I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (25M) for 5 years now. I deeply love him and adore spending time together. He used to love spending time with me and would plan romantic things and give me thoughtful gifts for celebrations. We would always laugh so much and I felt so confident around him but it’s been slowly going downhill.
Recently, his life has gotten a lot more stressful. He started nursing school and it’s been a big life change for him. He still lives with his parents and they’re really close so nursing school had kinda been his first big life stress. His family is also undergoing extreme health issues, it’s like every member of his immediate family and it’s requiring him to care for them, physically and emotionally.
Before his family started to become ill, nursing school had caused a total shift in his temperament and patience when it comes to vulnerability and sadness. I am a lot more in touch with my emotions but also experience depression and anxiety. This has caused him to become very irritable around me and he has started to criticize me all the time. Either I’m not sitting right, being too loud, my appearance is strange, etc. It’s been damaging to my confidence around him. I didn’t notice this level of criticism before he went to nursing but he’s also acknowledged that he hid his hatred towards driving for 3 years into the relationship.
As of this year, he’s said some pretty hurtful things that make me think he doesn’t want to be with me, despite when I ask him if he does he says yes. One being that we have nothing in common so how are we together.
He’s much more laid back then me, very sporty, loves partying, and socializing. While I’m sporty too, it’s not to the same degree as him. Socializing at parties makes me pretty anxious even though I can do well. We both play video games (we played games like fortnite and overwatch nearly every night before he started school), both enjoy movies, and just in general like trying new stuff together. While I wouldn’t say we share direct interests, we always find a way to have fun together doing anything anywhere. But I worry why he brought that up. It came up again today when I was talking about how I looked forward to us eventually moving in together and he told me he didn’t really see relationships that way and takes it day by day – like his school and career (which I don’t quite believe, even his sports passion he commits to months before). He then said maybe our types of expectations don’t go together. I argued that people who are different should be together so they can learn from each other but I’m unsure if that’s actually true in this sense.
The biggest thing I’m concerned about is that his ex girlfriend, who he was in love with before me, started working at the hospital he does his clinical at. I asked him if he still liked her and he said it wasn’t that simple. He expressed that he wasn’t “attached” to her but still liked her. I tried to sympathize with that feeling and explained how I’ve heard that people cheat because serious relationships are less appealing then new ones because of the lack of commitment and inevitable conflict that comes with emotional involvement. He agreed and said that talking to an ex or new relationship feels more “light”. I don’t think he will cheat on me but hearing that sentiment was a gut punch.
He has said he is open to therapy during the next gap in his schooling despite refusing to the last few years. He has issues with shutting down under emotional stress, being cold and critical to his loved ones like his mom (I would say he treats us similarily), and being unable to cope with stress. I plan to wait until he pursues therapy to see if this can help because I see a lot of his problems might be connected to emotional immaturity, lack of regulation tools, and overall hectic home life that he’s trapped in. I have been trying to be as patient as I can.
But idk, can anyone offer me some insight into his behaviour? I’m really embarrassed to ask my therapist about it because she’ll tell me to break up with him (she’s a bit extreme like telling me to quit my job because I’m unhappy but girl I’m poor).
Also if any of his nursing friends see this and recognize him, please don’t send this to him. Thank you.