I was cleaning the bathroom and some water flowed out onto the bedroom floor. I mopped most of it up to the best of my ability, the floor was still a little wet but I thought this was within reasonable limits. Chilled in the bedroom for a while, husband joined me and we had a small disagreement about something – we were both a little frustrated but nothing major. We left the bedroom after that.
I went out to run errands and got a text that he’d gone into the bedroom again, slipped and fallen down. I apologised and said I’d mopped the floor several times. When I got back home, I apologised again and said we had both walked on that floor earlier, so I thought it was fine.
This is when he got very angry, and said I was victim-blaming. He compared it to a worksite accident, saying if three workers are asked to scale a building without safety equipment, but only the third one falls, am I going to say: “Well, the first two didn’t fall.” I tried to explain that I wasn’t blaming him for falling, just trying to explain why I thought it was safe.
This just made him even angrier, because he felt I was being defensive and not apologetic enough. I got angry too because I had just spent two hours scrubbing the bathroom without a thank you. When I brought this up, he said he does other things around the house, and in any case I could have cleaned the whole house but if he still slipped and fell due to my negligence, that negates everything. We ended up screaming at each other, he kicked some empty cardboard boxes around the house in a fit of rage and I ended up crying.
Later on, when he had calmed down somewhat, he said the majority of reasonable people would have agreed with his point of view. He said I should have just apologised unreservedly from the start, instead of being defensive and blaming him for what was clearly my fault. He also said that while he may have anger management issues, but I have judgment issues – i.e. I don’t phrase things correctly, and double down when I should just apologise. I acknowledge that this does happen, but in this case I really wasn’t trying to be defensive – just to explain things.
He also said that he will work on his anger, but at the same time I should develop a better sense of judgment, and take every opportunity to de-escalate the situation, because once he passes a certain threshold of anger then he feels that I deserve the yelling that I get. Which…ok I know I’m messed up, it makes sense in a way and yet it doesn’t. He’s a much more logical thinker than I am, I tried to say that everything I did to piss him off is unintentional but all the yelling was intentional. He said it’s the outcome that matters, and after all he was the one who was hurt because he fell. Which also…makes sense?
These fights don’t happen often, but when they do I just feel so confused and muddled for a long time afterwards, and it feels like something breaks between us. I brought this up too, and he just said, well then you shouldn’t make me so angry then.
5 comments
You should try the kiss and make up technique. Just make a naughty face when it gets intense.. It will work..
Sounds like a complete overreaction. What does he do when someone mops the kitchen floor (going to go out on a limb here and assume someone is always you)? I’d ask him to stop at the hardware store to pick up one of those yellow ‘wet floor’ things so that you can ensure his safety next time you mop – because you don’t want to get sued for workplace negligence and as your boss he’s responsible for making sure you have the right tools for the job.
>double down when I should just apologise. I acknowledge that this does happen, but in this case I really wasn’t trying to be defensive – just to explain things.
This is being defensive.
>He also said that he will work on his anger, but at the same time I should develop a better sense of judgment, and take every opportunity to de-escalate the situation, because once he passes a certain threshold of anger then he feels that I deserve the yelling that I get.
This is being a dickhead. I’d rather be defensive tbh.
Seriously. Why is it for you to take every opportunity to deescalate? It doesn’t sound like he is taking responsibility for his anger issues. He’s implying that at some point he has no control, and therefore can’t be held responsible for his actions. That in that case, you must be held responsible. That’s bs and a massive red flag.
>He’s a much more logical thinker than I am
If he were so logical, he wouldn’t be losing his cool like this. Is it possible that you say this because *he has told you this over and over* in some form?
>These fights don’t happen often, but when they do I just feel so confused and muddled for a long time afterward
This is typically how one feels after someone gaslights them like this.
You are not in the wrong. I mean sure, the floor got wet and he slipped. But his response is not logical, nor is it helpful or acceptable.
He is exhibiting scary signs of anger management issues, and is not recognising at all the role that he has to play in that.
Reasonable people would not have agreed with his point of view, because he is not a victim, he just had an accident. Accidents happen. You didn’t hatch a plan, pour water on the floor and purposefully put him in a dangerous situation. You didn’t victimize him. You did an every day chore that can sometimes lead to accidents. If he was a reasonable person, he would see that. He is not being logical, he is being abusive. The fact that he feels the need to blame you for the fact that he wasn’t careful on a recently washed floor is absolutely ridiculous. The fact that he even blames you for not de-escalating his own behaviour and says you deserve being yelled at because of it is even worse. And, just FYI, anyone who says “you shouldn’t make me so angry” is not a good person. I’d also like to point out his comparing it to a worksite accident where workers are told to scale a building without safety equipment. First of all, that is incredible apples to oranges. But what really stands out to me is that he believes the workers have no responsibility for their own actions. The workers could just say no and avoid a dangerous situation. You know, like someone could choose not to walk on a wet, slippery floor.
>the floor was still a little wet but I thought this was within reasonable limits.
i call this BS. Either you dry the floor or you don’t.
if i lived alone, heck i can let the floor be a wadding pool, but if i am living with someone, first thing i tell them,….. the floor is wet. Be careful. Why? because it’s not part of my plan to visit the emmerncy hospital.