I’m 33F and he is 36M doesnt want to commit because I dont have a degree / job in US.. yet. Fair or not?
We met on Bumble in 2021 when he was in Mumbai living with his parents during COVID.
A little about him- an over-achiever, never gives up, works for what he wants (even me), “over-practical” and a “planner” and works in one of the TOP tech companies in Bay Area
This is me – emotional, empathetic, go-with-flow attitude, work first-personal life second 🙁
On our first date, I remember telling him how my current job gave me everything (could finally afford international trips every year, a personal car, a decent lifestyle for my family) except ‘balance’ ( i had absolutely no life apart from work), how I wanted to get out of India, explore opportunities abroad and maybe take a break with enough savings and go on a crazy dream road trip with my best friend etc.
With time we got “close” (physically & emotionally). Introduced each other to our respective families till it was time for him to go back to the States for his job.
Before leaving, my typical Indian parents asked him about future plans (with respect to marriage), when he placed his nom-negotiable’s in front of us.
1) I have to stay with him in US, see his lifestyle
& figure out if I can adjust.
2) I will have to do Masters or an MBA to get a job.
I quit my job, ditched my road-trip plan with my girlfriend and to fulfil his non negotiable- left for the States and started preparing for GRE.
Getting back to studies after nearly 8 -9 years was HARD.
But I knew that was the only way to be with him. However, that’s when things started to get complex. His ENTIRE focus shifted to getting me back to studies and love took a back seat.
I was constantly compared to him and his friends (10 years ago when they were doing their masters). No heart to heart conversations, no dates, no 1st year anniversary celebration.. nothing. Only stress regarding deadlines, application’s etc.
I managed to get an accept from a University in Cali and one in Chicago without answering GRE (my 9 years of work experience and amazing recommendations in some leading financial institutions helped me here).
Before taking a call, without revealing my Cali university acceptance , ‘I will do an MBA . Now can we discuss about us? About having a future? About marriage?’
He rejected! His next concern was ‘what after an MBA? Where are you gonna work? Tell me your concrete plan? You couldnt do GRE despite quitting your job how will you do an MBA after marriage?”
I was upset. I decided to go ahead with university in Chicago. I sold my 2 year old car, my stocks, used up all my savings to pay my tuition. My father(73 year old) kept his house on collateral to support my education. (Low key they weren’t happy because their concern was me to get married first and then do whatever the heck i want. I don’t blame them!)
Its been a year. Mr California never gave up on me and me being an emotional fool that i am also entertained him. Its nearly a year now (in Chicago). His opinion hasn’t changed about marriage with me.
First degree and then a job in Bay Area.
All heavy things should be taken care before marriage and family.
I feel terrible and small for never being consulted -what I want. I have lost motivation to applying for internships, jobs because he was one of the reasons I took this decision. I agree he pushed me for the things I shared with him on our first date but it feels very ‘conditional’. I am confused. Though I want to be in a relationship, live with my partner etc. i am always made to feel horrible about having such desires over career , ambitions.
I feel pressured because the ONLY way to be with him is a degree + job in Bay area.
Not an hour goes by where I do not question myself – Am I not worthy his time?