I’ll preface this all by saying I know I need to talk to her about all of this, but I’m struggling where to start.
My wife and I (M) (mid 30s) have been together for 15 years, married for 10, have one kid (5). We starting dating in college and sex was pretty good. Once we were in the real world, things simmered quite a bit. We’ve had our ups and downs and we’ve both been through therapy (individual and couples.) Through it all, I’ve figured out I’ve got ADHD (diagnosed and medicated) and she’s got sensory processing issues (Nothing officially diagnosed, but she definitely has it.) Her sensory stuff really became apparent after our kid was born. We work great as a team as partners and parents. She’s gotten a lot better at knowing when she’s getting overwhelmed and I’ve gotten better at realizing her triggers and helping when she’s gotten overwhelmed. In the bedroom, we’ve got a lot of work to do.
Basically, sex has to be like this:
Either we’re at a hotel or kid is not in the house. Fresh sheets. Showered recently (both of us). Teeth brushed. Specific music on, but not too loud. I can’t have trimmed my beard too recently and can’t have used anything that has a smell. She keeps her clothes on. Closed mouth kissing. I stimulate her in a very specific way. As little talking as possible. Very little direct stimulation for me (luckily, I haven’t had any problems getting it up. Then when she’s ready, me on top until I finish. Then we go clean up and she usually needs some space to decompress.
I mentioned earlier that I’ve got ADHD. Part of that is when I get in to something, I get really hyper-focused. I feel like I have to keep myself from getting too in to what we’re doing so that I can keep track of what she needs and how she needs it. Another part of my ADHD is I crave variety and novelty. None of which I’m getting right now and I’m starting to feel resent building. I know I need to talk to her about this, but like I said at the start, I don’t know where to begin. I very much DO NOT want her to do anything she’s not comfortable with. Mainly because she is my wife and I love her, but also if her enthusiasm isn’t there, then its a mood killer for me.
I don’t even know where to begin to start this conversation. Sex therapy seems like the solution, but the more I learn about her sensory processing stuff, the less likely it seems like our sex life would ever be something close to fulfilling for me.