This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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For my anxious attachment homies (lol) out here: What do you do when that anxiety starts creeping in? How do you self-soothe to get yourself into a more secure (or at least self-assured) space? Can you?
I think I’ve come a long way in recognizing when I’m falling into my anxious attachment tendencies, but I’m still working on calming myself in the moment. I’d love to hear what works for you!
I’ve successfully made a few fwbs since I got into the dating pool a few months ago after my marriage ended. It’s been fun dating, meeting new people, and sleeping with them. However, I find myself emotionally connecting to one particular fwb. He’s genuinely so fun to hang out with and is amazing in bed. I love spending time with him when I get to. I’m fearful of creating feelings for him, as we both were very on board with just a fwb thing. My question is- should I end it with him to save both of us the frustration of me catching feelings? I’m fairly certain he has zero feelings back for me.
So I have had two successful dates with the same person and we both know that we want this to happen. However we still need to get to know each other. How can we do that and build a relationship without accidentally smothering the small flame that is there? We’re both excited and eager but I am definitely guilt of smothering by accident. What can I do to help set a pace so we don’t burn out before we have a chance to grow?
I’ve noticed only in the past month or so that I’m getting almost zero replies from guys I’ve matched with on Bumble and reached out to. I never had this problem before, and my profile and tactics haven’t changed.
I’m almost wondering from like a sociological perspective if it’s just a much slower season for dating or something? Maybe more people are feeling dating fatigue or over it after the holidays have passed? I would understand getting less likes or matches, but the fact that it’s specifically bumbles responses is throwing me off.
So I’m a heavy set guy, but I participate in a lot of outdoor sports, and I’m looking to find someone to share some of those passions with. I have had so many women on dates, basically fat shame me and out right say to my face that they didn’t believe I actually did those activities.
Only just discovered this subreddit and it’s actually given me a lot of relief (in a weird sense).
I would go on /r/dating and be so annoyed when people would be like “I’m 23 and bla bla bla” and I’d be stewing and inwardly rolling my eyes slightly because they’re so young it’s just all ahead of them 😂.
For me, I got out of a 6 year relationship and now dating again at 30 (I’m a guy btw) but I’m taking a break from the apps. I was getting frustrated with the ghosting and false starts and hopes up cycles (very common trope I know).
A friend asked when the last time I was on my own and didn’t have a girl to chat to or something going on and it was nearly 7 years ago. I sort of don’t know how to be on my own.
So my ask is this: how do you learn to be okay on your own? I’m doing activities and keeping busy but it feels a bit empty without a romantic interest to talk to. How do you do stuff just for yourself?
I also feel I garner far too much validation from someone being romantically interested in me. It’s like I can’t shake this ‘down horrendous’ mentality and I feel I need to be fancied or get matches on apps to feel okay. I would check the apps constantly and if I had a match it would be a huge relief, and if I didn’t get one or have a non-response I would feel bad about myself. How do you remove the validation spirals? Is it just time? Is there something to focus on?
Absolute diatribe so thanks for reading 😅
Recently turned 30 and I suddenly feel like I’m destined to be a spinster. And in the same breath, I suddenly really want a partner in a way I have absolutely never ever wanted one before. Has anyone else ever felt this way? What did you do?
Girl I had a first date with last week said she wanted to see me again and is now ghosting lol. It’s fine, I was having a hard time getting excited after 4th date girl ended things a few days prior.
Have another first date tonight. She seems fun and quirky so that should at least be a good time.
Being back in the dating scene again, I am doing a few things to help regulate my nervous system:
* When I’m not working, I occupy my time with the things I enjoy doing like cooking new recipes. I also make sure I stay active – lifting weights, playing basketball, hiking, yoga & pilates classes and or something as simple as walking outside.
* When I notice myself getting anxious and overwhelmed, I try to take a step back and ask myself why I feel this way. I also focus on deep breathing during these moments. These feelings & thoughts are only temporary. Sit in your feelings and emotions – don’t try to run away from it which will only make it worse.
* I have a saying where I tell myself I was fine before I met or started dating this person, and I will be fine if it doesn’t work out. Working on self-compassion has been huge.
* If you have the opportunity, talk to a professional like a therapist and if not, hopefully you have a good support system of friends and family you can vent to.
Polite way to ask my date to stop over-texting?
I asked the cute guy out! And he said yes! I have no idea what I’m gonna talk about on the date but I’m making a list! Ahhhhhhhhh!
