my partner (56M) abused me (26F) few years ago, now our relationship is nice but sth is off, I don’t know what to do

The abuse happened three years ago. We were dating briefly, ended up in an intimate situation, and I told him I’m not ready for sex, which he didn’t respect and basically raped me. I was shocked and didn’t know what to do. It felt I wasn’t there anymore and he acted as if nothing happened. I didn’t know how to tell him how I felt.

I cried all the way home (I lived in a different city then). I couldn’t tell anyone, I was too ashamed and afraid as hell that I could have got pregnant. I couldn’t remember almost anything, not mentioning whether we used contraception. It was terrible and I was ashamed to talk to him. We had a weird relationship then, where I think I thought of him as of an authority, someone experienced and wise whom I could have trusted. I didn’t know what to think. This was my first sexual encounter and I thought that maybe it happens like that.

Few months later I moved to the city he lived in (not to his place) and started a job I got partially thanks to his contacts. We kept on dating but I felt like all of it doesn’t add up. I felt repulsed by the memory of that time. When we finally talked about it (I told him how I felt), he claimed he didn’t hear me saying that I wasn’t ready and I felt I expressed clearly and loudly enough. It made me feel strange. After a while I stopped seeing him but was afraid because he really acted dramatically about it, repeating how he loves me and so on.

After that I was in two other relationships, inbetween which I dated him for few months again. It felt he is super special and it’s something extraordinary to date someone who has much more lifw experience. It felt adventurous, yet again was haunted by the past and stopped seing him again.

started dating him again last July. Since then we had multiple conversations about the rape situation, he apologized me many times and I feel it’s sincere, though I still cannot grasp how such situation could have taken place, especially with him being much older and more experienced, from whom I did not expect such a disinterest in whether I give consent to that or not.

Anyways, for months now we have been dating and talking honestly about all kind of stuff and I often feel good about it, he is nice, affectionate, caring, eager to help, very fascinating and knowledgeable person with whom I share many interests. Yet, something is off. It’s very difficult to say but I quite often feel that I should just leave it behind because that way it will be easier for me to get over my difficulties related to the abuse. More than that, I feel both excited and repulsed by this huge age gap we have. I feel kind of special to date a guy who has significantly more of life experiences and great stories to tell and he treats me as if I was love of his life and stuff like that, he’s very caring and romantic. We get on very well and are supportive to each other. On the other side, I often feel reluctant and sad about how we are not on the same stage in life and we’ll never be and as I’m getting older I will miss the chance to feel how it is to just share the experience of growing up and establishing your place in life alongside your partner. It feels I’m late for something he’s already been through. There is this strange feeling of agelessness when I’m with him, as if we were pretending this gap doesn’t exist and these huge differences between us weren’t there. I’m not sure I’m attracted to him sexually. In sexual matters I’m often scarred due to that event from the past.

Now I’m in therapy and recently I learned about sth called „smart mind”, being a compilation of what the heart and reason tell you. It takes your emotions into consideration but also cares for your values and goals. It’s a bit like intuition. According to my intuition I know the relationship might be nice but if it does not feel right and good at all times, maybe I should let it go. I don’t know. I feel like I’m on this carousel and moving around, I constantly change the way I look at the relationship. I feel calm and loved, then afraid, repulsed and regretful.

I told about it to some friends and most of them were concerned and thought it’s not normal to go on dating someone after such a thing. I don’t know what is normal, my judgements change all the time. It’s very difficult for me to imagine breaking up with him but I wonder whether I didn’t become emotionally attached to him as a result of trauma, in a sense that I’m afraid to leave him.

I have felt lost for a long time and I feel stupid about mentioning it to any of my friends again, because it makes me feel ashamed. On the other hand, I don’t feel wholly confident about the relationship, as if I was pretending it’s all fine but deep down something is off.

I needed to say all that out loud and I’d be grateful for any of your thoughts on the matter, but don’t be too harsh, please