My boyfriend (26M) masturbates next to me secretly while he thinks that I (27F) am sleeping and I don’t know what to do.

Disclaimer: The background is lengthy.

I’m not too sure where to start but I would like to first and foremost say that I am completely okay with my boyfriend masturbating. I do it all the time and I know it would be hypocritical of me to say otherwise. I also consider myself to be a very open, patient and understanding person. As a precursor I would also like to let everyone know that I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and severe anxiety for the past 2 years.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and living together for 1 year. I have never had any issues with our relationship before moving in together and would just like to say that my boyfriend has always been very respectful, caring and loving towards me.

When my boyfriend and I moved in together, everything was great. We would have sex often and were very intimate. Again, I was very much aware of my boyfriend’s porn/masturbation habits and was never bothered by it. I made sure to let him know early on that I am very comfortable with it and that I do it too. Fast forward 6 months into living together and I started to notice that my boyfriend would lock the room that he games in. At first, I didn’t think much of it as I just assumed that he needed some privacy. But as I have previously stated I have severe anxiety and I started to get paranoid. One day I went to go ask him what he wanted for dinner and found that the door was once again locked. I knocked and confronted him about it and he flat out lied to my face and said he hadn’t locked the door. We had a huge fight which resorted in me leaving the house. When I returned I told him we needed to talk and he confessed that he had locked the door and that he was in there masturbating. He said he was embarrassed and that is why he lied. I understood and let him know that I do not mind him masturbating but it really hurt that he had lied to me. Having anxiety I assumed the worst and that he had been cheating. I can always hear him talking to his friends as he games and have never observed any suspicious behavior. He works full time and then comes straight home; he even calls me on his way home to talk. So I believed him and he apologized for lying and assured me that he was not cheating. Although I forgave him, I still harbor some of those feelings mistrust so I tread carefully. After two more months, he loses his job. It is at this point that our sex life takes a huge hit, understandably.

Before going on, I would like to state that on average we would have sex maybe once or twice a week usually initiated by me, which I was ok with. My boyfriend also has dealt with ED ever since we started dating and is unable to finish during intercourse which is why he tends to not initiate as often. We are also each others first.

I understood that while he searched for a new job, things would be difficult but they really took a toll on me. I am not one to care much about money as I make enough to take care for us both but my boyfriend has always made it known that it is very important to him to be able to provide for us both. As the weeks passed my boyfriend struggled to find a job and turned very distant and depressed. He’d turn me down often if I tried to initiate sex and was hardly affectionate. My anxiety really started to kick in then and I felt awful but again did not say anything because I understood this time was about him not me. I knew he was masturbating in this time which started to make me feel insecure. Like he preferred to masturbate over having sex with me, or he preferred the girls in the porn that he watches over me. I felt terrible for feeling this way as I have always been ok with him masturbating. One day I asked him if he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore and he told me he did, that he was just really down over the job situation. He apologized for being so distant and said he’d try to be more intimate. For the next couple of weeks he was much more attentive and loving but not sexual. I would initiate and he wouldn’t turn me down as often but he could hardly keep an erection to finish every time. Although, we were having some sex I started to obsess over his masturbation habits. I’d become hyper aware of when he’d go to the bathroom or when he’d take a quiet shower (he usually watches videos as he showers).

Eventually, I let him know that I needed him to be the one to initiate more and that his porn use was making me feel insecure. He let me know then that masturbating had become easier for him and that he felt less pressure when he did it. He then disclosed that he was even having some difficulties with keeping an erection while masturbating. He said he would be interested in going to a doctor and getting checked out, which he did and now takes ED pills. This was two weeks ago, last week we had sex twice, once initiated by him which I was happy about.

The situation now is that I tried initiating sex last Sunday and he turned me down. I didn’t take it personally as he is taking a really big test this week in order to land a position for a high paying job and has been very stressed about it. The problem is that I have now noticed that every time when he comes to bed (he stays up a little later playing games after studying) he will lay next to me and masturbate under the covers while watching porn. He is not loud and he does not move excessively when he does it. The only reason I have noticed is because we have masturbated together many times before and I recognize his movements and breathing, plus he moaned quietly one time. I’m sure he thinks that I am asleep but I have been suffering from insomnia for the last couple of days and that is how I caught it.

Now I am unsure of what to do. I get very anxious when he does this. I feel like it might be due to the feelings of insecurity I have developed over the months. I do believe that he also deserves to masturbate in his own bed and I can tell that he does everything in his power to not disturb me when he does it, so I am not sure if to bring it up to him or not. I am also afraid that he will lie to me and tell me that he hasn’t been doing it like he did when I confronted him about the door.

I’d appreciate it if anyone could give their thoughtful advice or maybe anything that I can do to get over feeling insecure about my boyfriend’s masturbation habits? He really has been trying and I really don’t want to feel bothered by this. Thank you!