How long is “long-term relationship” to people? Excluding long distance relationships.
Struggling with not sleeping together
Gf and I spend almost every night together. She’s gone for a while and it’s killing me. I can’t sleep, I’m very emotional and upset, and I can’t be happy.
There’s no anxiety or mistrust. But I don’t understand how losing that can affect me so much
I’ve been going on dates with the same woman for about a month now. She’s fun, funny, intelligent, and dorky in a way that I find attractive and endearing. We have a solid physical connection. We communicate well. We enjoy many of the same activities and have a lot of similar interests. We both don’t want kids and we’re both looking for a long term relationship. It appears to be the foundation of something that could last.
But I feel like something is missing. I don’t have a strong romantic or intimate feeling with her like I’ve had from other women in the past. So now I’m conflicted.
If I’m going to end it, I feel like I should do it soon, so as to lessen the possible hurt feelings. But on the other hand, it might be worth sticking it out for awhile, because maybe that romantic or intimate feeling will develop over time.
Have any of you felt this way before?
Guess I just need to vent…
This past week has been a roller coaster. Only had a few days to process that my guy is leaving this weekend to take care of some family stuff, for an undetermined amount of time… It could be a month, or 4, or 6 months, or more. I’m crushed. (Long-distance isn’t an option).
And I’m gonna have to kill the little sprout of hope in me that says that we could rekindle when he’s back, I can’t put my life on hold when there’s so much uncertainty…. I guess they say “if you love someone, let them go”… it freaking sucks 💔
Deleted the dating apps again. Not a single date since January. I’m a bit selective in who I chat with but even men who match with me first don’t want to chat once I start talking to them 🤷🏼♀️ It feels like it’s been this way ever since I turned 40 (I’m 41f), despite having ‘youngish’ looks and being athletic. I even got a call from the organisers of a dating event I’m attending tomorrow offering to refund my money because there would only be men from ages 28 to 39 there and I had to convince them I was okay with younger men.
In other news, a few friends and I organised a singles offline mixer locally to celebrate another newly divorced friend’s birthday. It was a huge success and we might go into this as a side venture. If I can’t find love, maybe I can help others to 🥹
Ended another mixed signals situation after two months of dating and feel so crummy. The lost potential relationships tend to hurt SO MUCH more than the year long ones. I know this is the worst part and it will get better but man I am sick of this part.
Trying to talk about dating/get advice about dating as someone who receives very little attention, has never been in a relationship etc. just feels like a minefield. I don’t blame my friends but there’s almost nothing anyone can say that doesn’t have a risk of being really hurtful – since basically any advice is inherently critiquing me and the reasons people might not like me. I try to just avoid the topic entirely these days because I don’t want to put anyone in that position including myself, but then at the same time am constantly like what more could I be doing, what’s wrong with me? While also trying to follow the advice of loving myself, “just be confident” and working on my self esteem. It feels like there’s really no way to make it easier.
(Reddit is slightly better for this, but then I also have to deal with people suggesting that as a human woman who breathes, I *must* be getting flooded with attention if I even make a minimal effort to interact with men, and that just makes me feel worse because I most certainly am not even though I work in a field where I’m almost always the only woman in the room and have no deficiency of men in my life lol.)
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It’s been rough after I (M 37) talked and saw this woman ( F37) for two months. We would text all day even while we were both working. But for the past two weeks she had been texting me less and less and now I haven’t heard from her since Tuesday. I sent a message on Wednesday asking her if everything was ok but no response. I to be honest feel devastated. I thought we had made a connection but I guess I was wrong. I have been ghosted.
I’m annoyed with my boyfriend today, so this is a little bit of a rant. We went out for what was supposed to be a celebratory dinner last night but he was on his phone for literally half the dinner checking the score of a sports game. I tried to not let it bother me and have a nice dinner, but I felt like it was so rude and disrespectful and it really disrupted the flow of conversation. I eventually said something and he apologized and put the phone away. It ruined the evening for me, though.
He often checks his phone during meals, but not usually this frequently or for as long. I don’t want to turn into one of those couples that can’t even get through a dinner together without distraction from screens and I don’t want us to take each other for granted. If this keeps happening, I think it’ll need to be a bigger discussion, but I hope he got the message yesterday. Ugh. Anyone else dealt with this?
