TLDR// I (23M) forgot about applying to a job, my brother (24M) is mad that I didn’t and is also mad that our parents are showing favoritism. I am unsure on if I should apologize and make peace, or if I need to go no contact.
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Hello kind readers, I am in a predicament. This will be a bit long to get background on our family dynamic and history. I’m also quite tired since I’ve been getting calls until late last night, I just don’t know what I can do anymore. Excuse any poor grammar, writing is not my strong suit and my mind is a mess right now.
My brother, Todd, and I have never really gotten along since we were in high school (parents divorce, a much longer story) and I have been low contact with him for a couple of years now. I still love him, but he always seems to cause some sort of heartache. However, since I am no longer in the picture, he has been bothering our mother about some heirloom my granddad passed on to her, along with a fortune of money that she is apparently hiding (there is none). He is also trying to claim that there is blatant favoritism towards me, and that all he wants is an apology from our mother.
Growing up, however, Todd has been the golden child since we were kids. He had rent, utilities, a lease on his car, groceries, allowance, etc. All paid for by our parents. Our parents also paid for his girlfriend, Jordan, for 8–9 months after she followed him to his college. She did not pay a cent for utilities or extra items after said months.
On the other hand, I have been pretty independent since we graduated from high school, and only recently have I begun to ask and accept help. Since in the past, my parents would tell me that I couldn’t have a car since Todd totaled his second and third car, and that I’d have to wait until they could save up (including driving lessons). Or that I had to take over Todd’s household chores due to him being gone for unknown hours or even days at a time, and that I have to be the bigger person and agree with whatever claims he made about or to me because if I didn’t, he would make things difficult for our family.
The past two years I have made leaps and bounds to improve my familial relationships, and my parents have acknowledged how they had set my needs aside to take care of Todd since I was the easier child to take care of.
Recently, I have been casually looking for jobs while I am in school, since I am now low on funds from paying tuition out of pocket. My parents have been amazing with their support and have been sending me jobs to apply for. One of the jobs that my parents are pushing me to apply for is a government job underneath our dad’s position. I said I would look and apply. The job was a full-time position and about an hour and fifteen commute, so I was mulling it over. I applied to a handful of other govt positions in my county (not the county my dad works for) and forgot about the position.
Todd later overheard our dad talking with his HR friends about how I haven’t applied to their position. Which I had told my mom I had, since I thought it was in the bulk of applications I sent out. I know that it was irresponsible of me to not keep track, I also did not know that this position was created for me. I did not want to work for my dad through nepotism, and I wanted to find a part-time job close to home.
Furthermore, I also have already talked to my parents about how I did not want to work for our dad’s county in the past many times.Anyway, Todd told my mom that he had something important to tell her and invited her out for dinner. He wanted to catch up and tell her how I was lying to everyone and that I must be hiding more from them.I talk with my mom after she got back, and it was fine. She also agreed that the position was not what I needed at the moment and that she would shift her focus to jobs nearby.
Todd then calls me later at around 10:30 pm to tell me about how awful I am and that I should never call or text him, his girlfriend (Jordan) or my dad again for job help. I tried to talk to him, he talked over me and kept saying how mad our parents were and how that no one would help me again.I have never asked for help from him or my parents, they are sending me job links on their own even after I told them that I am able to find them myself.Anyway, after about five or so minutes of him telling me how much of a liar and how no one could ever trust me again, I told him I was done listening to him and hung up.
The next day, he calls my mom while she was working to tell her about how awful and how I am ruining our family’s name(??) by not applying to this one job. My mom apologized for not knowing how important this was to him and that she had already talked to me. That this situation is being blown out of proportion and that if anything he needs to talk to me. He ignores that and then gets upset that I didn’t apply to Jordan’s work.And they did give me the link to the company a few months ago. This position is also full-time and even further than the job our dad gave. I had said that if anything closer to me opened up, I would apply. And none did.Apparently I needed to apply to any open position and say that even though I applied to *City B* I want a position 30 miles away in *City A*. Which doesn’t make sense to me, especially for a minimum wage position.
He said some more hurtful things about me, and then my mom set her phone down to do some work as he continued to talk about the same things for the next few minutes. He got mad that she wasn’t listening and hung up on her before sending huge text paragraphs saying how disrespectful and awful she was to him and that she never listens to him, that she could never apologize for her favoritism towards me and that she never did anything for him. And that he was suddenly very angry about the Jordan’s good name being ruined by asking her boss if they could refer someone later.
My mom tells me that I need to just apply and do what he said to smooth things over, I said no since I feel as if we should step back and wait for this situation to settle down a bit before having any more conversations on this subject.
My mom in the past has always had an issue with leaving Todd unhappy. She paid for a total of 4 cars when he would total them, apologized to him for causing him such a tumultuous life after the divorce, provided him with everything he wanted and would apologize even when he would scream at her that she never loved him. She has bitten so many bullets in order to keep the peace and to keep him happy.
So, since I refused to do anything with Todd for the time being, our mom apologizes to Jordan for asking her for help to find me a job. Jordan sent six paragraphs which said that she wouldn’t accept the apology until she apologizes for disrespecting Todd for our family’s favoritism over our entire lives.
Our mom decided to bring in our dad into the conversation, and he just said that it is within our best interest to try to make peace.
I disagree and want to continue my low contact and even do no contact. At the same time, I still love him. He used to be my closest friend and a person I could tell anything to. Honestly, this time I cried a lot for our broken relationship. I desperately wish I could turn back time and did what I could to prevent this. At the same time, I wish I could just leave this behind me and move on.
I am beginning to think about my past and relationship with him. Was I the favorite? I am beginning to feel that his words might have truth to them. That maybe my experiences were clouded by bias or something else. I am so confused about how to go about this. Should I apologize and try to make up with my brother again?He *has* been trying to reconnect again, asking me to schedule dinners with him and our dad, taking my mom out, and he has been trying to get me a job.
Maybe I’ve been unreasonable with my job expectations? I guess I could work full-time and be in school.
I fear that I am falling back into what I am comfortable with again, and that if I fulfill his wishes for pushing for another apology, I may be breaking the boundaries I promised to protect myself with.
I also would like to have my brother’s support again, and if I can salvage our relationship, I’d want that. And maybe through patience and forgiveness, I could see that side of him again.Is there any way to salvage our relationship? Or is it long past the point of return? Should I call him and acknowledge my part in this?My mind is so jumbled right now, any help is greatly appreciated. If there are any books or articles that are recommended, I could use any support.
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Thank you for your time.