TL;DR: Cousin constantly brags about her successes while belittling me. She often body shames me in front of the rest of our family or makes rude remarks about how I dress. She’s really loud and hyper and always wants to be at the center of attention, however she can’t just seek for attention without putting me down. I think she has a problem with me.
So yesterday I went to visit my old aunt (“Carmen”) and her son (“Steve”, an older cousin of mine) with “Jess”, the girl I’m going to tell you about.
Jess and I have been best of friends during the whole duration of middle school up until we were 15 or 16. At that point, we grew apart due to different interests.
There has always been an atmosphere of competitiveness between us. I was an insecure kid mostly because of how I looked. I remember being bullied for my looks and that made me very self-conscious. I now regret taking that out on Jess but Lord, I was 12. I grew out of my teenage insecurities. However, I never directly insulted or body shamed her. I was really moody though and sometimes we would bicker.
I’ve always been the “artist”, she was the “writer” and now she’s the “politician” because she grew out of writing I guess. She joined a party but she spends most of her life in Spain for… Stuff. What she actually does isn’t really clear to me. I only know her mom (another aunt of mine… Shall we call her “Claire?) always humble brags about her achievements to my mom.
Jess also has a brother, “James”. Everyone talks about James like he’s just dumb. He failed school quite a few times and now he’s a pizza delivery guy. I think no one really believed in James since the beginning. I feel for him. She often calls him an idiot.
I don’t really think I know Jess anymore. Talking to her has become impossible. She takes every little occasion to belittle me and to put herself above as a result.
Little petty example from when we were in HS:
Jess: “What is your cosplay for the next comic con going to be?
Me: “I really like Fionna and Cake from Adventure Time”
Jess: “No way you’ll look good. You’re so skinny. Too much for her”
It’s been like this for years, up until now:
Me: “Hey I think you should do something for your bowel if you feel so bad”
Jess: “… Says the anorexic”
Or yesterday, while being with Steve
Kids running on the street: “Excuse me madam!”
Me: *jokingly points out how weird it feels to be called madam*
Steve: “You two are adults now so you better get used to that”
Jess: “She’s the onw they were calling madam. I don’t look my age while she dresses like an old lady.”
I was wearing a sundress for crying out loud.
All these scenarios sound super petty and immature to the point I’m cringing.
Not to mention that:
– She now speaks Spanish and everyone needs to know.
– She started speaking LOUDLY on the phone (in Spanish) while Steve was asking me to show him my recent art, to the point he said “Sorry I can’t hear you because of loud Jess is”
– Shows me the texts she exchanges with her Spanish friends (am I supposed to care?)
– Did I mention she speaks Spanish?
She always interrupts conversations between me and Steve, she always likes to make comments about my looks (my body weight, especially) in front of other people.
She’s loud, hyper, messy, and just “too much” for me because she drains energy from me. I’m like, the quiet and reserved one.
I’m not the only one to find her obnoxious. Sometimes James would just tell her to shut up. Steve often sighs in relief when she leaves, my mom can’t just stand her. Even aunt Claire often tells her to shut up.
I’m sociable but not to the point if being as loud and “in your face” as she is. She’s like a golden retriever on cocaine. I make friends but I don’t constantly brag about how they make me skip the line for clubs and shit like she does. She’s only nice to people who are either new or that can give her something in return of her “friendship”. She often sleeps at people’s places, eats their food, etc. Without giving much in return if not “her presence” (her words not mine).
She always switches between friend groups and can’t keep a romantic relationship.
I’ve always kept quiet while she embarrassed me but I now started to talk back to her. I want to let her know I’m not her doormat to vent all her insecurities on.
I’m smart and I’ve blossomed into a woman after my awkward prepubescent years. I work, I study, I still pursue art. I can hold up a full range of conversations. It took me a decade to learn how to love myself and yet she makes me feel like out of place once again.
My mom insists on the fact she’s a narc and jealous of me. I’m not too sure about that.
She sure has a big ego. I’m now trying to avoid her, however I missed Steve and can’t really see him without her coming along.
Not sure about what to do either. It feels satisfying to talk back to her, even though it’s wrong. I just wish she could shut up for a whole minute.
3 comments
Do you need this woman in your life? Does the label you place on her behavior and personality really change the fact that you don’t enjoy her company and she sounds like a complete drain to be around.
Just stop being around her.
> I’m now trying to avoid her, however I missed Steve and can’t really see him without her coming along.
Why not?
I feel like I missed something; it reads like Steve and Jess are both your cousins, but are not siblings. Why can’t you visit one cousin without a different cousin from a different household in tow? You’re all adults. You’re free to maintain separate relationships.
You don’t like this woman, she’s obnoxious, and she’s alienating your other cousins, your mother, and apparently her own mother. You don’t have to “talk back” in the sense of making mean comments towards her in the same vein that she makes towards you, but you can and should call out her rudeness whenever you don’t ignore it. Avoid her company as much as possible, avoid giving her openings to be an ass by expecting her to be normal and polite, name the behaviour and put the awkwardness of her rudeness back on her when she displays it. “What a crappy thing to say” is a useful stock phrase, as, for that matter, is a simple “wow”. Remember that if you already hate her presence, then a lot of the normal consequences you might worry about for speaking up stop applying: what’s she gonna do if you straight up tell her she’s being a rude asshole and she needs to stop? Shun you? Oh no!
But above all, revisit this assumption that her presence is somehow unavoidable. It sounds like there’s some unspoken “this is just how it is” rule that your family are collectively following where you’re unwilling to apply the consequences of her bad behaviour, and you need to give yourselves and each other permission to stop doing that; don’t invite her to things, turn her away when she invites herself over, shut her down when she makes a rude fool of herself.
Sharing DNA does not mean you’re obligated to spend time with someone. Regardless of what her problem is, exactly, if she’s a pain for you to be around you can phase her out of your life. It’s how adults usually do it. Just stop inviting her to stuff, stop accepting her invites, and just let the relationship fizzle.