Maybe I don’t understand them, but I don’t feel prioritized, I feel like I’m someone they spend time with if they have nothing else they want to do, I never get the sense that I am longed for to spend time with. Never spent a weekend day together, plans often changed or cancelled (never unreasonably, but still). I could be a biased narrator though. Sometimes hard to tell if I am just overly sensitive and have too much free time versus something is off.
It’s quite tough to date when you’re not attracted to those guys in your country. Basically busting my arse off to be positive and patient here 🙃
I got a haircut yesterday. My girlfriend of nearly five years has never once acknowledged a haircut. I have ADHD, so it’s always 5-6 months in between, and I always feel like it should be pretty obvious. She’s otherwise very complimentary and it’s a fantastic relationship. I don’t know why this mostly insignificant thing bothers me so much.
I have some conversations like
Me, venting: Yeah, I’m just not dating right now, it’s been too painful/stressful so I just feel better not thinking about it.
Friend (in solid LTR or married): Haha yeah being single is better anyway, relationships are just full of more problems! You’re better off!
Me: …
Like… that’s not how I feel and not the point of what I was saying – I was trying to say I care a lot about finding a partner, but it’s been so incredibly hard for me that it’s easier for me right now to just give up, which is upsetting in its own way but I guess better for me. But the friend makes it out to be like it’s a fun party time being single.
The main issue is I don’t know how to continue the conversation after this? With one friend I tried to clarify because the way she phrased it actually felt really hurtful (esp. because she’d been in an LTR with her boyfriend of 6 years at the time and acted like it was just no big deal/not important to her), but she just got really defensive and the clarification felt pointless. Other times I just laugh and change the subject from dating to something else, but then I don’t like that I’m hiding my real feelings. Dunno.
Well after my post on here and the girl I went on 4 perfect dates with just called ahead of tomorrow’s plans to say she didn’t feel a spark. All because I couldn’t get it up on the first time we tried to have sex last Sunday. Too much pressure on myself. I told her at the time it was that and nothing to do with her. She said she’s not sure and confused because she has been over thinking it all week. She even said on text ‘communication is key’. Well clearly not.
How can someone be so in to you, holding hands. Kissing multiple times during the date. Stroking my hair whilst I was driving. Cuddling on the sofa. Our last date was 10 hours long. Every date we’ve been on has been extended. She even met me 2 days after our second date at a gig where I had my arm around her and she was holding my hand throughout. But suddenly after one bad bedroom experience she sees it as no spark.
Absolutely gutted as i thought after almost a year of terrible dates I’d found someone different. I hate dating. I truly do.
In a “date or wait” scenario and trying to decide my next move. I met this girl over the summer – she was friends with another friend of mine and we went to a music festival together. A few weeks ago we were chatting and she told me about this weekend trip with around 50 people. Went to that with her and gave her a ride both ways. Had a nice time, and while we hung out together here and there we were both mostly socializing and getting to know the other people there. She’s an awesome lady and has all the qualities I’d want in a partner. She is very friendly and cordial to me, but I’m not sure if she wants more. She did mention a few girls she wanted to set me up with during the car ride.
Anyway, we are booked to go on another trip together in a few weeks to South America. We’re flying from different cities but linking up for the connecting flight to the final airport. It’s also a big organized group trip, but she is the only one I’ll know going in. I do want to have at least one reliable travel buddy since its a week long excursion.
I know I need to ask her out at some point or I’ll be kicking myself forever for not asking out a great person. The question I’m asking myself is if it is worth it to go through that before the trip and potentially make things weird if she says no (or if she says yes but the date/dates don’t go well). The other option is to just sit tight, go on the trip as friends (which is also totally fine with me) but also feel it out and see if I get any vibes that remove any doubt about whether it is worth asking. I end up in this situation a lot due to how my social life works – I meet someone, but they quickly become part of my overall friend group/social network and then it becomes too potentially messy when we are doing all sorts of things together as friends, so people (not just me) don’t end up asking each other out. I’ve tried asking out a few girls who fell into this category of “friendly acquaintances who know all my friends and who I see often” and none of them have said yes so far, so I definitely want to be somewhat certain it is worth it to ask. To be clear, I am happy to be friends with these women as they are usually top notch people (otherwise they wouldn’t be in my life). But they also often are the exact type of woman I would be also be happy to date.
What do you guys think? Risk rejection or potential awkwardness with the reward being going on this trip with more clarity (either knowing she only wants to be friends or something more) or delay all that and avoid potential messes or discomfort?
