So, I’m a 37y.o F. I have no kids. I’ve never been married, but I have been engaged twice. The first time we were really young and marriage is a big decision that I didn’t really want to make with *him*. The second time around, I broke it off because we couldn’t actually make the relationship work. We had so many problems and I wasn’t seeing any effort from him to solve them. I even suggested we go to therapy, which we did once, and then he made excuses as to why he could never make it to other sessions.
Marriage and kids were not something I dreamed of as a little girl. I used to dream of being on TV along side my favorite actresses. I’d pretend I was in episodes of Charmed as a long lost sister, or being interviewed on MTV by Carson Daly. I’ve always been happy enough just to pursue my education and other intellectual interests. To be free to wonder about the parts of the world that I know of but have yet to discover. And I didn’t become particularly boy crazy until after I first had intercourse. He was my 1st love. We actually were each other’s first time. It was really sweet. Even then, and as I got older, I never really had a deep desire for marriage and kids. For true love and a family, yes, but not marriage and kids. They aren’t necessarily the same.
I’ve been in relationships, but haven’t been on a date in a while. When I do date, it’s not because I’m assessing the guy for his marriage potential. It’s because I really enjoy getting all dressed up, doing my hair and makeup, adorning myself in a pretty dress and some jewelry, and misting myself with the most sweetest smelling perfume, which is my favorite part! It makes me happy to be feminine and express my femininity in a romantic way. And, it’s fun to share that part of me with a man who understand and appreciates it.
But it’s been a while since I’ve encountered a man like that. My exes were like that in the beginning, taking me on a date or two, but it stopped, so I stopped being happy. And it’s not like we had to go to the fanciest of places with the most expensive menu every night. I just wanted to get pretty and spend some quality time with him.
That’s still all I want. I want a man that is safe to be with, who I can get pretty for and spend time with. To travel some place we’ve never been before, trying foods and wines we’ve never tasted before. To go on a very romantic adventure with!
I’m a sweetheart. I prefer to be a sweetheart. I prefer to be loving, and caring, and nurturing. I prefer my soft and feminine side. But apparently being black and 37 makes me undesirable? And being black means I’m automatically seen as more masculine? And being a woman automatically means I’m only out for a man’s money, or that I only want a man for the purpose of paying my bills?
Now don’t get me wrong, it would be nice to have some help. Times are hard. But I’m not looking for a dad, and I wouldn’t trust a man I barely know to pay my bills because he could be a psycho who has an immoral relationship with money. I actually have to feel safe with you to let you take care of me financially, or do anything for me, honestly, because I have this deep seated fear of being abused by someone I am dependent on. So, it’s hard for me to be dependent on anyone for anything. I don’t want to be. Actually, I’m scared to be.
And I’m not particularly driven by money. I have career dreams, but my dream job is to make a difference in people’s lives. To make their lives better. I love doing that. I’m pursuing that. It’s my calling, and following my calling means I don’t have money right now because I don’t have a paying job yet. But apparently not having a job as a black woman means I’m lazy, and don’t want to work hard, and just want a man to give me a free ride on his back?
It’s a little heartbreaking to know that there are all of these preconceived notions that someone will have about me. And I’m an understanding person, so I get that it comes from some previous experience, whether directly or indirectly. But I’ve had bad experiences too, and if *I* started hating all men just because of a few bad ones, I might have to question my own intelligence.
I just want to love and be loved in return. To nurture and be nurtured in return. And to have someone to go play golf with on the weekends.
But it seems impossible to find a man who respects me as a human being with thoughts, feelings, dreams, and desires, instead of viewing me a commodity to be bought just because other women advertise themselves that way.