I’m 29, married for 1 year, but we’ve been together for almost 9 years already. We have a loving relationship, and a lot of fun.
We met and started dating i was still serving in the army, i was 21, she had just finished her military service (it’s mandatory where were from).
So basically, all of our “adult/grown up” Kise we’ve been together. But sometimes i just feel like i wish I’d met her later in life, like at university when we were 26. Because she is the woman of my life, and i love her, and i do want to start a family with her.
I feel it because lately I’ve been feeling like i lost a part of my independent self. I’ve been remembering and thinking a lot of things i planned to do after army (like living abroad/travelling much more), and even superficial stuff i wanted to do (different sexual encounters as a single man, different drugs… Superficial stuff.)
I feel like i haven’t evolved in the last few years as my self. I feel i only grew as a couple, but my independent self is stuck somewhere in the past, because i didn’t experience more stuff by my self.
I just needed a place to vent, maybe hear some advice, maybe someone feels something similar.
Thanks for reading
8 comments
I know of someone who has had similar experience. Not the girl but the guy. As the guy took his time growing up, figuring himself out, the girl felt disoriented as their relationship would change, he had different needs and wants he didn’t have earlier (which is understandable). Things had to be redefined, mature talks about topics needed to take place as when they met they were young so perspectives have now changed . What you are feeling effects your partner as well in some ways.
Why can’t you take drugs and travel with your wife?
The first time I ever tried lsd was with my husband. I was 38 years old.
Together we have travelled to 27 countries.
Getting married doesn’t mean having to stop your adventures.
As others said, you can explore some of those options together. (Though I would caution against bringing in other people unless you are in a really great space.)
As a sidebar, remember these thoughts if your children consider marriage young. “Teach your children well.”
That is a perfectly natural and understandable way to feel, my dude. Many people feel like they missed out on sexual encounters, wild nights, and other things because they met and married young. Here’s the question, though – while it’s natural to wonder “what could have been”… is any of it better than what you *actually have*?
Let’s say you had more hookups when you were younger – would that have made a difference to your current sex life? If you have kinks you’d like to explore, who better to try them with than someone you know you can trust; if you find emotional fulfillment and intimacy through sex, again – better to have with someone you love than otherwise.
Which life experiences do you feel you missed out on – and why can’t you still do them, just with two of you instead of being by yourself? It’s good to have a designated driver you can trust. It’s good to experience something with someone for the first time, so the two of you can talk about it and understand each others’ experience.
There’s a bit of feeling stuck – again, perfectly natural – that comes from being in a long-term relationship if you feel like you’re not able to express yourself and be who you are. Feeling like you’re stuck in the past while the relationship evolves and grows is a rough way to be feeling. However, the simple question is, and always will be – “would I rather be doing this without her”? If you’ve got a best friend that’ll stick by your side, that you’ve known forever, that has fun, loving sex with you… then what are you missing out on?
Involve her in the things you want to do, in the things you feel like you missed. Even if it’s a bedroom fantasy or a trip to do some mountain-climbing, there’s no reason she can’t be involved in your adventures. Be open and honest with her about the things you’d like to try, and let yourself move past the “I wish I could have’s” and into the phase of doing things together. You sound like two great people building a good life together, so include each other.
You may have not met your wife later in life, you met her when you did and if you have something good be happy you get all this time with her. It is easy to say “oh, wish we met later in life” but the fact is you never know where life would have taken you. I understand feeling like you missed out on certain things, but you can still have fun and do what you want with your spouse. Sometimes it is more of a blessing to find someone to experience life with rathrr than experiencing it on your own.
I’m 34, been with my wife since I was 21. Married in my mid 20s.
Here’s the thing: Everything in life has trade-offs. Even with all the resources of a billionaire, you don’t get to have everything you imagine you want. The rest of us? We just have to sort out our priorities and make the best choices we can. And that’s OK.
I will say this though: choosing a strong and deep relationship over drugs and one-night-stands is like choosing gold over pyrite. Sure, one looks like fun from a distance, but it’s not really all that valuable. Cherish what you have, and let the things you were never going to have go.
I can totally understand this, my ex and I moved in together when we were 18 had been dating since we were 16 and got married at 20, we did a lot of growing up together but also missed being independent. We did divorce and part of that was being together so young, not saying this will happen I just want you to know it’s normal to have these feelings but also remember the grass is not always greener on the other side, if you are happy and in a healthy relationship it doesn’t hurt to travel alone or together or figure out who you are while you are in a relationship.
Why do you want to be your independent self when you plan to Stay together for ever? You dont need your independent self anymore.
I am not my Independent self and i met my partner at 36. We have grown together. And that is a beautiful thing. Hé made me a better person.