Deep fear setting in that I will never find my person
A few weeks back I went on a “date” with a guy I connected with on Hinge. We started with a walk and then went and grabbed a drink. He was nice and we had some things in common, but it wasn’t really a connection. We chatted a bit more on the app after the date and then I had sent the last message and when he didn’t respond for a week, I unmatched. Totally fine, like I said, it didn’t feel like a connection. But I just ran into him and his kids at the playground with my kids. So awkward!
I should probably start from the beginning, last year I was in the best shape of my life, it seemed like I was living the best period of my life, traveling, although I am very inexperienced in dating.. I went on a vacation and I met my first, yes your reading that right, first gf(early 30s) slightly before going on that trip. I came back and we got physical almost immediately.
intially, my GF does not look like any of the woman I have dated in the past, usually very active and fit women. my gf now is not. she use to be, but has not taken care of herself in years.slowly as we dated since the summer, I have come to know her more. shes very different than myself, I am pretty humanist, shes a spiritual who believes she can cast spells on mushrooms and talks to rocks, or reads tarrot cards. something that concerns me is the number of weapons she has out in her apartment, namely knives for rituals. Another thing is I am very conservative and she is very liberal, from a liberal family. I dont know if I am going to gel with her family in the long run because of my opinions, or even her when I tell her how I feel about somethings I have simply been quiet on because I feel I might have outmoded, problematic, ways of thought. I have tried to respect their voices and opinions more.I see similar behaviors to my emotionally abusive mother, my gf snaps just like my mom does and she gets very defensive and angry, basically shutting down having any conversation on things. its something that has made me pause for a moment at times and recently after we had an argument about going to the dentist, I have like begun to rethink things after about 7 months. she says shes autistic but I am unsure of that, in fact if it weren’t for our shared love of food, shows, and and just trying to be there for each other, I would wonder what we do have in common.I had this nawing feeling in my being that I was doing something wrong when I started dating her, at first I thought it was nerves, but I think i was on a path and dating my gf was not staying on that path that was helping me become the person i wanted to be.now it feels like life made the choice for me to shit or get off the pot, I lost my job and we got into a bit of a tiff, she said she cant be around me when i am depressed about my life.
I dont want to hurt her and I feel like I have led her on all these months. I worry about our future together because I feel trapped by the situation I am in. after I lost my job, I told her a gain how much i hate where we live and she has no intentions of moving. I feel awful. I am depressed since I stopped living for myself and for our future. I have gained 50 pounds back after it took me a year and a half to lose all that weight.
Dating with bipolar disorder as a 30M.
It’s been 8 years since diagnosis and I have not been able to find a LTR since then. While successful in dating before diagnosis, I have gradually put myself out there less and less as a result of rejections and the predatory women that outward vulnerability attracts. It would seem to be a dealbreaker for most, even though I don’t engage in the scary impulsive behaviors that our kind is known for.
While single, I’ve enjoyed a great deal of personal success. electrical engineer, excellent fitness, few vices, financial stability, freedom etc. Mostly, the driving force was the desire to be better so I could attract the mate I want. If only it were so easy.
In these times, the availability of opportunities is very low for single men, especially those who don’t live in major metro areas. Given that I need to have a lot of foot traffic to find one who is ok with my condition, it feels hopeless. When opportunities present, the stress activates mood episodes and quickly exposes that the women were attracted to a temporary mood state and are not actually down with the non-gender conforming weakness I manifest when sick.
I have become involved in community activities where I meet women, and sometimes they are interested initially. A shaky voice or non seductive body language is usually all that is required to flip the switch. It’s gotten me sucked into a vicious cycle of rejection=>low self esteem=>rejection, repeat. Confidence is a product of success would honestly be false advertising if I was able to temporarily synthesize it.
The personal growth and development has been in a negative direction, despite the material successes. I’ve grown more passive, resigned, insecure, and defeatist as efforts borne of renewed optimism leave me feeling lower and even more broken. I recognize that my orientation towards the world is unattractive to women. Women want a stable, strong, confident man who engages with the world and takes charge of his own life. Maybe I deserve my lot though it is hard having been attractive previously. It feels like I just cant expect the same performance out of myself that I used to, that others do. And when I do perform, cant expect the level of performance to sustain.
At the moment, I’m trying to fully commit to being happy with singledom. Not as easy as I’d like to admit when my close relationships are having babies and loneliness has become unbearable. I recognize I could find a partner in a heartbeat, if only I were to lower my standards enough. Still trying to figure out what I have a right to demand, and forget about the time before diagnosis when I could date women whom I was sexually attracted to.
