My husband (M31) and I (F29) have been married for 1.5 years, together for 4, almost 5 years.
He always has his phone on him. Like, always. He’s not always using it, but he has it with him. It never made me suspicious because I know some other people like that. If anything, it’d just annoy me when we were doing things together, like eating dinner at a restaurant or walking the dogs, and he’d pull out his phone.
Recently I started to get a little paranoid, I guess. A good friend discovered that her fiance was having an affair with his co-worker and she said his phone usage and constantly having it on him was a red flag that she didn’t realize until after the fact. She basically told me that my husband was always guarding his phone, I should be concerned.
I can’t really think of many times where I’ve had to use his phone. There have only been a few occasions recent enough to remember and I asked to use his phone to take a picture because my phone doesn’t take as nice pics. He would always sort of sigh or roll his eyes and then hand me the phone with the camera already up and ready.
I admit that I let my friend’s warning get to me. I hadn’t been suspicious of him cheating on me before, but I realized he maybe does guard his phone. Plus, my friend and her fiance had a relationship most people would be jealous of, from the outside. So to find out he was cheating on her was really shocking. Here I thought he was nicer than my husband, they shared more interests than my husband and I do, he seemed to do absolutely anything for her. If he could be cheating in her, maybe my husband could be cheating on me. I regret letting myself feel so paranoid with what amounted to very little evidence.
Anyway, I decided I was going to look at his phone just to make myself feel better. It was during my attempts to look at his phone when I realized how much he really never leaves it anywhere. It’s always in his hand or pocket. After several days, I realized I’d just have to wait for him to be asleep. I was planning to snoop Friday night, but he decided he was going to stay up all night long. He literally stayed up all night and did not sleep at all. He didn’t go to bed until 11:00 on Saturday night!
So once he was snoring I carefully took his phone and was easily able to guess his passcode. So, I guess that’s one good sign. It’s something he’d have to know I’d guess. I tried to quickly look through everything – photos, texts, apps. Absolutely no evidence of cheating at all. I see no other women on his phone in any way. But, I still found something disturbing.
He has a group chat with 4-5 guys from work. The name of the group was not obvious as to what/who it was, so I opened it. I scrolled through it a bit and nude photos caught my eye. One of his co-workers had shared nude photos of a woman he recently slept with. They were all congratulating him and making lewd comments about her body and one of them said “I think I see some bologna down there though. Hard pass for me.” They, including my husband, continued to joke about it.
Then the guy who posted the pictures asked my husband what he was laughing at since he’s the married one who probably isn’t getting any from me anymore. Then my husband shared several nude photos of me, my full body including my face. These were pictures I’d taken and sent to him, intended only for him. He said “This is what I stick my dick in every night, boys. Every. Night.” Then he shared one of me with an apron on, nothing else. He said “And I’ve trained her well too. Dinner ready at 5, pussy ready by 6.” His co-workers were making comments like “Dem titties” “Schwing” and “We salute you.” It was so incredibly embarrassing and my husband was lapping it up. These are men that I know and will inevitably have to see again one day.
Then one of them jokingly said “I don’t know, is that bologna I see? I need a better visual.” My husband sent a close up of my crotch and said that it tastes as good as it looks, no bologna in sight.
One guy said something about how my husband should enjoy it while he can because my body will never be the same after having a baby. They also referenced something intimate that happened between my husband and I in a car when he came home from a business trip. That happened months ago, but it was obvious he had told them about it. My husband, who has been actively talking to me about having a baby, said “You think I’d taint this for a smelly, whiny, annoying little jerk? Maybe we can adopt.” My husband has been the one trying to convince me to have a baby! I’m the one who isn’t ready.
I’m devastated and feel so violated. I trusted him with those intimate photos and moments. I enjoy sending him naughty photos because I know how much he loves it. He’s really turned on by a bit of kink and a little risqué behavior secretly in semi-public but where it’s still hidden and just between us. I give him all of that and now I find out he’s been telling his buddies? If I found out he had just been telling them about personal moments between us, I’d be embarrassed and hurt, but sharing pictures of me and seeing him encourage these comments (and also make sexist comments about other women) was disgusting. I never gave him consent to share any of these things.
I haven’t told him about what I saw. I’m trying to determine the best course of action. I don’t really want to admit that I was snooping on his phone. It feels pathetic and I think he’ll probably try to turn the whole thing around and make it about me looking at his phone without his permission. At the same time, I don’t want to play the fool and act like I am unaware of what he’s been sharing and saying about me. I can’t imagine ever facing his co-workers again either. I sort of feel like it might be easier to just try to pretend like I didn’t see a thing and ignore it because I know it’ll probably turn into some big argument and then what? He can go tell them what a paranoid witch I am?
Do you think it’s best to confront him and admit that I was snooping, or just try to move on? Is there any way to broach the topic without having to admit I snooped on his phone? What would be a constructive way to address the topic to hopefully avoid it just turning into a fruitless argument?
TLDR: I snooped on my husband’s phone and discovered that he shared nude photos of me and intimate details about our sex life with his co-workers. I’m unsure if/how to bring this up with him.