I’ve been dating someone for ten months now. We actually first met back in November 2021 and casually dated for a bit but back in May 2023 we got got back in touch and started properly dating. We became exclusive in November 2023. This is my first real relationship and I really struggled with trust issues in that I struggled to open up to him which is partly why things moved a bit slowly. He is the first and only person I have ever slept with – I don’t think that’s a major big deal but I’m conscious it may play a part in my attachment to him.
The problem is that he is just not meeting my needs. I have really struggled with communication from him – he runs his own company which has had some big developments recently and he works really hard. Work is his priority which I’ve never had a problem with, especially given how young we are, but it has meant he has sometimes gone completely silent on me or there have been weeks where I haven’t see him. That’s not the kind of relationship I want. Despite that I didn’t doubt that he likes me – a lot of my friends told me to just move on because if he wanted to he would, but I felt like it wasn’t that simple.
In February he and I had a long conversation where I explained that I had been struggling with the lack of communication. Honestly I do think he’s not great with emotions and communication in general. He hardly speaks to or sees his friends or family and I’m pretty sure I’m the person he sees and speaks to most. During our conversation he was genuinely surprised I was unhappy. He admitted that it might the case that he has not had time for a relationship but that he didn’t want to lose me and what we had so he would try to make changes to prioritise me more. I didn’t want him to change who he is, I love who is he is, but I would like a slightly more traditional relationship. Dating him has been really lonely at times. I have the most amazing friends and I love my social life but there is a space only a partner can fill.
I felt really positive after that conversation and so much more secure in how he feels about me and that we do actually want the same things. I know from conversations that we are compatible in our goals for life and also our likes etc. We always have so much fun together and know a lot about each other. I even finally felt ready to introduce him to some friends of mine although I said to him before how important it was to me and to please not meet them if he wasn’t serious about me. We had talked about setting up a regular date night and he said he wanted to go away with me and that he would look into sharing his calendar with me so I knew if something big was happening at work. However his communication still leaves something to be desired. For example, he went away on business for a week and didn’t message – same thing as usual but I wasn’t as upset because I knew where I stood.
But I have reached a point now where I just sadly don’t think he can give me what I need. Recently we had two really scary diagnoses in my close family which has taken a big toll and has meant I have been at hospital every day for the past two weeks. I had told him I was having a tough time and have messaged him to say what was going on but he’s been so absent. He’s now avoiding me because I’ve called him out on being absent (not the first time he has gone silent when I have gotten upset, he’s very much an avoidant person). I posted on Reddit to ask for advice on how to navigate this and build healthy ways for us to deal with conflict and was absolutely shattered by the responses. Multiple people told me that he’s not invested in me, does not want to emotionally support me, is not willing to build a partnership with me. I had to delete the post because I was getting so upset. I’m going to be honest that it was pretty hard to hear but I’ve been thinking a lot and I can’t see how they’re wrong.
Despite that I just feel so devastated and heartbroken. I don’t want to end the relationship and I can’t imagine not having him in my life. I wanted to figure out how we could move forward together. But I know I need a partner who is ready and willing to invest in me and work with me. He’s clearly not, as much as I kept and still do keep hoping. I know I need to wake up and stop being naive.
So I suppose I’m just looking for advice on how to get the strength to end this and how to get through the first stages. Thinking about the things he’s not doing is not helping me. Honestly the way I’m feeling, I feel like I just need him to explicitly end it with me. I’m having a really tough time getting the courage to say goodbye to someone I think is so special and magical and who I love and like so much despite knowing it’s the best thing for me.
Just to say this is not a situation where I can just block him and go no contact. We have things at each other’s houses as well as keys. Thank you for any and all advice. I know this post got very long – I’m clearly very deep in my feelings right now.