I fear I’ve fallen off to the realm of the undateable, so the options presented, are themselves, undateable. Most online sources and medical resources paint dating someone with Bipolar disorder as extremely challenging. Surely, this dissuades the vast majority. Bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition which can be improved through treatment, yet is incurable. The science is still in its infancy.
How to live as an otherwise attractive (boy? man?) who has been weeded out due to a deficit? Not sure yet, I will keep going and cultivate an open mind and heart. Women who can handle a crying spells, vacillating levels of self-confidence, and frenzied agitation are out there, surely. In the meantime, I’ll continue investing where I am useful, which turns out to be managing and improving your electrical grids.
Not sure why I wanted to tell my story. Reassurance seeking?
I’ve been going out with this guy for about a month, 5 dates. It’s still pretty early. We haven’t slept together (my choice, he’s been super respectful of it), and I’ve enjoyed getting to know him so far. He’s traveling abroad for a few weeks and basically said on our most recent date “see you when i’m back”. We don’t really text a ton beyond setting up plans, which is pretty chill with me. I have a busy life and don’t text anyone on the daily. He’s always the one initiating and setting up the dates which I interpret as a sign of interest. However, I have not heard a peep from this guy in like two weeks which seems weird.
I guess perhaps it’s not where his head’s at. I also recognize that when you’re traveling you probably want to have some fun and enjoy being single, which I would assume he is doing. Would you view this as a red flag if I’m trying to gradually connect with this guy further and build something more stable? Or is this just a guy being a guy and all is fair when not exclusive?
My date she now wants to meet my friends? I could get defensive, yet reality is I have no single close friends of mine, only colleagues, common group mates of my sport club. It gotten this way especially since my 30s.
I want to be honest, and this is a weakness of mine , and so what works or doesn’t work?
Similarly, the reality is if now I got married, I don’t have any close friends whom I would invite itself.
I [30M] have been on a self-fulfillment journey over the last few years, getting my career on track and actually going somewhere with my life that I want to be. While it’s been going well, I’m still not finding the success/confidence I’d hoped I would when it comes to romance. I’m in school for tech, so my social circle at the moment is pretty skewed towards people that are both mostly younger than me and male. The Venn diagram of potential dates who are appropriately aged and in my sphere of experience is basically non-existent.
Most of the advice I tend to see advocates patience and “getting involved with things where you’ll meet the people you’re looking for”, but the sorts of things I enjoy don’t tend to see too much public socializing, even less so with women. Even just setting aside the fact that I’m so busy these days I barely have time for anything outside of school, the few times I’ve been to public things like conventions and whatnot have not seen me successfully making any real connections with anyone.
While I can tell myself “things will be different now, I’m in a much better place mentally, and in a field I’m passionate about”, I can’t shake the feeling that when it comes down to it, it won’t matter, and I’ll end up being too shy and introverted to take advantage of any opportunities I come across. It sometimes feels as though I’ll need to learn to be someone I’m not just to have a fighting chance at finding love, which just seems ridiculous to me.
Does anyone else have any experience like this? It’s very frustrating to make a major shift in my life to put me around more like-minded people and have it really pay off, yet feel like I don’t have any more luck with romance than I did 8 years ago living in my parents’ basement.
I also know that “these things can take time” and it’s not a race, but if anything, hearing stories about people who found their first relationship in their 40s or later don’t really help at all, since I’m less anxious about the prospect of never finding love and moreso frustrated with my continued lack of success right now. I’m already bummed out that I failed to go on more than a single date in my entire 20s, and scared that I don’t really see anything improving moving forward into my 30s.
It’s just at the point where I don’t even know for sure what I should be looking for anymore, or if what I feel I want is even realistic. My first time through undergrad, I didn’t really meet anyone I was super compatible with, and it seems the pool of available women is only getting smaller. I know they must exist, but I just can’t find any of them, and that frustration just serves to make searching less effective. It all kind of coalesces into a ball of baggage that seems unreasonable to expect to find anyone willing to put up with.
I don’t expect it to be easy by any means, but it definitely shouldn’t feel this difficult. And I can’t tell if I actually have a bunch of mental obstacles holding me in place or if I’m actually just too busy to give myself the right opportunities right now. I feel more ready than ever to really try and find a relationship, but still can’t see a way forward beyond just hoping things work out.
This was supposed to be a brief outline and ask for reassurance, but kind of morphed into a rant.