Long post, TLDR: I didn’t realize how depressed and apathetic I’ve become in the past year, which has been frustrating my bf. After another fuck up of mine which inconvenienced my bf greatly, he yelled at me and after when we were discussing everything he told me I’m manipulative with my feelings. I don’t understand if I am. I want to not be that way if. How do I know if I’m manipulative?
We’ve been together for almost a year and a half now, and living together for about a year. We’ve been friends for about 7 years before this though and best friends for a couple years up until we started dating.
I have mental issues, diagnosed bipolar and an ED, and he knows about it all and watched my medication journey. I’ve been on a stable med combo, but admittedly I’ve struggled to feel happy since starting it. I attributed it to changing job/life circumstances and gaining weight, accepting life isn’t about being happy 24/7, coupled with issues involving my parents separating not fully amicably, requiring my time and attention, and both suffering from severe health issues.
As a result of the above, I’ve found it difficult to do my best everyday. I keep showing up late for work, I’m not doing chores as much as I should, and I’m just not doing any real hobbies. I didn’t really realize it had gotten as bad as it has until the fight in the title.
I also have some trauma from how my dad used to treat me. He had severe anger issues and would take it out on me over my schoolwork and grades. As a result I do not handle being yelled at by men well. I start crying, curling in on myself, and verbally fawning by apologizing. I have fully come to understand this about myself, although the picture hasn’t come together until much recently, since I’ve entered a relationship with my bf. I figure this is very relevant to the story.
What’s also relevant is that this is only my 2nd relationship, and my 1st serious one. I’m really don’t know what I should be expecting or doing in terms of pulling my weight vs what my partner should be doing.
I have been working to clear out my childhood home with my dad and bringing things I want to keep back to our 1 bedroom shared apartment. It has a very small den he let me have, and admittedly it is a cluttered disorganized mess. There’s boxes in the living room, and I’ve just never gone through them and cleared them and organized things. I haven’t had the energy or desire. This has been a mounting issue I had no idea of.
I’ve been absolutely dreading spending my weekend days with just my dad clearing out an impossibly full house. This coupled with my alarm snoozing resulted in me just not getting up last Saturday. I just didn’t want to get up and face the day.
My dad texted my bf asking to wake me up if he was home, so he left during his lunch break to wake me up. He was angry and loud, and I’d already started getting out of the bed when he opened the door and yelled at me to get the fuck up, and how selfish I am. I started freaking out. Leading to me sitting on the bed while he continued to yell about how he works his ass off at a job he hates just to make sure his higher income can support our rent, and I just make no fucking effort and false promises. He doesn’t feel like I listen to him when he says he doesn’t like the clutter and how it needs to get sorted through. This continues into him saying he feels like he’s just living with a roommate, he misses us, but I’m not doing anything to better myself when I say I will. I continued to cry, unable to say much back because it was all true, while I scratched a small friction burn into my leg trying to calm down.
After we cooled off, I told him I didn’t know he felt this way. I genuinely didn’t. I knew he was upset with my lateness, but I’ve always struggled horribly with waking up, especially when I’m depressed, and he knows this and has seen and heard me talk about it. I knew he wanted the clutter dealt with, but I didn’t know it was something he felt strongly enough to yell at me over. I saw no signs that he felt I was distant from him though, like a roommate. I don’t know what I am doing wrong or the signs or how to avoid it. I’ve discussed with many people in my life, including him, that I may be on the spectrum somewhat, and I have no idea if that’s what’s going on here or if I’m just selfish and don’t realize it. He did apologize for the fight and for yelling at me, and later when he came home from work we talked it out further.
He told me I’m manipulative with my feelings, I don’t know what that means. I don’t understand and I’m just confused trying to figure out how to be the partner my bf deserves. Is there any insight to behaviors I might be doing that are manipulative, but I may be not considering them so? I am still left feeling anxious and blindsided by this fight and scared of the future.