOT had an intention or plan to follow through with suicide. I have been on the other side and had a loved one express similar thoughts to me, and it IS scary! I am also NOT a mental professional.
I have had experience with people who have these cycles of stress leading to a BIG, prolonged depressive/mental health episode, or simply something biological happening. These episodes can last months or even years.
It’s frustrating to be around and it’s my choice. I do my best not to internalize it and be communicative. “Hey, I know you are stressed and depressed, but this is affecting me.”
TELL HIM that you NEED him to make an effort at being affectionate, baby steps like holding hands are ok. He can have space to decompress, it doesn’t have to be every day, but you clearly need that, miss that, and feel heartbroken. You can also make an effort, peck him on the cheek, smile at him, ask for a hug. TELL HIM you would like for him to reach out and share what his thoughts are.
His energy sounds SO low. Also, correctional officer jobs, that…super sucks. I feel for him and for you.
His attitude about medication is a bit of a roadblock. His communication skills sound like a roadblock, too. I would ask him, “I would really like for you to see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I truly believe it would help you more than your doctor is right now. Psychiatrists work with people, not just medications. A diagnosis can sometimes take a long time. Think about it. Also, if you’re not into therapy, I heard workbooks can be just as effective. Are you willing to take action about this?”
He also could look for another job but the CO path to law enforcement officer path is imo a lateral move, will be stressful in a different way, and I don’t know what his skills are like/what opportunities are in your area.
As I see it, here are your choices:
1) attempt to ride this out, fan the flames. John Gottman has many books that you can do together as a couple and get for free from a library, or that are relatively inexpensive. If you have the money, you yourself can get therapy. Or do workbooks, those are just as good IF you put the work in. I am a big fan of cognitive behavioral therapy.
Couples counseling, if affordable, also may help, though it will help you both learn how to communicate better with each other, not help change his brain chemistry, remove the underlying stressors, give him a diagnosis. The therapist WILL NOT and SHOULD NOT recommend a path forward, like, their job is NOT to tell you to stay together or not.
Know that this cycle will likely continue as he has a self-reported pattern of these episodes. Also know that episodes like this can last months or years.
2) Decide you are heartbroken/prioritizing your mental health, and that you need to move on. This decision will be very hard, because change is hard. You share a home. I had an ex move out, and while it was a rental, it was still emotionally and logistically complicated. If you find yourself holding on to resentment or him not taking steps to help himself or both, this decision could benefit you even though it has the greatest upfront cost.
3) Continue to do nothing. Stay unreconciled and remain as housemates. Hope that one month or year he handles stress better, his depression resolves itself for another period of x years, or both.
I do not recommend number three for you.